Dee’s Corner
Welcome all newcomers! I have received so many e-mails from cross dressers wives who cannot forgive themselves for not knowing their husband are cross dressers. Some of these wives/partners have been married a year-others forty years- none of them knew. Not even me- and I have a degree in women studies-aka gender studies and sat through a cross dressing seminar! So-if anyone should get a prize for being stupid it was certainly me, or so I so erroneously thought and believed. The weight of that guilt, rage and anger went inward and caused stress, anxiety and depression.
Knowledge is power- especially when you use it. Cross dressing is a life long condtion-normally begins in early childhood (7-10). So by the time you meet your husband, he most likely has been secretly dressing up in his mother’s, or sisters clothing and buying his own ‘fem’ stuff for decades. You had/have NOTHING to do with the fact your husband is a cross dresser. He did not become a cross dresser in the marriage. You married a cross dresser! He had years of tools and skills to cross dress in the closet. The majority (70%) misrepresented themselves and do not disclose before marriage, instead they have their tricks to hide their deepest darkest cross dressing secret.
You somehow find out-whether it was by catching him ‘dressed up’, checked his history on the computer and found he/she porn, discovered his bag of goodies-women’s clothes, sex toys etc. Now you know and you blame yourself for not knowing? Too many of us have gone down this dark, meaningless wrong road. Do not blame yourself- the majority of our husbands (or ex’s) have had a lot of experience in lying about this taboo bizarre life long condition. They have mastered it.
Many of us suspected something was wrong –possibly an affair. Some questioned their husband’s strange behavior – some even hired private investigators to find out what he is up to…the private investigators did not know. Most cross dressers dress up in secret- in a closet-when no one is home- or he has a secret place to go.
The lingerie is out of the bag and somehow we take responsibility for not knowing. They are spending lots of time, energy and planning to make sure no one ever finds out-yet you were supposed to figure all of this out.
Yes, of course some of us went into Queen of denial mode- just a way to survive-denial can work. Some of our heads are in the sand-but that is not the norm. Most of us did not know and we should not be held responsible for not knowing-and more importantly we should not hold ourselves responsible for not getting it. When a wife finds lingerie in her husband’s glove compartment-she logically thinks-he is having an affair!! That is normal. It is abnormal to find out the affair he is having is often with his favorite woman-himself in’ fem’. Throw that overwhelming weight that is wrongly on your shoulders where it belongs OFF OF YOUR SHOULDERS.
Forgive yourself. Yes, in hindsight we are all geniuses and then realize-oh-what about the fact he always chooses to dress up like a prostitute for every Halloween? Why did he always buy you lingerer that could be stretched out? Nothing is going to change the fact-he is a cross dresser. The fact that you did not know is NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Let it go…it does not serve you in anyway to blame yourself. Now give yourself a hug and forgive!
Blessings,
Dee A Levy, MA
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UPDATE…. Questionnaire II
Over the past year nearly 300 wives of cross dressers have completed this survey, making it the largest group ever to participate in a wives study of this kind. Thanks to each of you! If you have not responded to Questionnaire II please do so, and be sure to respond to all of the questions.
We are starting to analyze the survey data and the results will be made available on this web site. Additionally, a more formal report will be submitted to one of the scientific journals concerned with transgender studies, such as the International Journal of Transgenderism or the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
The main focus of additional research will involve asking wives in more detail about how they are coping with cross dressing. Of course, we'll be inviting each of you to join us in these on-going research projects.
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HOTLINE
Cross Dressers Wives NPO offers live telephone consultation services with The Founder. She holds a BA in Women Studies, an M.A. in Social Sciences, and has worked with thousands of cross dressers’ wives. The Founder is not a licensed therapist; she is a former cross dresser’s wife.
Please book your Hotline consultation by contacting cdwives@gmail.com. The basic fee is $50 an hour. The first 15 minutes are free.
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Inspirational Quote:
“The meaning of feminism hasn’t changed, but it’s deepened.”
"Happy birthday, Gloria Steinem!
By Maria Popova
Dee,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog while looking for resources to help my wife when I finally reveal to her my “secret”. Your message to wives that they should not blame themselves for marrying a cross dressing guy is good. But I was somewhat offended by your description of the men as intentionally misrepresenting themselves before marriage, and practiced liars with years of experience. For some of us that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
I started trying on my sister’s clothes when I was in junior high and high school. I did it occasionally. It was different; it was exciting, and it just felt good. I didn’t go around proclaiming to the football team, or even my family or closest friends that I did this. Like masturbating, it was something I didn’t want anyone to know I did.
When I got to college, I dated a few women, including my wife. I had occasional sexual encounters with them like every other guy on campus. I don’t recall ever even slipping into a pair of panties for 5 or 6 years. I was a college guy turned graduate, out to conquer the world, marry the girl of my dreams and raise the ideal family. Wearing women’s clothing at that time in my life was the farthest thing from my mind.
It wasn’t until a couple years later. I was shopping for some pajamas for her for Christmas in the lingerie department at JC Penny’s when I found myself drawn to the panty sale table. I guessed at a size and casually tossed a couple pair on the counter with the pajamas. When I got home and slipped them on, it was the first time in nearly 10 years. Over the following years, I would dress for a few weeks or months, then purge my closet and not think about it for months or years.
Cross dressing is one of the few things I have never spoken to her about in our relationship. Unfortunately, it is a secret that I think has kept us more distant; something unspoken lying just below the surface waiting to emerge. Like in jr. high, I have always been afraid of what would happen; how I would be shunned if someone found out I did this. I don’t have any great desire to dress up and have sex with my wife, or anyone else for that matter. Often when I dress it isn’t for anything sexual; it just feels good. It pleases some inner need if you will.
There may be some men out there who fit and truly deserve the remarks you made. But I also believe that there are a lot more guys out there like me who take years to learn that they are truly cross dressers and that cross dressing isn’t a phase that one grows out of. Did I intentionally misrepresent myself to my wife before marriage? For me, it’s hard to intentionally misrepresent something you don’t understand nor are even conscious that it exists. I am in my mid-50s and have been married for nearly 30 years. I just now finally understand myself to a point I feel comfortable to share this even with my wife. I hope you will pass along this side of the story as I’m sure I’m not alone.
So yes ladies, let it go and give yourselves a hug, but give him a hug too. Sometimes its just as hard to be on our side of the equation.
Dee,
ReplyDeleteI understand your position, but my history and the information that I have gleaned from other CDs is much more consistent with what Kate wrote. As a kid I had an interest in women and liked how they dressed but growing up in a very small house with two younger brothers and 1st generation immigrant parents the opportunity to dress did not present itself. I married at age 21 and still had another year of college to complete. Working full time, going to school and then grad school and then embarking on a profession, raising a family of my own ~ my time was fully occupied. It is only now with the kids out of the house that I have the freedom to assemble a wardrobe.
I deeply love my wife and while we have discussed my dressing, we never seem to drill down to what it is all about and what I may want from being a dresser. She prefers to see little value in my dressing. I tend to think that in is my feminine side that makes me a better person and husband. She is fine with me dressing around the house but draws the line if I want to go out while dressed. She lives in fear ragarding what others may think if they find out that her husband likes to wear dresses.
I hate not being candid and honest with people, especially my wife. The position is based on what it is that I can do to cause her the least concern or worry. I know that my dressing is not something that makes her happy. She says that I have too many clothes and shoes and perhaps she is correct. I will never abandon my marriage. I love my wife. I have to deal with my CD tendencies.
It is a bit more complicated than assuming that a young groom made a conscious decision to enter marriage under a cloud of falsehood. I had no real clue that I was CD back when I got married in the early 1970s. Back then the term CD was not even in use, there were no resources and I am sure that I went into my marriage in good faith.
I do understand your position regarding integrity and I understand that a faithful wife does not deserve to be lied to by her husband but as stated so well by Kate it often takes the CD decades to figure out what he is and where he fits on the spectrum.
Pat
Nice Post I like nice furniture
ReplyDeleteIt looks better than even when it was new.