Research on the wives of cross dressers:
Questionnaire II. Report 3.
by
Dee A. Levy and Richard F. Docter
Richard F. Docter, PhD is a retired college professor and clinical psychologist.
He is the author of the 1988 book: Transvesties and Transsexuals (Plenum Press). Dee A. Levy is the Founder of the website, Crossdresserswives.com.
The Questionnaire II survey of cross dressers wives was developed in early 2012 and placed on the web site,Crossdresserswives.com, in mid-March. It will remain available for several more months, and if you are the wife or long-term partner of a cross dresser you are urged to respond (see Questionnaire II on the web site home page). By the end of September, 210 wives had responded. The most important characteristic of this sample is that nearly all of the wives have never been part of a cross dressers support group or attended a convention for this group. All prior published descriptions dealing with cross dressers wives relied upon samples of women who had either been involved with support groups or who were recruited at a cross dressers convention.
Most wives of cross dressers learn of their husband’s cross dressing long after their wedding day. Brown’s earlier study (1994) is by far these best of four data-based surveys concerning the wives of cross dressers. He found that 40% of his wives had been informed prior to marriage (Talamini, 1982; Peo, 1984; Docter, 1988). It is very important that all of these studies utilized wives recruited from support groups or who were attendees at a cross dressers convention. Very possibly, these wives hold attitudes toward cross dressers that are somewhat more positive than the broader group of wives who have never been affiliated with cross dressing events. We shall refer to the samples used in the four studies mentioned above as “affiliated” wives.
A very different sample involves wives who were not affiliated with either a support group and who had never participated in a cross dressers convention. Levy and Docter (Questionnaire II results, in preparation) surveyed 200 wives of cross dressers, 92% of whom were entirely unaffiliated. The 8% who were affiliated were excluded from this report concerning unaffiliated wives.
crossdresserswives.com. We shall refer to this sample as the “unaffiliated” group.
Thirty-two percent of these wives stated that they had been told of their husband’s predilection for cross dressing prior to marriage. It has been assumed in several reports that providing this information prior to marriage might be a factor in subsequence tolerance or acceptance of cross dressing. The present findings from Questionnaire II are consistent with this.
We may ask, how accepting or tolerant toward cross dressing are the wives who find themselves in relationships with cross dressers, regardless of when they learned about the cross dressing of their spouse? Let us first turn to data from “affiliated” wives who would be expected to be somewhat more accepting in view of their participation in support groups or conventions. Psychiatrist George Brown (1944) collected data from 106 wives at support group meetings and conventions over six years, and used two questions to assign each wife to one of three groups said to reflect acceptance of cross dressing. One question dealt with whether a wife had “seriously considered divorce or separation from your partner because of cross dressing” (p. 522). The second question was a “global self-rating” of tolerance/acceptance of the spouses cross dressing (p. 522). Brown found that 41% were highly accepting, 26% were moderately accepting, and 20% were low in acceptance. Keep in mind that these wives were all participants in cross dressers support groups or conventions.
As would be predicted, the wives from the Levy and Docter “unaffiliated” group of wives show a similar but lower rate of acceptance. Eleven percent said they “…embrace it an enjoy some aspects of it (cross dressing).” Twenty-two percent said they were “…accepting of it, but with a few negative feelings.” Twenty-three percent reported feeling the cross dressing was to be “…tolerated…with both positive and negative feelings.” Twenty-nine percent said they “disliked it intensely” and wanted nothing to do with cross dressing. At present, the determinants of these attitudes, ranging from remarkably positive to decisively negative, are not fully understood. We shall attempt to find out through additional research with these unaffiliated wives.
For the wives surveyed by Levy and Docter, attitudes toward cross dressing change in both directions with the passage of time. Thirty-five percent reported becoming somewhat more “disgusted and angry,” while 25% said they had become “slightly” more accepting and tolerant. Brown did not report on changes in acceptance. He did, however, find that for his affiliated wives, 32% had “seriously considered” either divorce or separation from their husband. For the unaffiliated wives, 43% said their marriage had a “favorable outlook. No divorce expected.” The remaining 50% said their marital future was not clear, and seven percent reported their marriage was “very likely” to end in divorce.
Twenty-five percent of Brown’s affiliated group said they experienced sexual arousal with their cross dressed husband at least occasionally. For the Levy and Docter group, a surprising 62% reported they had participated in sexual relations with their cross dressed husband, at least now and then, during the previous year.
The following is a brief description of the present sample together with the results for a variety of questions. Most of the wives completed all of Questionnaire II, but 25% did not. A more complete report will be prepared when additional responses have been acquired.
The average age of the wives is 48; husband, 49.
69% live in the USA; England, 13%.
Followed by Canada and Australia.
Average length of marriage: 19 years.
Years married prior to learning of cross dressing, 10 years.
Informed of cross dressing prior to marriage: 32%.
Wives divorced once, 27%, twice, 11%. Husbands once 27%,
twice 6%.
Wives in counseling now: 19%. Husbands, 13%.
Caucasian, 97%
At least 2 years of college, 65%. Some graduate study, 25%.
Did not graduate from high school: 5%. Very high educational
level.
Income: 75% are at or above $75,000. Very high average income.
Never post messages on Crossdresserswives.com forum: 76%.
Never scan messages on Crossdresserswives.com forum: 46%.
Wives attitudes toward cross dressing:
Most positive (“embrace it”): 11%
Accept with some negative feelings: 23%
Tolerated with both positive and negative feelings: 22%
Not accept: 17%
Dislike intensely: 18%
Strongly dislike 9%
Putting aside cross dressing, 55% rated their husband as excellent or superior.
Most serious addiction: cross dressing, 65%.
Next most serious addictions, masturbation, 26%, smoking, 26%. porn, 25%
Expected to divorce: 6%. Considering divorce: 6%
Mostly a fetishistic husband; not complete dressing as a woman: 36%.
Husband dressed completely as woman (i.e., a cross dresser): 43%.
Don’t know or some other style of dressing: 19%.
Cross dressing greatly reduced intimacy: 47%, slightly reduced, 20%
Cross dressing improved intimacy: 22%.
Cross dressing had an unfavorable or harmful effect on sex life: 54%.
Sex has been “generally satisfactory,” 50%; both good and poor, 25%.
62% of husbands seldom or never go out in public cross dressed.
79% of wives never accompany cross dressed husband in public.
55% of husbands have adopted a woman’s name.
4% have started to use female hormones.
42% have occasionally had sex with cross dressed husband.
Cross dressing is somewhat helpful to his health or well-being: Yes, 70%.
The survey was not designed to acquire information to account for why certain responses were reported; we shall explore these matters more fully with additional questionnaires.
Frequently asked questions from wives:
How is cross dressing defined?
It is helpful to make a distinction between fetishism and cross dressing. Fetishism involves the use of one or more objects to enhance sexual arousal.
Women’s clothing are common fetishistic objects. Cross dressing involves three variables that are essential for assignment to the category of cross dresser:
a) Sexual arousal in response to wearing a complete outfit of women’s clothing, so as to simulate the appearance of a woman.
b) Some degree of feminine identity must be present. This refers to the experience of perceiving one’s self as having characteristics associated with females in a particular culture. Cross dressers vary greatly in their experience of feminine identity.
c) The cross dressing behavior is periodic. (Transsexuals live continuously and permanently as women.)
Are the husbands “drag queens,” fetishists, or cross dressers?
The wives in the Levy and Docter survey reported the following: About 7% dressed as drag queens; 31% typically wore “a few items of women’s clothing (some or all of this group appears to fit the definition of fetishists); 43% dressed “entirely like a woman” and therefore appears to be cross dressers. The remaining 19% of these wives did not know how their husbands cross dressed.
How common is cross dressing?
Most experts believe this behavior is found in a fraction of 1% of the population. The same is true of transsexuals – that is, persons who live in the gender role opposite from their genetic sex. On the other hand, variations of fetishistic behavior are far more common.
How many wives have been told about cross dressing prior to marriage?
Levy and Docter found that 32% were informed prior to marriage; 68% were informed after marriage, with an average lapse of 11 years without knowing.
How many wives would have declined to marry a cross dresser had they known before marriage?
The surveyed wives are evenly divided: 50% did marry or would have gotten married even though they were not told prior to marriage, and 50% said they would not have married a cross dresser had they been informed.
Can cross dressing be cured?
Most experts believe cross dressing is not likely to be completely eliminated, although complete cessation has been reported, especially in cross dressers advanced in age. Efforts to eliminate cross dressing may result in depression, anger, and other negative emotions experienced by the cross dresser. Since cross dressing is in large part a sexual behavior, it is not more likely to be eliminated than other sexual behavior.
Can cross dressing be controlled?
Most experts believe cross dressing can be controlled, especially when the cross dresser and his wife collaborate in the negotiation of boundaries and limits. To accomplish this, the partners will need to approach their discussions with a strong commitment to find compromises that are acceptable to each, and with strong commitments to their marriage. When the partners agree that their marriage is more important than anything else, workable compromises can usually be found. Another example of the temporary cessation of cross dressing would be when a cross dresser is required to live in a situation where cross dressing is not possible, such as in a military combat zone or in a prison.
Is cross dressing an addiction?
Most cross dressers report an intense periodic motivation to cross dress, and to masturbate during such a session. One may quibble about the technical definition of the term addiction, but cross dressing motivation, rewards, and persistence are similar to many examples of addiction. Many sex and gender authorities believe cross dressing taps into the same “pleasure center” of the brain as do many other addictions (smoking, use of drugs and alcohol, gambling, etc.). Levy and Docter found that 66% of their surveyed wives rated cross dressing as an addiction; smoking and masturbation tied for second.
Will cross dressing escalate in frequency, cost, time required, or into transsexuality?
There is nothing inevitable about escalation, but as with most sexual behavior, there is often motivation to create novelty and variation in cross dressing routines. The management of time, place, being in public, sex when cross dressed, cost, whether to involve the children, and all other considerations should become topics for negotiation. Cross dressing tends to increase with age, assuming there is greater opportunity for privacy as age increases.
Will your husband insist upon going out in public?
Surveys of cross dressers have shown that going out in public is not a common activity of cross dressing, although some cross dressers are strongly motivated to do this even in their early years as a cross dresser. A minority of cross dressers join support groups and attend conventions; very few wives do so. It is also very rare for the wives of cross dressers to accompany their cross dressed husbands in public places.
Does cross dressing involve homosexual behavior?
Some homosexual men cross dress, and often their over-the-top, flamboyant style of dressing fits the description of a “drag queen.” This style of dressing was reported by 7% of the surveyed wives. Most experts believe that, with few exceptions, cross dressers report a heterosexual history including most of those who choose to dress as “drag queens.” This topic becomes more complicated when a cross dresser reports having fantasies of participating in sexual behavior with an imaginary male, or actually seeking such an experience. Reports of both fantasies and experiences involving males in sexual relationships are common, especially in younger cross dressers. What makes this behavior so confusing to define is that seeking sexual attention from a man is invariably seen as gay behavior. In contrast, the cross dressers imagines himself to be a woman when cross dressed, and therefore perceives such sexual fantasies or experiences to be heterosexual. Almost without exception, cross dressers say these fantasies and experiences occur only when they are cross dressed. The question of using the term, homosexual behavior, seems to depend upon individual preferences in word usage.
Are wives who have sex with cross dressers lesbians?
A surprising percentage of the wives of cross dressers (about 40%) report having sex with a cross dressed husband, although the frequency of such activity varies considerably. For the most part, wives prefer to keep cross dressing out of the bedroom. The usual definition for being a lesbian requires a history of same sex preference, not simply sexual relations with a cross dressed husband.
Why are a high percentage of cross dressers wives very displeased?
The discovery of a cross dressing husband is almost always perceived by his wife as a very serious threat to the marriage. Very often these wives view cross dressing as akin to betrayal, abandonment, having a competitive sex partner, or infidelity. In addition, the wives of cross dressers often have feelings about this behavior that reflect the strong stigmatization evidenced by our society. All but about 11% of wives say they would be happier if cross dressing would disappear.
Why is it difficult to find a counselor or therapist who is knowledgeable about sex and gender issues?
Cross dressing is very rare. It is not surprising, therefore, that many counselors and marriage therapists have not received much training or experience with this topic. Very often, however, a trained counselor or therapist can be of assistance without being a sex or gender specialist. Many wives are so ashamed of the behavior of their husband that they elect to avoid any form of counseling.
Why cross dressers secretive about their behavior?
Most cross dressers are highly secretive about their cross dressing, preferring to maintain total silence with relatives, close friends, or co-workers. Feelings of shame are also a major reason why most cross dressers do not reveal this socially stigmatized behavior to a prospective wife prior to marriage, or hide it from the wife for decades after marriage. Wives often report that they also feel a need to maintain secrecy, and that this is a result of the husband’s having more or less forced them to become closeted with him. At the core of the problem is the fact that society strongly regards cross dressing as behavior that should be stigmatized.
Are cross dressers aware of how intensely they offend their wives?
There is great variation among cross dressers concerning their awareness, commitment, and desire to accommodate the needs of the wife. Obviously, the ability of the partners to collaborate in resolving differences about cross dressing is the key to finding workable compromises within a marriage.
How many wives of cross dressers divorce due to cross dressing?
As best one can estimate from survey data, at least 30% of wives give serious consideration to divorce, but from currently available data (Levy and Docter) only about 8% actually divorce. The matter is complicated by the likelihood that some divorces may not be entirely attributable to any single marital dissatisfaction. About two-thirds of the wives in the Docter and Levy survey continue to share the same bedroom with their cross dresser husband.
Does counseling or psychotherapy help the partners in a marriage troubled by cross dressing?
Help from a counselor or psychotherapist certainly can be an important part of learning more about sex and gender, and also, working out compromises that prove helpful to the partners in a marriage. A key step is to find a source of assistance wherein you feel trust and confidence. At the least, counseling or psychotherapy can help a couple learn new procedures for communication and problem solving. It is important not to expect any counselor or psychotherapist to have all the answers concerning what causes cross dressing, or why the husband began this behavior, or how to make it go away.
Discounting cross dressing, how do the wives rate their husbands?
In the Levy and Docter sample, all but 14% said their husbands were at least “satisfactory” when the cross dressing behavior put aside. Thirty-five percent said they were “excellent,” and 21% said they were “superior” when the cross dressing issue was not considered.
Are cross dressers who are sexually aroused while thinking of themselves as a woman committing adultery?
Adultery is defined as having sexual intercourse with a person other than one’s husband or wife. Only 2% of the surveyed wives regarded sex outside the marriage as problem for them. Many wives, however, look upon cross dressing as an example of being sexually involved with another “person,” while recognizing that this is a fantasy “person.” In any case, adultery would not be involved.
Is the fantasy “girl friend” an example of dual personality?
Most cross dressers adopt a feminine name for their fantasy “girl friend.” Very commonly, they say they feel an intense need to express their feminine side by appearing to be a woman, and walking, talking, and behaving as a woman. None of this, however, even comes close to meeting the criteria for a “dual personality,” or more technically, a dissociative disorder.
Can aversion therapies modify or eliminate cross dressing?
Most experts believe aversion therapies or religiously based corrective therapy are ineffective, and that in rare cases they can be very harmful to the well-being of the cross dresser. Most of these approaches have been directed toward changing homosexual behavior although they are not effective as well.
Do the attitudes of wives change much after cross dressing is openly revealed?
About one-third become more disgusted and negative.
About one-third change little or not at all.
About one-third changes somewhat in a positive direction.
Does cross dressing reduce marital sex satisfaction?
Wives strongly report that with the onset of cross dressing they feel less attractive in the eyes of their husband, and that the husband becomes less attractive as viewed by the wife. In the Levy and Docter survey, nearly 70% of the wives said there had been a loss of intimacy due to cross dressing. One-third reported that cross dressing had caused “a very harmful impact” on their marital sexual relationship.
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Inspirational Quote for the Month: Be Compassionate
Compassion is the basis of all truthful relationship: it means being present with love-fro ourselves and for all life, including animals, fish, birds, and trees. Compassion is bringing our deepest truth into actions, no matter how much the world seems to resist, because that is ultimately what we have to give this world and one anther.
Ram Dass in Compassion in Action.
(100 Ways to Keep Your Soul Alive by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat, pg.20).
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Thank you so much Professor Docter for having extraordinary compassion for cross dressers wives. Your ongoing hard work and dedication to this research is well worth noting. You are a trailblazer, who thank God is starting to pave a smoother way for cross dressers wives. You have changed my life, and so many other world wide cross dresser wives for the better.
I am eternally grateful to have had the honor to work with you Professor Docter! It was a pure pleasure and I look forward to our continued partnership in further research projects.
Blessings to all,
Dee A Levy
