Welcome to Our August Newsletter!!!
It is a hot month and our topic for this month is a hot one too!
To Snoop or Not to Snoop
Each month we choose a topic that is frequently discussed on our forum. There have been so many postings about this highly controversial issue. Some cross dressers wives post that they are monitoring their cross dressing husbands bag of ‘stash’. Some claim they do not search his room, check his expenses or look into his private things, while others post that one should not snoop, unless she thought her husband was lying again. Then there are those posts that advise you when your husband has done nothing but lie-and there is evidence that his behavior is highly suspicious-then you should seek out the truth, even if that entails going through his stuff. Since we are far from a monolithic group and our belief systems vary from one cross dressers wife to the other, there is no one right answer. Nonetheless, many of us are struggling with this issue on a daily basis.
Since we all have various ideologies and our politics of location are different, there is no swift, solitary solution whether to snoop or not to snoop. Some of us have never snooped but our reasons for not snooping are different. Many of us would prefer the oblivious route of denial, keeping Pandora’s box securely closed.
Sometimes our religious or spiritual self tells us it is unethical to snoop, so we listen to our so called ‘higher self” and despite our curiosity, we choose not to snoop. Then there are those cross dressers wives who want to know the truth regardless of the consequences and since many of our cross dressing husbands are hiding their true selves, along with their women’s clothing, most often we feel we have no choice but to snoop. Other cross dressers wives are so torn between being honest and wanting to know the truth, they just contemplate whether or not it is the right thing to do. So we ponder the possible positive and negative consequences of snooping.
For example, would we ever want our husbands to snoop through our private things? Some wives have chosen to have affairs as a way of dealing with their feelings of unworthiness, pain and they fall into the arms of another man. Some just have emotional affairs; others have full-blown physical and emotional affairs. Is it right for our husbands to snoop if they are suspicious? How would you feel? If you suspected your husband of cheating on you, would you hire a private investigator? Would you check his phone bills, computer, credit cards, briefcase and other personal items? Or would you simply confront him hoping to hear the truth?
Many of our husbands spend a great deal of time on the computer, frequently visiting cross dressers sites. How do we know? Most often they do not reveal this to us, either we accidentally find the evidence on the computer or we snoop and discover his secret. Some wives discover their husbands entering cross dressing contests, while dressed in lingerie-posted onto the World Wide Web for the everyone on the planet to view-with the exception of their significant others. So, if you were to discover that he participated in this type of activity do you confront him, stay in denial and not discuss it with him? Or should we keep a close eye on his activity on the computer- at least we will know the truth. Right?
I confess, I chose not to snoop. Not because I thought it was unethical to do so. Not because I believed what he was telling me. Not because I had faith that he had stopped dressing up in lingerie. Not because I was not curious about his activities. It was purely a way of staying in denial, which was a huge defense mechanism that I grew comfortable utilizing. Was it healthy for me to live in denial? At the time I thought so. I had no desire-I knew what I would find and by ignoring every opportunity I had to snoop, this allowed me to stay in a state of denial. I had seen enough since he frequently would ‘dress up’ in front of me; I did not want any more exposure or information. The irony is that he ALWAYS snooped through my things. He even accused me of having affairs. I did not even keep a journal anymore knowing he would find it and read it. In a word I felt BETRAYED by his snooping. He also would follow me. I believe he was projecting his own guilt onto me.
Is it fair for a wife to live in a marriage where the husband does not reveal his true secretive identity? Since he has already chosen not to disclose his true self, how do we know if he is engaging with sexual interactions with others? What about the small percentages of cross dressers who are bi-sexual or homosexual? Do we have the right to protect ourselves from the possibility of diseases? What if the only way we really know what his sexual activities are is by snooping? Then is it still wrong to do so?
Perhaps instead of looking at your behavior as snooping (which carries so many negative connotations) view it as keeping your eyes wide open for any suspicious behaviors and take heed to any red flags. Being vigilant about your husband’s behavior, is not snooping; it is a demonstrative form of protecting yourself and your children.
How can we ignore that trust is essential in any marriage and if your husband has repeatedly lied and deceived you, what steps can or should you take? It is pitiful to be in a relationship where the foundation of trust is broken. However, that is not to imply that the trust you once had cannot be restored over time, devotion, boundaries and honesty. Trust at this stage needs to be earned. But are we wrong to monitor his behavior to ensure he is now being truthful with us? Should our cross dressing husbands be totally honest with us now (even if they have not been so in the past) in order to save our marriages?
The crux of this difficult situation boils down to the fact that many of our cross dresser husbands have chosen not been honest with us by their deceptive conduct, which can easily force us to snoop. The deal breaker for many of us is their continuous deceptive conduct. His actions initicated the curiosity to snoop. If you feel you need to know the truth, what other options do you have if he continues to deceive you? If there is no trust in your relationship, is it doomed?
Is it right for anyone (even those who are cross dressers wives) to judge our often baneful, arduous and complex decision to monitor, lurk, snoop or be vigilant about being aware of what our husbands are doing? Or is it more advantageous for us to support each other’s choices? We have to make the right choices for our own lifestyles and there are consequences to every decision we make. These decisions must be carefully considered.
Some possible positive consequences of snooping
1) Discovering the truth.
2) Becoming more realistic of our valid concerns and desires to have a happy, honest, fruitful, satisfying relationship with our husbands.
3) Knowledge can be a very powerful tool.
4) Living with realistic expectations.
5) Having the ability to teach our husbands to be more truthful by modeling truthful qualities. This can be attempted by openly discussing our findings, emotions and concerns, with the hope that it will be reciprocal, which might create an atmosphere of a more trusting and lasting marriage.
6) Is living with the truth easier than living with a lie?
7) Can snooping gives us more tools and skills to protect our children from this adult sexualized topic?
Some possible negative consequences of snooping
1) What does it tell us about our marriage if we have to live with lies, deceit and no trust with our significant others?
2) Could our monitoring further deteriorate our relationship?
3) How will our husbands react if they discover we are watching their behaviors, going through their personal belongings? Will it make them resentful toward us and cause even more problems in an already problematic relationship?
4) How long can we continue to ignore and deny what so many of us wish
we could forget?
5) Could it help to end our marriages by demonstrating we have little to no trust in him? He too could become leery of us as well.
In conclusion, one very compassionate supporter of Cross Dressers Wives recently shared with me that the issue to snoop or not to snoop is… “ almost unanswerable, since each cross dresser and their wives are all distinct individuals.”
Blessings to all of you!!!
The Founder
Donations and Volunteering
We at Cross Dressers Wives are in need of your support. Please visit our link for volunteering or donating to our non-for profit. Every dollar counts and we sincerely appreciate everyone who wishes to volunteer and help the diverse needs of cross dressers wives!
_____________________________
Future Conference
We are trying to organize a conference for us to meet, support each other and put faces to the familiar names on our worldwide forum. Unfortunately, due to geographical and economical challenges (along with timing) our conference will have to be delayed. Nonetheless, please know it will take place- once we surpass the current challenges!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
July’s Newsletter
Welcome to our Julys’ Newsletter! It is our intention to focus on the needs of the thousands of cross dresser wives who contact CrossDressersWives.com for support, information, camaraderie and pose many concerns. One main theme on our forum over the last month has been the inquires about whether or not their cross-dressing husbands or partners are capable of stopping this behavior by suddenly announcing they have tossed out their female clothing while claiming they are finished with cross dressing.
The concept of them throwing out their lingerie, wigs and other female clothing is called ‘purging’. Purging is a very common theme amongst cross dressers. The evidence through research (though highly and sadly limited) clearly indicates that statically purging does not work.
According to Catherine Anderson’s 1991 article regarding purging, she states, “purging evades the root cause of cross dressing.” Furthermore, Anderson’s findings also strongly suggest that cross-dressing is done because it feels good and is worth the costs, the multitude of risks, embarrassment and guilt. She and several other researchers have concluded that the pleasure of cross-dressing is a condition.
Anderson states “…Purging denies this rational choice aspect. It merely tries to veto the choice by ultimation.’ Sadly her research indicates that purging is a lie because most cross dressers that have tried to purge and unfortunately realize it is only a matter of time when they start to rebuild a new wardrobe of female clothing. In a nutshell, the need to cross dress overpowers their desire to purge for a long period of time.
Another researcher, Magnus Hirchfeld, who coined the term transvestism in the early 1900’s, indicates that cross-dressing is highly correlated to sexual arousal (but not always). He further brings awareness that cross-dressing is not necessarily a fetish but more of a transvestic behavior.
So many prominent researchers in this limited field have similar findings. One primary finding is that cross-dressing is a condition and behavior. Additionally most researchers conclude purging is highly unsuccessful. How does this pertinent information impact our lives with our cross dressing husbands? If he is telling you (which many posts indicate) that he is now done and is no longer dressing in women’s’ clothing- it is highly unlikely that he is ultimately successful with this endeavor. This is not to imply he doesn’t want to stop but rather that it is out of his control and the sexual arousal of cross-dressing can be too overpowering.
For many cross dressers wives, it is not the condition alone that hurts us –it is the lies. The biggest lie is the one they tell themselves. However for many of us-these lies on top of so many before sadly detonates our trust in them and we question-are they telling us the truth?
Since research indicates that purging is often wishful thinking and unsuccessful, perhaps accepting that no matter how sincere he is about purging, statically he is not likely to succeed with this pursuit.
You can research purging by visiting cross dressers sites, read their postings, critically critique their research links and gather more information to help you better understand what your cross dressing husbands are undergoing and how his conduct impacts your life!!! Some wives are accepting, other’s set boundaries, some get out, and some find ways to live with it. It is a personal choice that only you can make. It is your life, your marriage/relationship and you need to do what is best for you. Self-awareness and self-care is essential!
Now that we know in most cases purging is futile and ineffective, what do we do with this information? Confront them? Look for the new bags of clothes or credit card receipts for lingerie, ignore it, ask him to compromise, keep you out of it, accept it as a part of your marriage? Stay despite the lies? Leave because of the lies? Try to communicate with the help of specialists in this field? The choice is yours.
There are no judgments; your emotions and concerns are all valid. Ladies, how you choose to deal with ‘purging’ is up to you and your cross dressing husband. Nevertheless, we firmly believe in education, research and connecting with other cross dressers wives to assist our diverse needs. The more we know about this life long condition, the better choices we can make for ourselves. Always know there are no right or wrong answers (except get OUT immediately if physical violence escalates.) Emotional and severe psychological violence that seriously impacts your daily life should also not be accepted-especially in a marriage. However, it is your choice to make and we are not here to judge your difficult decisions but to help you to decipher the complicated issues and consequences of being married to a cross dresser. No matter what your decision is, we are here to support your personal choice!
Research Information
Please review (and perhaps Google) the following researchers and information:
Catherine Andersonhttp://our world.compuseerve.com/homepages/Cathytg/puge.htm
The American Journal of Psychiatry. Google Robert Butler’s article: Transformations: Cross Dressers and Those Who Love Them.
Also utilize pertinent information from cross-dressers sites and their forums such as Crossdressers.com
Please find comfort in knowing you are far from alone. We are here along with thousands of cross dressers wives, from all over the world, who have kindly and openly shared their private stories onto our forum.
Blessings to each and every one of you,
The Founder
New Upcoming Additions to Our Forum
We have received hundred of requests for a help line. Since we have been unable at this time to obtain grants and enough donations we are planning on establishing a distinct hotline for cross dressers wives to speak with the Founder directly for a fee of $ 50 an hour. This special service will be available 3 days a week, at various hours to accommodate those living outside of the West Coast Region and will also allow for others living in other countries to contact us. Though, I am not a licensed therapist, I do hold several advanced degrees in social sciences and have had 4 years of researching this topic and developing this non for profit organization. But moreover, I am one of you! Our conversations will remain private and I will announce when this new link will be available.
Positive Thought for July’s Newsletter:
The following enlightening and powerful thought came from the book: The Woman’s Book of Confidence, by Sue Patton Thoele…
“I deserve to live in a safe environment. I have the courage to set limits and insist on respectful treatment. I respect myself.”
Volunteer and Contribution Link
We are in need of your assistance through donations and or to volunteer your services to help our non-for profit grow so that we can better serve you needs. Every dollar helps and your volunteerism is also highly appreciated, welcomed and much needed!
The concept of them throwing out their lingerie, wigs and other female clothing is called ‘purging’. Purging is a very common theme amongst cross dressers. The evidence through research (though highly and sadly limited) clearly indicates that statically purging does not work.
According to Catherine Anderson’s 1991 article regarding purging, she states, “purging evades the root cause of cross dressing.” Furthermore, Anderson’s findings also strongly suggest that cross-dressing is done because it feels good and is worth the costs, the multitude of risks, embarrassment and guilt. She and several other researchers have concluded that the pleasure of cross-dressing is a condition.
Anderson states “…Purging denies this rational choice aspect. It merely tries to veto the choice by ultimation.’ Sadly her research indicates that purging is a lie because most cross dressers that have tried to purge and unfortunately realize it is only a matter of time when they start to rebuild a new wardrobe of female clothing. In a nutshell, the need to cross dress overpowers their desire to purge for a long period of time.
Another researcher, Magnus Hirchfeld, who coined the term transvestism in the early 1900’s, indicates that cross-dressing is highly correlated to sexual arousal (but not always). He further brings awareness that cross-dressing is not necessarily a fetish but more of a transvestic behavior.
So many prominent researchers in this limited field have similar findings. One primary finding is that cross-dressing is a condition and behavior. Additionally most researchers conclude purging is highly unsuccessful. How does this pertinent information impact our lives with our cross dressing husbands? If he is telling you (which many posts indicate) that he is now done and is no longer dressing in women’s’ clothing- it is highly unlikely that he is ultimately successful with this endeavor. This is not to imply he doesn’t want to stop but rather that it is out of his control and the sexual arousal of cross-dressing can be too overpowering.
For many cross dressers wives, it is not the condition alone that hurts us –it is the lies. The biggest lie is the one they tell themselves. However for many of us-these lies on top of so many before sadly detonates our trust in them and we question-are they telling us the truth?
Since research indicates that purging is often wishful thinking and unsuccessful, perhaps accepting that no matter how sincere he is about purging, statically he is not likely to succeed with this pursuit.
You can research purging by visiting cross dressers sites, read their postings, critically critique their research links and gather more information to help you better understand what your cross dressing husbands are undergoing and how his conduct impacts your life!!! Some wives are accepting, other’s set boundaries, some get out, and some find ways to live with it. It is a personal choice that only you can make. It is your life, your marriage/relationship and you need to do what is best for you. Self-awareness and self-care is essential!
Now that we know in most cases purging is futile and ineffective, what do we do with this information? Confront them? Look for the new bags of clothes or credit card receipts for lingerie, ignore it, ask him to compromise, keep you out of it, accept it as a part of your marriage? Stay despite the lies? Leave because of the lies? Try to communicate with the help of specialists in this field? The choice is yours.
There are no judgments; your emotions and concerns are all valid. Ladies, how you choose to deal with ‘purging’ is up to you and your cross dressing husband. Nevertheless, we firmly believe in education, research and connecting with other cross dressers wives to assist our diverse needs. The more we know about this life long condition, the better choices we can make for ourselves. Always know there are no right or wrong answers (except get OUT immediately if physical violence escalates.) Emotional and severe psychological violence that seriously impacts your daily life should also not be accepted-especially in a marriage. However, it is your choice to make and we are not here to judge your difficult decisions but to help you to decipher the complicated issues and consequences of being married to a cross dresser. No matter what your decision is, we are here to support your personal choice!
Research Information
Please review (and perhaps Google) the following researchers and information:
Catherine Anderson
The American Journal of Psychiatry. Google Robert Butler’s article: Transformations: Cross Dressers and Those Who Love Them.
Also utilize pertinent information from cross-dressers sites and their forums such as Crossdressers.com
Please find comfort in knowing you are far from alone. We are here along with thousands of cross dressers wives, from all over the world, who have kindly and openly shared their private stories onto our forum.
Blessings to each and every one of you,
The Founder
New Upcoming Additions to Our Forum
We have received hundred of requests for a help line. Since we have been unable at this time to obtain grants and enough donations we are planning on establishing a distinct hotline for cross dressers wives to speak with the Founder directly for a fee of $ 50 an hour. This special service will be available 3 days a week, at various hours to accommodate those living outside of the West Coast Region and will also allow for others living in other countries to contact us. Though, I am not a licensed therapist, I do hold several advanced degrees in social sciences and have had 4 years of researching this topic and developing this non for profit organization. But moreover, I am one of you! Our conversations will remain private and I will announce when this new link will be available.
Positive Thought for July’s Newsletter:
The following enlightening and powerful thought came from the book: The Woman’s Book of Confidence, by Sue Patton Thoele…
“I deserve to live in a safe environment. I have the courage to set limits and insist on respectful treatment. I respect myself.”
Volunteer and Contribution Link
We are in need of your assistance through donations and or to volunteer your services to help our non-for profit grow so that we can better serve you needs. Every dollar helps and your volunteerism is also highly appreciated, welcomed and much needed!
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