WELCOME TO CROSS DRESSERS WIVES JANUARY 2010 NEWSLETTER

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hope you and yours had a nice holiday! As always, our non-for profit Cross Dressers Wives focuses our newsletters from a comon theme originating from our worldwide forum. This month’s topic is geared towards all of our newcomers.


There have been many new posts from cross dressers wives from all over the word. Most just found out and are in need of immediate support, assistance, guidance, education, TLC and compassion.


Many of us have posted onto the forum our initial responses upon discovering our husbands/partners are cross dressers. Some caught them dressed up; others found their stash of women clothes whereas others realized that their husbands have been frequent visitors on cross dressers sites. No matter how we found out, our reactions often have common threads. For those of us who had no clue- we are often in shock to discover this truth and many feel betrayed by the lies.


This is no easy journey for most of us. It is imperative that you do not blame yourselves for his widely known life long condition. It is not your fault. Also, take no responsibility for not knowing-how could you when many of them hide it for so well and often for so long?


Now that you know-it is time to take good care of yourself. Since knowledge is power, please visit our multifaceted links to education, research etc. This will aid you in deciphering what to do and expect. Also read prior posts on the forum as well as newsletters for diverse and crucial information. You can reach out to other cross dresser wives on the active forum and gain insight into how they are dealing with this issue.


It is vital for your well being not to hold his secret as your own. Secrets can hurt you. Please confide in your best friends, close family members, religious or spiritual leader and seek the help of a therapist. Couples therapy is often helpful as well. And building a strong support team is essential!!!


Many cross dressers wives have found much needed support from our forum-which is the engine that drives this non-for profit website. These incredible, brave, bright, intelligent, supportive and open cross dresses wives will assure you-you are not alone. There are millions of us in the US. But now we are not alone anymore! We have each other for support, information, guidance, compassion, understanding and assistance.


In essence there are no right or wrong answers as to what to do now that you know; it all boils down to a personal choice.

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BOOK UPDATE



We have received several stories and contracts. However we are still open to extending our deadline until January 30th 2010. Please contact The Founder at cdwives@gmail.com for details. All submissions thus far have been accepted and are very powerful. They will be useful to many others cross dressers wives. Thank you all for your participation!!



Positive Quote For The Month and New Year


“I have the right to have limits. I know my limits and allow myself to do what is reasonable for me.”

By Sue Patton Thoele, The Woman’s Book of Courage (pg 191).



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Blessings to all! May the New Year bring joy, happiness, clarity and good health!


The Founder

Welcome to Cross Dressers Wives December 2009 Newsletter

Thriving Techniques!


Each Cross Dressers Wives NPO newsletter is geared towards a common theme stemming from our worldwide forum (also know as our safe haven). Many cross dressers wives pose the pertinent question, how can I survive living with a cross dresser? Others inquire, how can I let go of my anger and resentment towards my cross dressing husband or ex-cross dressing husband?

Often our experiences are driving our emotions in so many different directions. Sometimes it is too arduous to take inventory of our feelings – since they are often very mixed. Many still love their cross dressing husbands and want their marriages to prosper and grow; on the other hand, if you are a cross dresser’s wife who is deeply troubled by your husband’s most often life-long condition -how do you survive this baneful journey? Thrive by taking back your power.

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Thriving Techniques

A necessary ingredient of thriving is that it is a form of action-not just ignoring nor denying the obvious problems affiliated with being married to a cross dresser. Take demonstrative actions that will enable you to become THRIVERS.


The following are simply a few suggestions as to how to become a ‘thriver’ vs. a survivor. Once you take action the power to thrive is available to you, but you have to be ready. Many need a time of mourning/grieving stages, as well as those who need to get beyond the stages of depression, sadness, anger and frequently Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It will demand that you take active steps to change your life into the way in which you want to live.


Build a much-needed support system. Confide in your best friends, closest family members, religious or spiritual leader. Engage in couples therapy or individual therapy. Seek out much needed assistance from others. Communicate with other cross dressers wives and stay active on our worldwide forum.


Develop a spiritual self. Douse yourself with spiritual/self help book, movies and various forms of literature. Exercise. Take up yoga; it can works miracles for your mind, body, soul and spirit. Journal daily. Draw a map of where you are right now and where you want to be. What steps do you need to take in order for you to get from A to Z?


Therapy, time, Tender Loving Care (TLC), support groups and making exciting plans for the future will all help you to utilize all of your tools, skills and life experiences. The aforementioned tips can all lead to becoming THRIVERS vs. survivors.


Remember, laughter is a healing mechanism. Yes, this may take some time and effort but it is worth going through the process. Plus it’s fun. Studies have shown that people who laugh more are healthier and a lot happier. So why not watch funny movies, read hilarious stories or go and have an enjoyable girls night out. You will live longer and happier! In addition, research has shown that having a pet enables you to live happier, healthier and longer lives.


Ultimately you must come to terms with the fact that you cannot change your cross-dressing husband’s condition. You only have the power to change yourself and the way in which you respond to him.


Taking productive action is a positive, healthy way to become a thriver.


Last but certainly not least, you have to forgive yourself (you did nothing but marry a cross dresser). However, you need to find a way to forgive him as well; not for his sake but for yours. Forgiveness is a choice and it does not equate to forgetting but just letting go…with forgiveness you can truly move forward in a much happier and healthier mode. You deserve this gift that appears to be his but it is benefits you even more.


The aforementioned techniques can all lead to becoming THRIVERS Vs. Survivors. The main differences between surviving and thriving is that surviving is just getting by, whereas thriving changes your lifestyle, empowers you to take much need productive action steps.

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Thriving Affirmations and Enlightening Quotes


The following is a list of diverse and multi-faceted affirmations, tools and skills that can create, construct and buttress your thriving lifestyle.


1.            The Woman’s Book of Confidence, by Sue Patton Theole, states, “I have the courage to pamper myself. I am worthy of receiving as well as giving. Pampering and taking care of myself is a healthy thing to do.”


2.            Succulent Wild Women, by SARK, suggests, “Treat yourself as kindly as you do your best friend.” She encourages one to create her own healing book to support one’s own healing. “Become your own partner-marry yourself.”


3.            The Language of Success, A Collection from Blue Mountain Press, A poem by Natasha Yosefowitz



Lose /Win

I have the path of

Failure

Frustration

Disappointment

Defeat



Because I have taken a chance on

Winning

Succeeding

Achieving



It takes a lot of the first

to get some of the second



4.            Finding Joy: A Practical Spiritual Guide to Happiness, Daniel I. Schwartz, eloquently states, “ …happiness is less matter of bouncing back from defeat than making the routine parts of our lives seem interesting. It is so easy for us to go through day-to-day on cruise control, with our sense and minds disconnected. He continues, “…when we put ourselves on automatic we are merely going through the motions of life and not consciously noticing what’s going on around us.”


5.            The Well-Being Journal: Drawing on Your Inner Power to Heal Yourself, Lucia Capacchione upholds, “Meditate on some ways in which you can get clear in your own life. What areas in your own personal environment need cleaning and clearing?" Capacchione purports, “ Write a plan of action for getting clear, for doing spring cleaning in your life. Make a list of things that you can get rid of…to lighten your load. List the worries, problems and burdens that you want to dispose of at this time. Make a schedule of weekly clearing activities in all areas of your life. Take it a bit at a time bit do it consistently.”


6.            The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, His Holiness, The Dali Lama and Howard C. Cutler, MD. Clearly believes, “ The very notion of our life is towards happiness...I believe the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness.”


7.            Reinventing Your Life, J.E. Young, PhD and J.S. Klosko, Ph.D., suggest their readers to take their “ Mistrust and abuse questionnaire” located on page 85. I believe that this process can enable you to develop thriving tools in lieu of surviving tools.


8.            Creating: A Guide to the Creative Process, by Robert Fritz. “Do not change unless it supports a specific result you want to create.”


9.            The Divorce Remedy, by Michael Weiner Davis, observes, “People who stay together but don’t forgive live life in shallow, meaningless relationships. They just go through the motions, but feel no joy or closeness…choose love forgive.”


10.         I Could Do Anything if I only knew what it was, by Barbara Sher and Barbara Smith, boldly state, “It was never part of your plan, so like any general in the field, when the unexpected happens and the whole operation changes you have to regroup…if your life has suddenly change, you, too have received an inheritance. Your gift may look more like a disaster to you now, but think about your situation. So think about your situation for a moment. Suddenly you have been

given a wide array of new choices – in effect, a second life.”


11. Perhaps adhering to The Serenity Prayer could also help: “God, light of my life, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.” I keep a copy of it in my purse.


Update On the NPO Book


Please note we have extended the NPO Book submissions to December 30th. Some have submitted their stories, signed the contracts and are in receipt of their compensation checks.


Please know that the Founder does not nor will own the rights to your courageous stories. The NPO owns the stories and the bulk of the proceeds will go to support and expand the NPO: Cross Dressers Wives.


Please know every submission thus far has been graciously accepted for our book! So congratulations to those whose stories will be included.


Anyone interested in submitting or simply have questions, please do not hesitate to contact me cdwives@gmailcom. I would be delighted to answer any of your pertinent questions. I am also willing to call you or provide my number if you prefer to discuss this matter. It is an exciting journey. We are on our way!!!



Donation Contributions

As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of assistance. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain, confusion and sometimes-severe consequences. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our “high heels” (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital.


May you all have a wonderful holiday seasons.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours!

Blessings,

The Founder

Cross Dressers Wives November Monthly Newsletter

The Upcoming Book Regarding Our Lives As Cross Dressers Wives

About one year ago, while reading our world wide active forum, it suddenly occurred to me that the non-for profit, Cross Dressers Wives, should compile our anonymous stories. The purpose of constructing this much-needed book is to disclose our unknown lifestyles as cross dressers wives. The deficiency of information about our lives is symbolic of why so many of us never tell anyone. Only those cross dressers wives who are willing participants would be included in this currently unpublished book. It is my hope that these significant, indispensable, compelling and yet virtually untold stories will enlighten society about this marginalized group of millions of women all over the world (aka-all of US). The primary focus is on supporting cross dressers wives, who are struggling with this issue most often in silence. By telling our stories, how we found out, how we dealt with it, when we found out, what happened to our lives, how we pulled through or are still in the process of coping with being married or having a partner that is a cross dresser, are all pertinent and vital information. Society needs to know we exist and many of us have undergone such baneful journeys, alone. And how many more of us are suffering, or do not know his secret yet and are living an unknown and unforeseen life of lies?

The book will follow the mission statement of this non-for profit organization and therefore as we disclose our stories, we will respect the rights of cross dressers. This is not about bashing cross dressers. We uphold that cross dressers have every right to dress like women. However, it is important to note, what they do not have the right to do is to lie to us at the altar, and take away our choice whether to knowingly marry a cross dresser or not. Many of us would hope that this essential book would help to encourage cross dressers to disclose their condition-long before their unsuspecting bride walks down that aisle. It is also vital to discuss why so many of cross dressers (cds) choose not to tell.

Please find some suggestions as well as flexible guidelines for any and all cross dressers wives interested in being considered a possible contributor for the upcoming book. Furthermore, the non-for profit (NPO) Cross Dressers Wives wishes to thank you all for your wonderful support and contributions to our web site, as well as the book. We need to lean on each other, support each other, share our stories and seek advice from one another. Also our non for profit wishes to make it absolutely clear that any and all of your written contributions on the web site are so very meaningful to everyone. Additionally, Cross Dressers Wives hopes that anyone who does not wish or is not able to contribute in this way needs to know that we appreciate and understand your often-difficult positions. Nonetheless, we recognize and sincerely appreciate your other valuable participation on this site.

This unpublished book has the potential to reach out to other CD wives-who we know are suffering. Cross Dressers Wives hopes that the majority of possible proceeds can be utilized to build the NPO/website-which would include a cross dressers 911 hot line (at least for a few scheduled days a week at various hours to assist those cd wives from other countries). We receive e-mails from all over the world from cd wives seeking assistance and asking to speak to other cross dressers wives.

It is also my wish to have the site available in several different languages-since we receive hits worldwide everyday and I hate to think a language barrier is preventing some cd wives from receiving assistance that many desperately need. Therefore to assist those non-English speaking cross dressers wives, we wish to have this book published in multiple languages.


There are so many myths as well and concerns that need to be addressed in telling our personal stories.

1)  CD are gay...the truth is NO they are not! They are overwhelming married and heterosexual.

2)  How did they hide this from us?

3)  Why are there so few studies done on cross dressers- and why are our needs as cd wives virtually ignored?

4)  Our initial reactions.

5)  Why most of us never tell anyone.

6)  Purging.

7) BETRAYAL often hurts more than cross-dressing.

8)  What about our children-do they know? How do they feel? How did they find out?

9)   Why do so many of us feel such guilt, shame, and self-blame?

10) Why do some of us stay, leave, reside as roommates or live in denial?

11) Can he stop? If he loved me he would stop! Right?

12) Why can't so many of us just accept it and enjoy it?

13) Did he dress up in front of us?

14) In hindsight-what were some missed signs (like dressing up EVER YEAR on Halloween as women. Or sometimes our clothes were missing or missed placed.

15) How can we reach out to each other and lend advice, support and share our stories?

16) We need to have our needs accepted, met, addressed and exposed. Why do some many of feel like damaged goods? We did nothing wrong- other than trust our husbands.

17) Should we stay for the sake of our children?

18) Has our religious beliefs impacted our decisions?

19) Did you find a trained counselor in this astonishing, unusual and uncommon field?

20) Provide educational information we have come across.

21) Enlighten society about CD-but moreover about us as cross dressers wives or ex cross dressers wives.

22) Additionally did you become a ‘thriver’, and not a survivor; and if so, how?

23) The list of what to disclose and discuss is endless. I suspect many wives/ partners can write about their forum posts, what they have learned from each other, tell their stories-and how they are managing the daily struggles that so many of us experience.


Some stories are bound to be longer and more in depth. The more you choose to disclose the richer the book will be. Cross Dressers Wives would prefer that you limit your submissions to a minimum of 5 pages and a maximum of 20 pages.

All interested parties please contact Cross Dressers Wives ASAP at cdwives@gmail.com for more detailed information. I need to confidentially send all of those interested parties copies of the contracts-which can only be done once you supply me with your e-mail address. A specific e-mail contact group is forming for the cd wives/partners or ex cd wives who are considering contributing their stories None of your true identities will be not be disclosed. Every accepted submission will be equally compensated.

Many have contacted me wit a desire to share their stories but feared their writing skills needed polishing and assistance. Please note, we will help to edit your stories without changing the contents of your story.

If you are interested in finding out more information, please e-mail me. I look forward to receiving your e-mails so that this much needed project can swiftly move forward. Our stories must be told since most books about cross dressers wives are about loving the feminine side of their cd husbands. Our stories disclose the other side, which appears to be the silent majority. Many gays, lesbians, transgenders, transsexuals, cross dressers are out of the closet. This is our turn to break out of our silent closets and anynomously ‘come out’ together.

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Donation Contributions

As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of immediate assistance. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain, confusion and sometimes-severe consequences. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our ‘high heels’ (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital!!! However, it took me years to reach the stage where I could locate the humor through the pain.


Happy Thanksgiving!!!


May you and yours enjoy all of your blessings during this holiday season. May the changing of seasons usher in positive and welcome changes in your lives. Please feel free to comment on our newsletters. We always welcome your input, suggestions and various opinions!

With much gratitude, appreciation and blessings,


The Founder

cdwives@gmail.com

Welcome to Cross Dressers Wives October Newsletter!

Is My Husband Heterosexual, Gay or Bisexual?

Our worldwide forum has received a multitude of new posts from so many welcomed newcomers. Every month our newsletter is geared towards a common theme that originates from the forum. There have always been many concerns about our cross dressing husbands and/or partners, who some of us suspect might be gay or bi-sexual cross dressers. However, recently there has been a significant increase from cross dressers wives who post concerns about their husband’s sexual preference. Many highly suspect  (by discovering evidence of activity on gay porn sites or additional questionable behaviors such as lack of sexual interest with us) that their husbands are not simply cross dressers, but are also gay/bi-sexual.

The overwhelming research currently available strongly suggests that approximately 85% of cross dressers are heterosexual. Therefore, according to the majority data currently available, only 15% of cross-dressers are known to be gay and some are bisexual.

In fact, according to Cross-Dressing, Sex and Gender, by Vern L. Bullough and Bonnie Bullough, there has been a diversity of cross-cultural studies by social scientists from 1970s to 1988. Their findings revealed the following data:

(1) The number of cross dressers who are strictly heterosexual range from 72% to 97%.

(2) The number of cross dressers who are exclusively gay range from 3% to 9%.

(3) Bisexual cross dressers in the US make up 28% of the cross-dressing population.

(4) The number of cross dressers who are married range from 78% to 88%.

These findings would indicate that the overwhelming majority of cross dressers are heterosexual and married. Therefore our cross dressing husbands are much more likely to be heterosexual; however, that does not eliminate the possibility that a small percentage of them are in fact gay or bisexual.

Curiously, unusual findings have been uncovered by Marc E. Vargo, MS, in Acts of Disclosure: The Coming –Out Process of Contemporary Gay Men. Through his research conducted by counseling many gay adolescents, Vargo came to the realization that some of them reported cross dressing because they, “…mistakenly believed that, as gay individuals, that is what they were supposed to do.” Vargo also suggests that some adolescent gays stopped cross dressing once they met and socialized with other young gay men, who did not cross dress. Obviously, even gay adolescents are confused; some buy into the misconceptions, misinformation, malinformation and myths that cross dressers are gay and gays are cross dressers. This myth needs to be ousted and corrected for the sake of everyone involved, which is inclusive of gays, cross dressers, cross dressers wives, and society in general.

Cross dressers cannot nor should not be pigeonholed as gay because they, like cross dressers wives, are all distinctly different from one another. Another indicator that many cross dressers are not gay lies in the fact that there are many inter-social clubs for heterosexual cross dressers throughout many countries. If the need were not there these groups would not exist.

Furthermore, more research by Peggy J. Rudd’s, My Husband Wears My Clothes, strongly upholds her theory that the majority of cross dressers, especially those who are femmophilia (a strong love for their feminine side-with no sexual connotations) have no intention of engaging in homosexual acts.

The ongoing problems and challenges regarding the sexual preferences of cross dressers is that society assumes that all cross dressers are homosexuals. Why else would they dress up in feminine clothing? This common falsehood/misconception indicates a strong need for more research and awareness for the lifelong condition of cross dressing. Cumulative worldwide research by social scientists, as well as the information provided by cross dresser sites and the overwhelming results from our worldwide website survey, indicates that the majority of our cross dressing husbands are in fact heterosexual.

Logic dictates that since there is so much secrecy surrounding the issue of cross dressing and that many cross dressers are still in the closet, that the margin for error on the aforementioned studies, statistics and theories are most likely high, since many cross dressers have not or will not disclose their condition. Many stay in denial, protecting their secrets from themselves, their wives, family and friends. Many scientists acknowledge that their findings are highly questionable due to the under-reporting of cross dressers and their sexual preferences. There is a high probability that the number of cross dressers recorded is actually much higher than we currently estimate. Clearly, more extensive longitudinal and latitudinal studies need to be done on this highly controversial issue.

Nonetheless, there is a multitude of recent posts that suggests that many who participate on this forum have reason to suspect that their cross dressing husbands fall into the minority. Reviewing the posts, indicates that many wives have concrete evidence that their cross dressing husbands are in fact engaging in homosexual acts and/or are spending a lot of their time on gay related sites.  Many cross dressers wives ask why a heterosexual cross dresser would visit gay porn sites? Why would they post pictures of themselves on to gay porn sites? Sign up for gay cross dressing dating sites? Is it out of curiosity? Exploration of their own sexuality? Are they fearful of being gay, or being ousted? Do some believe if they are cross dressers that they must be gay? It is important to note that some might not have any concrete answers. Some cross dressers are also scared, confused and do not understand all of the underpinnings of cross dressing and how it might relate to their sexual preference. Denial goes both ways…some of them stay in denial, as do their wives.

Additionally, it is important to note, according to several forum postings many cross dressing husbands deny any desires or acts of homosexuality. Many cross dressers’ wives are highly suspicious of their husbands’ conduct and behaviors. Most often when cross dressers wives discover their husband’s on-line history, and come across valid concerns over their husbands true sexual desires, (via the Internet) they are often distraught by more lies, deceit and betrayal. Many question if they can trust their husbands who have repeatedly chosen not to disclose being a cross dresser, bisexual or homosexual. It appears from the worldwide posts that some wives are not just fearful of their husbands being cross dressers but also being cross dressing homosexuals or bisexuals.

Therefore, if you want to know the truth about your cross dressing husbands’ sexual preferences and you have some reason to suspect or question their sexuality, pay attention to any possible clues. Follow any and all possible leads. Some cross dressers wives might choose to investigate their husbands on line activities, openly discuss their concerns with their cross dressing husbands, or seek couples counseling (preferably with a therapist who specializes in cross dressing). Our July Newsletter focuses on the issue of choosing to snoop or not to snoop. Many of our cross dressing husbands might not know the truth about the origins of their condition but they are well aware of their behaviors.  As their wives or partners, we have the right to the truth about their conduct. How we choose, or if we choose to find out, boils down to an individual choice, which is frequently a painful one.

In conclusion, if you suspect or have evidence that suggests or proves your husband has engaged in sex outside of marriage, it is vital for your health and well being to be tested for STDs and AIDS. It is a merely a precautionary measure to ensure that you are safe from the aforementioned diseases. It is in your power to protect yourself from any possible physical harm! It is a relief to find out at least your body has not contracted any of these diseases (even though the possibly is extremely slight, it is worth seeing a doctor).


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Upcoming Changes to Cross Dressers Wives Web Site


Please note that we are currently developing a new link, specifically designed for newcomers! The main purpose is to enlighten these cross dressers wives and familiarize them with our worldwide site. It is vital that they understand our goals and missions, various links and most importantly our forum, which is the engine that drives, our non-for-profit, Cross-Dressers Wives. It will provide them with a quick overview of the benefits and history of our website!

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Donations and Volunteers Needed


As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of assistance. Furthermore, it is our intention to provide a hotline designed specifically for cross dressers wives who are struggling with this lifelong condition and wish to talk with other cross dressers wives about their challenging circumstances. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion, guidance and validate their emotions. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain and confusion. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our “high heels” (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital!!!

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Information Regarding Our Upcoming Book


For those of you who have expressed an interest in submitting your anynomous stories for our upcoming book, please contact the Founder @ cdwives@gmail.com.  Thank you all in advance for your willingness to share your stories.

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Our inspirational Quote for October originates from, The Woman’s Book of Confidence, by Sue Patten Thoele…



“I have the courage to feel my feelings. I express my grief constructively. I am strong and able to transcend and heal my wounds.”

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With much gratitude, appreciation and blessings,

The Founder

September's Newsletter

Is the cause of cross dressing nature or nurture? Many cross dressers wives are searching for concrete answers as to why their husbands/partners have this condition, and we are not alone in our search.  There have been so many inquires and discussions on our worldwide forum about what causes one to become a cross dresser.  Some scientists argue it is biological, others uphold it is conditioning, and some speculate it could be a combination of both.  Some cross dressers wives have stated that their husbands have explained to the best of their ability that their condition began in early childhood as a direct result of their troubled relationships with their fathers.  My ex cross dressing husband also claimed the same.  I believe him - his father was a tyrant; however his father was also mentally ill (this is not to imply that cross dressing is a form of mental illness - it is not.)  Nature vs. nurture; both are logical deductions as to the root of cross dressing, so perhaps it is due to a combination of both, biology and conditioning.


The infamous anthropologist Margaret Mead once argued, “Gender based roles are not biological but culturally assigned,” which obviously supports the theory of nurture and conditioning.  Whereas other hard scientists uphold the belief that the brain is our largest sex organ, which would indicate that the cause of cross dressing is biological.  These two opposing ideologies leave us with no clear-cut answers…only more questions.


Sadly, there are too few statistics available on transvestites, most likely due to the fact that cross dressing is so often perceived as taboo and consequently maintained as a secret act or way of life. Many cross dressers live with this huge sexually charged secret – as do many of their wives. Even current, significantly limited statistics are being challenged because there is much speculation as to how many cross dressers there really are.


Charlotte Suthrell, author of Unzipping Gender, states, “Cross dressing may also be a therapeutic reaction to social pressures - male dual role transvestites often describe a feeling of relaxation and comfort …releasing the male self from the regime of stereotypical male emotions through the outward and visible manifestation of wearing women’s clothes can be a form of play.”  This is also well noted throughout our worldwide forum.  Many cross-dressing husbands have claimed that this act is a form of release and comforts them. Some characterize it as play, whereas other claim it is like an obsession or addiction - not a choice!


There are strong valid suggestions that since gender refers to the psychological identification one has - either as man or woman, cross dressing (known to be lifelong) begins in early childhood as a direct result of one’s relationship with the same sex parent. Other hard-core scientists purport that gender orientation starts at conception.  There is evidence that yes, there are various causes.  One is genetic, which is inclusive of endocrine disruption that occurs within a fetus.  For more information regarding endocrine-disrupting chemicals, please visit www.ourstolenfuture.org (and search for the gender link).


Despite the numerous diverse controversies regarding the possible causes of cross dressing, there is overwhelming evidence cross dressing is not heredity.


The speculation, diverse theories, and ideologies derived from biologists, anthropologists, and social scientists all seek hard-core evidence regarding how this condition develops. However, there is only circumstantial evidence, not indisputable facts or answers.


For example, Dr. Elizabeth Moberly, who authored, Psychogenesis: The Early development of Gender Identity, acknowledges that transsexualism in men and women have similar etiology. This condition originated from unresolved childhood trauma.  Dr. Moberly refers to this as radical misidentification trauma from the same sex parent. Moberly’s theory is well supported by a diverse assemblage of social scientists, while simultaneously disputed by many others.


Nonetheless, one should not discount the likelihood that there are biological reasons as well. Why?  There is scientific research that concludes there are distinct differences between men’s brains to that of women’s brains and therefore men and women behave in different ways.That’s a logical conclusion supporting gender differences; however, does that prove that these biological brain differences can and do impact one’s gender, ultimately causing someone to become a cross dresser?  My answer is…PROVE IT!


However, some cross dressers wives believe it is a choice.  Others believe it is not a choice.  And many religious leaders whole-heartedly buttress this belief, that cross-dressing is a choice.  Some uphold a religious man would not cross dress - even if he had such a desire.  However, it must be highly noted the other side of this debate from a religious perspective is that God created all of us and thus cross dressers were God’s intention.  God loves all, just the way we are.  God doesn’t make mistakes.  We are all different in so many ways and yet so alike.  So, did God choose to make our husbands/partners cross dressers by making their brain function in a different way?


In conclusion, one can critically critique all of these aforementioned theories and search for answers.  Only more intensive, depth and breath of controlled studies and research can help to explain how men and women become transvestites.  Since so many cross dressers are still in the closet due to the lack of societal acceptance, this factor impacts the gaining of true statistics regarding cross dressers. How many are there world wide?  What is their biological makeup?  What was their conditioning?  Will we ever really know?


In the meanwhile, we can choose to believe one theory over another, or acknowledge that more detailed research from hard science as well as soft science is undoubtedly necessary.  Perhaps we have to accept that there is no conclusive hard-core data that answers the question: Nature, Nurture, or a combination?


For more information please review the following list of suggested reading regarding this highly disputed topic and discourse:



The Real Difference Between Men and Women, by Anne Moir and David Jessel.


Brain Sex, by Ann Moire.


My Husband Wear My Clothes by Peggy J. Rudd, Ed.D.


Unzipping Gender: Sex, Cross Dressing and Culture by Charlotte Suthrell.


Alice in Genderland by Richard J. Novic, M.D.


The Man Who Would Be Queen: The Science of Gender Bending and Transsexulism by Michael Bailey.


Blessing to all of you! And welcome to all of our newcomers!



The Founder

August Newsletter

Welcome to Our August Newsletter!!!

It is a hot month and our topic for this month is a hot one too!

To Snoop or Not to Snoop

Each month we choose a topic that is frequently discussed on our forum. There have been so many postings about this highly controversial issue. Some cross dressers wives post that they are monitoring their cross dressing husbands bag of ‘stash’. Some claim they do not search his room, check his expenses or look into his private things, while others post that one should not snoop, unless she thought her husband was lying again. Then there are those posts that advise you when your husband has done nothing but lie-and there is evidence that his behavior is highly suspicious-then you should seek out the truth, even if that entails going through his stuff. Since we are far from a monolithic group and our belief systems vary from one cross dressers wife to the other, there is no one right answer. Nonetheless, many of us are struggling with this issue on a daily basis.


Since we all have various ideologies and our politics of location are different, there is no swift, solitary solution whether to snoop or not to snoop. Some of us have never snooped but our reasons for not snooping are different. Many of us would prefer the oblivious route of denial, keeping Pandora’s box securely closed.


Sometimes our religious or spiritual self tells us it is unethical to snoop, so we listen to our so called ‘higher self” and despite our curiosity, we choose not to snoop. Then there are those cross dressers wives who want to know the truth regardless of the consequences and since many of our cross dressing husbands are hiding their true selves, along with their women’s clothing, most often we feel we have no choice but to snoop. Other cross dressers wives are so torn between being honest and wanting to know the truth, they just contemplate whether or not it is the right thing to do. So we ponder the possible positive and negative consequences of snooping.


For example, would we ever want our husbands to snoop through our private things? Some wives have chosen to have affairs as a way of dealing with their feelings of unworthiness, pain and they fall into the arms of another man. Some just have emotional affairs; others have full-blown physical and emotional affairs. Is it right for our husbands to snoop if they are suspicious? How would you feel? If you suspected your husband of cheating on you, would you hire a private investigator? Would you check his phone bills, computer, credit cards, briefcase and other personal items? Or would you simply confront him hoping to hear the truth?


Many of our husbands spend a great deal of time on the computer, frequently visiting cross dressers sites. How do we know? Most often they do not reveal this to us, either we accidentally find the evidence on the computer or we snoop and discover his secret. Some wives discover their husbands entering cross dressing contests, while dressed in lingerie-posted onto the World Wide Web for the everyone on the planet to view-with the exception of their significant others. So, if you were to discover that he participated in this type of activity do you confront him, stay in denial and not discuss it with him? Or should we keep a close eye on his activity on the computer- at least we will know the truth. Right?


I confess, I chose not to snoop. Not because I thought it was unethical to do so. Not because I believed what he was telling me. Not because I had faith that he had stopped dressing up in lingerie. Not because I was not curious about his activities. It was purely a way of staying in denial, which was a huge defense mechanism that I grew comfortable utilizing. Was it healthy for me to live in denial? At the time I thought so. I had no desire-I knew what I would find and by ignoring every opportunity I had to snoop, this allowed me to stay in a state of denial. I had seen enough since he frequently would ‘dress up’ in front of me; I did not want any more exposure or information. The irony is that he ALWAYS snooped through my things. He even accused me of having affairs. I did not even keep a journal anymore knowing he would find it and read it. In a word I felt BETRAYED by his snooping. He also would follow me. I believe he was projecting his own guilt onto me.


Is it fair for a wife to live in a marriage where the husband does not reveal his true secretive identity? Since he has already chosen not to disclose his true self, how do we know if he is engaging with sexual interactions with others? What about the small percentages of cross dressers who are bi-sexual or homosexual? Do we have the right to protect ourselves from the possibility of diseases? What if the only way we really know what his sexual activities are is by snooping? Then is it still wrong to do so?


Perhaps instead of looking at your behavior as snooping (which carries so many negative connotations) view it as keeping your eyes wide open for any suspicious behaviors and take heed to any red flags. Being vigilant about your husband’s behavior, is not snooping; it is a demonstrative form of protecting yourself and your children.


How can we ignore that trust is essential in any marriage and if your husband has repeatedly lied and deceived you, what steps can or should you take? It is pitiful to be in a relationship where the foundation of trust is broken. However, that is not to imply that the trust you once had cannot be restored over time, devotion, boundaries and honesty. Trust at this stage needs to be earned. But are we wrong to monitor his behavior to ensure he is now being truthful with us? Should our cross dressing husbands be totally honest with us now (even if they have not been so in the past) in order to save our marriages?


The crux of this difficult situation boils down to the fact that many of our cross dresser husbands have chosen not been honest with us by their deceptive conduct, which can easily force us to snoop. The deal breaker for many of us is their continuous deceptive conduct. His actions initicated the curiosity to snoop. If you feel you need to know the truth, what other options do you have if he continues to deceive you? If there is no trust in your relationship, is it doomed?


Is it right for anyone (even those who are cross dressers wives) to judge our often baneful, arduous and complex decision to monitor, lurk, snoop or be vigilant about being aware of what our husbands are doing? Or is it more advantageous for us to support each other’s choices? We have to make the right choices for our own lifestyles and there are consequences to every decision we make. These decisions must be carefully considered.


Some possible positive consequences of snooping

1) Discovering the truth.

2) Becoming more realistic of our valid concerns and desires to have a happy, honest, fruitful, satisfying relationship with our husbands.

3) Knowledge can be a very powerful tool.

4) Living with realistic expectations.

5) Having the ability to teach our husbands to be more truthful by modeling truthful qualities. This can be attempted by openly discussing our findings, emotions and concerns, with the hope that it will be reciprocal, which might create an atmosphere of a more trusting and lasting marriage.

6) Is living with the truth easier than living with a lie?

7) Can snooping gives us more tools and skills to protect our children from this adult sexualized topic?


Some possible negative consequences of snooping

1) What does it tell us about our marriage if we have to live with lies, deceit and no trust with our significant others?

2) Could our monitoring further deteriorate our relationship?

3) How will our husbands react if they discover we are watching their behaviors, going through their personal belongings? Will it make them resentful toward us and cause even more problems in an already problematic relationship?

4) How long can we continue to ignore and deny what so many of us wish

we could forget?

5) Could it help to end our marriages by demonstrating we have little to no trust in him? He too could become leery of us as well.


In conclusion, one very compassionate supporter of Cross Dressers Wives recently shared with me that the issue to snoop or not to snoop is… “ almost unanswerable, since each cross dresser and their wives are all distinct individuals.”


Blessings to all of you!!!

The Founder



Donations and Volunteering

We at Cross Dressers Wives are in need of your support. Please visit our link for volunteering or donating to our non-for profit. Every dollar counts and we sincerely appreciate everyone who wishes to volunteer and help the diverse needs of cross dressers wives!

_____________________________

Future Conference


We are trying to organize a conference for us to meet, support each other and put faces to the familiar names on our worldwide forum. Unfortunately, due to geographical and economical challenges (along with timing) our conference will have to be delayed. Nonetheless, please know it will take place- once we surpass the current challenges!

July’s Newsletter

Welcome to our Julys’ Newsletter! It is our intention to focus on the needs of the thousands of cross dresser wives who contact CrossDressersWives.com for support, information, camaraderie and pose many concerns. One main theme on our forum over the last month has been the inquires about whether or not their cross-dressing husbands or partners are capable of stopping this behavior by suddenly announcing they have tossed out their female clothing while claiming they are finished with cross dressing.


The concept of them throwing out their lingerie, wigs and other female clothing is called ‘purging’. Purging is a very common theme amongst cross dressers. The evidence through research (though highly and sadly limited) clearly indicates that statically purging does not work.


According to Catherine Anderson’s 1991 article regarding purging, she states, “purging evades the root cause of cross dressing.” Furthermore, Anderson’s findings also strongly suggest that cross-dressing is done because it feels good and is worth the costs, the multitude of risks, embarrassment and guilt. She and several other researchers have concluded that the pleasure of cross-dressing is a condition.


Anderson states “…Purging denies this rational choice aspect. It merely tries to veto the choice by ultimation.’ Sadly her research indicates that purging is a lie because most cross dressers that have tried to purge and unfortunately realize it is only a matter of time when they start to rebuild a new wardrobe of female clothing. In a nutshell, the need to cross dress overpowers their desire to purge for a long period of time.


Another researcher, Magnus Hirchfeld, who coined the term transvestism in the early 1900’s, indicates that cross-dressing is highly correlated to sexual arousal (but not always). He further brings awareness that cross-dressing is not necessarily a fetish but more of a transvestic behavior.


So many prominent researchers in this limited field have similar findings. One primary finding is that cross-dressing is a condition and behavior. Additionally most researchers conclude purging is highly unsuccessful. How does this pertinent information impact our lives with our cross dressing husbands? If he is telling you (which many posts indicate) that he is now done and is no longer dressing in women’s’ clothing- it is highly unlikely that he is ultimately successful with this endeavor. This is not to imply he doesn’t want to stop but rather that it is out of his control and the sexual arousal of cross-dressing can be too overpowering.


For many cross dressers wives, it is not the condition alone that hurts us –it is the lies. The biggest lie is the one they tell themselves. However for many of us-these lies on top of so many before sadly detonates our trust in them and we question-are they telling us the truth?


Since research indicates that purging is often wishful thinking and unsuccessful, perhaps accepting that no matter how sincere he is about purging, statically he is not likely to succeed with this pursuit.


You can research purging by visiting cross dressers sites, read their postings, critically critique their research links and gather more information to help you better understand what your cross dressing husbands are undergoing and how his conduct impacts your life!!! Some wives are accepting, other’s set boundaries, some get out, and some find ways to live with it. It is a personal choice that only you can make. It is your life, your marriage/relationship and you need to do what is best for you. Self-awareness and self-care is essential!


Now that we know in most cases purging is futile and ineffective, what do we do with this information? Confront them? Look for the new bags of clothes or credit card receipts for lingerie, ignore it, ask him to compromise, keep you out of it, accept it as a part of your marriage? Stay despite the lies? Leave because of the lies? Try to communicate with the help of specialists in this field? The choice is yours.


There are no judgments; your emotions and concerns are all valid. Ladies, how you choose to deal with ‘purging’ is up to you and your cross dressing husband. Nevertheless, we firmly believe in education, research and connecting with other cross dressers wives to assist our diverse needs. The more we know about this life long condition, the better choices we can make for ourselves. Always know there are no right or wrong answers (except get OUT immediately if physical violence escalates.) Emotional and severe psychological violence that seriously impacts your daily life should also not be accepted-especially in a marriage. However, it is your choice to make and we are not here to judge your difficult decisions but to help you to decipher the complicated issues and consequences of being married to a cross dresser. No matter what your decision is, we are here to support your personal choice!


Research Information


Please review (and perhaps Google) the following researchers and information:


Catherine Anderson http://our world.compuseerve.com/homepages/Cathytg/puge.htm


http://en.wikipedia.org/wkik/: Magnus Hirchfeld


http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/


The American Journal of Psychiatry. Google Robert Butler’s article: Transformations: Cross Dressers and Those Who Love Them.


Also utilize pertinent information from cross-dressers sites and their forums such as Crossdressers.com


Please find comfort in knowing you are far from alone. We are here along with thousands of cross dressers wives, from all over the world, who have kindly and openly shared their private stories onto our forum.


Blessings to each and every one of you,


The Founder


New Upcoming Additions to Our Forum

We have received hundred of requests for a help line. Since we have been unable at this time to obtain grants and enough donations we are planning on establishing a distinct hotline for cross dressers wives to speak with the Founder directly for a fee of $ 50 an hour. This special service will be available 3 days a week, at various hours to accommodate those living outside of the West Coast Region and will also allow for others living in other countries to contact us. Though, I am not a licensed therapist, I do hold several advanced degrees in social sciences and have had 4 years of researching this topic and developing this non for profit organization. But moreover, I am one of you! Our conversations will remain private and I will announce when this new link will be available.





Positive Thought for July’s Newsletter:


The following enlightening and powerful thought came from the book: The Woman’s Book of Confidence, by Sue Patton Thoele…


“I deserve to live in a safe environment. I have the courage to set limits and insist on respectful treatment. I respect myself.”



Volunteer and Contribution Link

We are in need of your assistance through donations and or to volunteer your services to help our non-for profit grow so that we can better serve you needs. Every dollar helps and your volunteerism is also highly appreciated, welcomed and much needed!

Cross Dressers Wives June Newsletter

A common thread throughout the postings on our worldwide forum has been the poignant and often baneful issue of TRUST. The denotation of trust by Webster’s 1997 Dictionary is “…confidence, firm belief,…state of being relied on.” The connotaion of trust by Roger’s International 1997 Thesaurus is “…belief, faith, hope, assuredness, certainty, sureness…”

As cross dressers wives many of us are questioning whether or not to trust our cross dressing husbands/partners-especially those that never disclosed their life long condition or downplayed the significance of this condition before a serious relationship or a marriage developed. Where was the issue of trust then? Yes, many cross dressers state the reason why they did not disclose was fear of losing us, so they choose to hide their secret from their chosen life long partners.

Some cross dressers wives believe they should trust their cross dressing husbands-despite the history of lies and betrayal. They believe or want to believe him when he says, “It’s over, I will no longer cross dress.” Then sadly many wives discover the suitcase, the box, bag, chest full of women’s clothing or discover lingerie charges on their credit card bills.

If we know we have been continually lied to, how could we be certain, assured and believe our cross dressing spouses-without any qualms? Are we being naive to have faith and trust in them? Is it wrong for us to keep a close eye on their behavior, check their computers to see if they are on cross dressers sites? Are we at fault for being alert and seeking out the truth? This is a dilemma for so many of us, especially those who still love their husbands but simply cannot trust them.

There is no right or wrong answer. It boils down to a personal choice. For some that choice is to leave, others just emotionally leave, while some stay in marriages that are not blessed with the foundation of trust. Often our spouses get angry when they discover that we have gone through their belongings after they declared they stopped cross dressing. So, many cross dressers do not trust their wives. It can become a vicious cycle-with no clear-cut end or resolution in site.

How can we come to terms with such a dilemma? Utilize your God given gift: Woman’s intuition. It can guide your heart, soul, mind and body if you listen to it. TRUST YOURSELVES!!!

Women's intuition is often an invaluable, though intangible powerful resource for women to explore and utilize. According to Dr. Judith Orloff www.drjudithorloff.com, trusting one's own intuition often lends people to make better informed decisions. She urges men and women to tap into their own resourceful intuitions.

Woman's intuition, unfortunately is often underestimated yet has the capability of being a useful, powerful resource in our daily lives.

Blessings to each and every one of you!

The Founder
www.crossdresserswives.com

New Board Game Proves Women's Intuition is Far From an Old Wive's Tale

Ron Hutchinson, recently designed the psychological board game "Sixth Sense" www.sixth-sense-game.com that indicates that women's intuition really exists. He spent a year developing the game and studying the results and his findings revealed that women won 74% of the games when they relied on their intuitions rather than over analyzing. Visit http://www.mmdnewswire.com/womans-intuition-is-no-old-wifes-tale-1940.html to read more and follow additional links regarding the story.

Your Stories

One of our goals is to expand our Monthly Newsletter by including your individual experiences and triumphs. This organization is mostly successful because of your contributions onto the forum. It would be highly beneficial to other cross dressers wives that seek support, assistance and guidance to have access to your personal yet anonymous stories. We'd like to add a column to the Newsletter to publish your individual yet private stories. We encourage you to edit your stories to protect your identity (i.e. location, name, etc.) Please submit stories for consideration to cdwives@gmail.com at least two weeks in advance to the publication date of the next newsletter. All stories will be promptly acknowledged and considered. Please limit your story to no more than two pages. We look forward to your submissions.

We thank those who have kindly donated funds to support Cross Dressers Wives. However, we are still in need of any donation. Every dollar counts and is well appreciated. We need your support!!

Greetings! Welcome to the first Cross Dressers Wives Monthly Newsletter! As the genesis of our newsletter, this is the perfect opportunity to explain how Cross Dressers Wives came into existence and how it has exponentially grown.

Cross Dressers Wives is a not for profit organization (NPO) that was established in 2006. The impetus behind this NPO and website is the simple fact that when I left my cross-dressing husband of twenty years I was in desperate need of support, guidance, understanding, information and contact with other cross-dressers’ wives who were experiencing similar feelings of betrayal, loss, confusion, emotional and psychological abuse. The blatant need for supporting cross-dressers’ wives was a necessity. Necessity is the mother of creation.

My therapist tried to help, though she knew so little about the underpinnings and consequences of unknowingly being a cross-dressers wife. She referred me to a gender center that dealt specifically with this complex, multi-faceted issue. The gender center therapist, who had been working with cross-dressers and their wives/partners for over a decade, referred me to several websites, which she insisted could meet my needs. Thinking I finally found help, my expectations were high. The moment I went home, I began my cyberspace search for much needed assistance. However, to my utter disappointment, rather than acknowledging my feelings, these sites questioned their validity and did not address my questions and concerns. To my dismay and shock I came across websites designed by cross-dressers, which encourage unconditional acceptance of their life-long conditions and overwhelmingly suggested the wives/partners participate in activities together, including shopping trips and beauty salon outings. They often encourage wives to just enjoy the feminine side of their cross-dressing husbands, while downplaying and normalizing their life long condition, with little acknowledgement of the wives/partners who are hurt by it.

As an educated woman, I know cross dressers’ wives are not a monolithic group. Nonetheless, I could not locate a site that came close to matching any of my needs, beliefs, opinions, emotions, or experiences. Some sites were religiously based, advising wives to go to their nearest church for an annulment. Other sites would not allow me to participate, as they would not permit the wives of lingerie cross dressing husbands to write anything that could be deemed as sexualized. In essence, I was lost and more traumatized than ever.

Logic dictated I could not be alone. One day I realized the only way I could find other cross-dressers’ wives would be by creating a cyberspace safe haven for them to come out of their dark, secretive closets, share their stories, support each other and provide and share information. Ultimately, we established a community of our own. The end result was the birth of Cross Dressers Wives.

Our site has flourished more than I could have ever imagined. Last year we only had 400 visits per month. We are now receiving over 140,000 visits per month, worldwide. Additionally, our site was recommended by the National News Column Annie's Mailbox, March 2, 2009. Please follow the following link to read the column: http://www.creators.com/lifestylefeatures/annies-mailbox/annie-s-mailbox-r-2009-03-02.html.

The success of Cross Dressers Wives is solely due to all of you. Your input, postings, honesty, strength, inquiries, and support of each other have made the site what it is: SUCCESSFUL. The foundational bricks of this site are represented by the courage and stories of each and every one of you. Each of your stories is a brick in the foundation of this strong community. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!!

On another note, we rely solely on tax-deductible donations, as grants are difficult for all non-profits to obtain at this time. Times are tough and we are struggling financially to maintain and expand our organization by providing new innovative supportive services. Every tax-deductible dollar will be anonymous, as we will never disclose a list of our donors to anyone at anytime for any reason. Just five dollars or one dollar can help us exponentially grow Cross Dressers Wives. Please visit our donations link on the donations/volunteer page on the site. We thank you in advance for your much needed immediate support. In the meantime may all of you love yourselves enough to take good care of yourselves. You are all worthy of support, truth, peace, happiness and love.

Please note that future Cross Dressers Wives Monthly Newsletters will be posted on the first of every month. We apologize for the delay in the issuance of May's Newsletter.

With Blessings and Gratitude,


The Founder
www.crossdresserswives.com