Dee’s Corner
Welcome all newcomers! I have received so many e-mails from cross dressers wives who cannot forgive themselves for not knowing their husband are cross dressers. Some of these wives/partners have been married a year-others forty years- none of them knew. Not even me- and I have a degree in women studies-aka gender studies and sat through a cross dressing seminar! So-if anyone should get a prize for being stupid it was certainly me, or so I so erroneously thought and believed. The weight of that guilt, rage and anger went inward and caused stress, anxiety and depression.
Knowledge is power- especially when you use it. Cross dressing is a life long condtion-normally begins in early childhood (7-10). So by the time you meet your husband, he most likely has been secretly dressing up in his mother’s, or sisters clothing and buying his own ‘fem’ stuff for decades. You had/have NOTHING to do with the fact your husband is a cross dresser. He did not become a cross dresser in the marriage. You married a cross dresser! He had years of tools and skills to cross dress in the closet. The majority (70%) misrepresented themselves and do not disclose before marriage, instead they have their tricks to hide their deepest darkest cross dressing secret.
You somehow find out-whether it was by catching him ‘dressed up’, checked his history on the computer and found he/she porn, discovered his bag of goodies-women’s clothes, sex toys etc. Now you know and you blame yourself for not knowing? Too many of us have gone down this dark, meaningless wrong road. Do not blame yourself- the majority of our husbands (or ex’s) have had a lot of experience in lying about this taboo bizarre life long condition. They have mastered it.
Many of us suspected something was wrong –possibly an affair. Some questioned their husband’s strange behavior – some even hired private investigators to find out what he is up to…the private investigators did not know. Most cross dressers dress up in secret- in a closet-when no one is home- or he has a secret place to go.
The lingerie is out of the bag and somehow we take responsibility for not knowing. They are spending lots of time, energy and planning to make sure no one ever finds out-yet you were supposed to figure all of this out.
Yes, of course some of us went into Queen of denial mode- just a way to survive-denial can work. Some of our heads are in the sand-but that is not the norm. Most of us did not know and we should not be held responsible for not knowing-and more importantly we should not hold ourselves responsible for not getting it. When a wife finds lingerie in her husband’s glove compartment-she logically thinks-he is having an affair!! That is normal. It is abnormal to find out the affair he is having is often with his favorite woman-himself in’ fem’. Throw that overwhelming weight that is wrongly on your shoulders where it belongs OFF OF YOUR SHOULDERS.
Forgive yourself. Yes, in hindsight we are all geniuses and then realize-oh-what about the fact he always chooses to dress up like a prostitute for every Halloween? Why did he always buy you lingerer that could be stretched out? Nothing is going to change the fact-he is a cross dresser. The fact that you did not know is NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Let it go…it does not serve you in anyway to blame yourself. Now give yourself a hug and forgive!
Blessings,
Dee A Levy, MA
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UPDATE…. Questionnaire II
Over the past year nearly 300 wives of cross dressers have completed this survey, making it the largest group ever to participate in a wives study of this kind. Thanks to each of you! If you have not responded to Questionnaire II please do so, and be sure to respond to all of the questions.
We are starting to analyze the survey data and the results will be made available on this web site. Additionally, a more formal report will be submitted to one of the scientific journals concerned with transgender studies, such as the International Journal of Transgenderism or the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
The main focus of additional research will involve asking wives in more detail about how they are coping with cross dressing. Of course, we'll be inviting each of you to join us in these on-going research projects.
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HOTLINE
Cross Dressers Wives NPO offers live telephone consultation services with The Founder. She holds a BA in Women Studies, an M.A. in Social Sciences, and has worked with thousands of cross dressers’ wives. The Founder is not a licensed therapist; she is a former cross dresser’s wife.
Please book your Hotline consultation by contacting cdwives@gmail.com. The basic fee is $50 an hour. The first 15 minutes are free.
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HOTLINE TESTIMONIALS
“You are the only person I trust”
“My therapist does not understand me but your Forum does”
"You have no idea. You’ve saved my life.”
"I cannot tell you how blessed I felt to have someone I could talk to about this that has shared this experience."
"The advice I received from the Founder about setting boundaries was a big help to my marriage."
"The hour I spent speaking with you made me feel better than the year I spent in therapy."
"After my consultation, I realized my therapist was not the expert on cross dressers’ wives - the Founder is."
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DONATIONS; VOLUNTEER.
We are a ‘charitable, non-for profit organization. All donations are tax deductible. Presently, we rely almost solely on donations and grants to support our much-needed services. In difficult financial times, funds are short, limiting our ability to expand our Hotline and international outreach resources. Every dollar we raise can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO develop worldwide programs for cross dressers wives seeking assistance and support.
Please visit our links to purchase our book, make a financial contribution, or volunteer your services to help us assist women in dire need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion, and guidance.
Many of us have lived in complete silence, denial, and guilt. This does not come without enormous consequences. Sometimes, it is simply comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States and throughout the world whose unique needs must be met. All contributions are greatly appreciated.
For privacy purposes, donations made by check may be made payable to ‘CDW’
or ‘CROSS DRESSERS WIVES.’ Credit card donations made via PayPal appear as ‘CDW.
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Inspirational Quote:
“The meaning of feminism hasn’t changed, but it’s deepened.”
"Happy birthday, Gloria Steinem!
By Maria Popova
