Now That You Have Decided to Leave Him
Hope you and yours are all well. As always we are gearing this months newsletter towards a common theme from our forum. There has been a lot of correspondence from many cross dressers wives who are contemplating leaving their marriages and wondering how to leave. Please note, we are not encouraging anyone (other that someone who is being physically abused) to dissolve their marriage. However, for those who want and need to leave their marriage, we want to support their needs and desires.
Many cross dressers wives have been in a long term holding pattern waiting for the next high heel to drop, others contemplate leaving, some stay with boundaries, some live as roommates while others do end up divorcing their cross dressing husbands.
For those of you who wish to leave and are looking for ways to go on with your lives I would like to share a recent posting on the forum. I had her permission to post her comments in this newsletter. It is just one of many stories that I, like many of you, found it to be significant and helpful to those who want and need to reclaim their lives-without their spouses.
This post is from of our beloved Shelly
Dear How to: It sounds like you are in the same situation as I was in during the last few months of my marriage. Does this sound familiar to you: By the time my H realized that he had pushed me too far, that he was losing control over me, it was simply too late. I told him I was leaving. I had been lied to repeatedly, I had been blamed for not accepting him, I had been manipulated and isolated for yrs. He decided that we should start over, put everything behind us, and live happily ever after. He "stopped" cding. He began doing nice things for me, buying me things, becoming concerned about my welfare after yrs of ignoring and minimizing my feelings. But what was done could not be undone. The trust was gone, replaced by suspicion. The love was gone, replaced by a trapped fear. The sexual attraction was gone, replaced by repulsion. He didn't want to talk about cding or the past. I was "holding grudges" and "being unforgiving" if I brought up my doubts or questioned his honesty. I had so much to lose! I had pre-school children, no job, no higher education, my health was very bad after yrs of escalating stress, and my H had been threatening suicide for yrs if I told anyone. I could not live w/ the pain anymore, could not try - not one more time; I knew that if I allowed him back into my heart, I would not survive another betrayal - one that I knew would come, eventually. For me to get out, I had to make a decision to save myself and my kids, to give up my home and everything that I had invested in, and to face the overwhelming fears and uncertainties that made up my future.
How did I do it? 1) I finally told my family and gratefully received their unfaltering support. 2) I went to a psychologist - against the dictates of my H - and got on anti-anxiety medication to help me cope. 3) I mentally disassociated myself from my H, did not allow myself to make his problems my own - I had enough to worry about! 4) I began reading about abuse and manipulation, as suggested by the psychologist. 5) I did what I could to improve my health so that I could face the future as best I could. I think the hardest part was #3; b/c I had loved my H for over half my life and I didn't want to hurt him. I knew that he was in pain, that I was HURTING him - that was very hard; it is not my nature. I found that this helped: I wrote down specific incidents in which MY pain had been totally ignored and disregarded by my H, the many lies and distortions I had been dealing with, the aggressive blame and shameless twisting of reality that he had used for yrs to control my actions and thoughts. This allowed me to keep clear in my mind what I would not allow in my life. It was a very painful time, but I kept my eyes focused on the light at the end of the tunnel - a light that wasn't there if I didn't leave. I have never regretted it. After I left, when I was packing more of my stuff, I found the stash of women's clothing he had hidden in a new place. My mind, to this day, still tends to empathize w/ him, even after he remarried, yrs later, to yet another woman w/out telling her about his sexuality. It's so sad. It just starts all over again. Hope this helps you. This is such a difficult place to be in. If you need out, I hope you can find a way.
______________________________________________________
New Help line Services
Look for our upcoming new link for our new help line service. We are elated to announce this new service and out reach to those wives who are in need of phone support. The Founder is not a therapist, those holds degrees in woman studies and social sciences. Additionally, she has worked with thousands of cross dressers wives for several years. This service should be available soon for $50 an hour.
___________________________________________
Book Update
We are pleased to announce that our book about our lives as cross dressers wives will be published within the next 3-6months. If you are interested in submitting your story please read November 2009 Newsletter and submit your story by February 15th.
____________________________________________
Donations and Volunteer Positions
As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of assistance. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain, confusion and sometimes-severe consequences. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our "high heels" (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital.
______________________________________________________
Recommended reading:
When Your Lover is a Liar by Dr. Susan Forward
How Could You Do This To Me? Learning To Trust After Betrayal by Dr. Jane Greer
The Liar in Your Life by Robert Feldman
___________________________________________
Inspirational Quote
"I am wise and capable. I am my own best expert, my own authority about what is right for me. I have the courage to listen to my inner wisdom. (From the book, The Woman's Book of Courage by Sue Patton Thoele pg. 137)
______________________________________________________
Happy Valentines Day!!! Remember to love yourself.
Blessings,
The Founder
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
WELCOME TO CROSS DRESSERS WIVES JANUARY 2010 NEWSLETTER
HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hope you and yours had a nice holiday! As always, our non-for profit Cross Dressers Wives focuses our newsletters from a comon theme originating from our worldwide forum. This month’s topic is geared towards all of our newcomers.
There have been many new posts from cross dressers wives from all over the word. Most just found out and are in need of immediate support, assistance, guidance, education, TLC and compassion.
Many of us have posted onto the forum our initial responses upon discovering our husbands/partners are cross dressers. Some caught them dressed up; others found their stash of women clothes whereas others realized that their husbands have been frequent visitors on cross dressers sites. No matter how we found out, our reactions often have common threads. For those of us who had no clue- we are often in shock to discover this truth and many feel betrayed by the lies.
This is no easy journey for most of us. It is imperative that you do not blame yourselves for his widely known life long condition. It is not your fault. Also, take no responsibility for not knowing-how could you when many of them hide it for so well and often for so long?
Now that you know-it is time to take good care of yourself. Since knowledge is power, please visit our multifaceted links to education, research etc. This will aid you in deciphering what to do and expect. Also read prior posts on the forum as well as newsletters for diverse and crucial information. You can reach out to other cross dresser wives on the active forum and gain insight into how they are dealing with this issue.
It is vital for your well being not to hold his secret as your own. Secrets can hurt you. Please confide in your best friends, close family members, religious or spiritual leader and seek the help of a therapist. Couples therapy is often helpful as well. And building a strong support team is essential!!!
Many cross dressers wives have found much needed support from our forum-which is the engine that drives this non-for profit website. These incredible, brave, bright, intelligent, supportive and open cross dresses wives will assure you-you are not alone. There are millions of us in the US. But now we are not alone anymore! We have each other for support, information, guidance, compassion, understanding and assistance.
In essence there are no right or wrong answers as to what to do now that you know; it all boils down to a personal choice.
__________________________
BOOK UPDATE
We have received several stories and contracts. However we are still open to extending our deadline until January 30th 2010. Please contact The Founder atcdwives@gmail.com for details. All submissions thus far have been accepted and are very powerful. They will be useful to many others cross dressers wives. Thank you all for your participation!!
Positive Quote For The Month and New Year
“I have the right to have limits. I know my limits and allow myself to do what is reasonable for me.”
By Sue Patton Thoele, The Woman’s Book of Courage (pg 191).
______________________________
Blessings to all! May the New Year bring joy, happiness, clarity and good health!
The Founder
There have been many new posts from cross dressers wives from all over the word. Most just found out and are in need of immediate support, assistance, guidance, education, TLC and compassion.
Many of us have posted onto the forum our initial responses upon discovering our husbands/partners are cross dressers. Some caught them dressed up; others found their stash of women clothes whereas others realized that their husbands have been frequent visitors on cross dressers sites. No matter how we found out, our reactions often have common threads. For those of us who had no clue- we are often in shock to discover this truth and many feel betrayed by the lies.
This is no easy journey for most of us. It is imperative that you do not blame yourselves for his widely known life long condition. It is not your fault. Also, take no responsibility for not knowing-how could you when many of them hide it for so well and often for so long?
Now that you know-it is time to take good care of yourself. Since knowledge is power, please visit our multifaceted links to education, research etc. This will aid you in deciphering what to do and expect. Also read prior posts on the forum as well as newsletters for diverse and crucial information. You can reach out to other cross dresser wives on the active forum and gain insight into how they are dealing with this issue.
It is vital for your well being not to hold his secret as your own. Secrets can hurt you. Please confide in your best friends, close family members, religious or spiritual leader and seek the help of a therapist. Couples therapy is often helpful as well. And building a strong support team is essential!!!
Many cross dressers wives have found much needed support from our forum-which is the engine that drives this non-for profit website. These incredible, brave, bright, intelligent, supportive and open cross dresses wives will assure you-you are not alone. There are millions of us in the US. But now we are not alone anymore! We have each other for support, information, guidance, compassion, understanding and assistance.
In essence there are no right or wrong answers as to what to do now that you know; it all boils down to a personal choice.
__________________________
BOOK UPDATE
We have received several stories and contracts. However we are still open to extending our deadline until January 30th 2010. Please contact The Founder at
Positive Quote For The Month and New Year
“I have the right to have limits. I know my limits and allow myself to do what is reasonable for me.”
By Sue Patton Thoele, The Woman’s Book of Courage (pg 191).
______________________________
Blessings to all! May the New Year bring joy, happiness, clarity and good health!
The Founder
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Welcome to Cross Dressers Wives December 2009 Newsletter
Thriving Techniques!
Each Cross Dressers Wives NPO newsletter is geared towards a common theme stemming from our worldwide forum (also know as our safe haven). Many cross dressers wives pose the pertinent question, how can I survive living with a cross dresser? Others inquire, how can I let go of my anger and resentment towards my cross dressing husband or ex-cross dressing husband?
Often our experiences are driving our emotions in so many different directions. Sometimes it is too arduous to take inventory of our feelings – since they are often very mixed. Many still love their cross dressing husbands and want their marriages to prosper and grow; on the other hand, if you are a cross dresser’s wife who is deeply troubled by your husband’s most often life-long condition -how do you survive this baneful journey? Thrive by taking back your power.
_____________________________________________
Thriving Techniques
A necessary ingredient of thriving is that it is a form of action-not just ignoring nor denying the obvious problems affiliated with being married to a cross dresser. Take demonstrative actions that will enable you to become THRIVERS.
The following are simply a few suggestions as to how to become a ‘thriver’ vs. a survivor. Once you take action the power to thrive is available to you, but you have to be ready. Many need a time of mourning/grieving stages, as well as those who need to get beyond the stages of depression, sadness, anger and frequently Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It will demand that you take active steps to change your life into the way in which you want to live.
Build a much-needed support system. Confide in your best friends, closest family members, religious or spiritual leader. Engage in couples therapy or individual therapy. Seek out much needed assistance from others. Communicate with other cross dressers wives and stay active on our worldwide forum.
Develop a spiritual self. Douse yourself with spiritual/self help book, movies and various forms of literature. Exercise. Take up yoga; it can works miracles for your mind, body, soul and spirit. Journal daily. Draw a map of where you are right now and where you want to be. What steps do you need to take in order for you to get from A to Z?
Therapy, time, Tender Loving Care (TLC), support groups and making exciting plans for the future will all help you to utilize all of your tools, skills and life experiences. The aforementioned tips can all lead to becoming THRIVERS vs. survivors.
Remember, laughter is a healing mechanism. Yes, this may take some time and effort but it is worth going through the process. Plus it’s fun. Studies have shown that people who laugh more are healthier and a lot happier. So why not watch funny movies, read hilarious stories or go and have an enjoyable girls night out. You will live longer and happier! In addition, research has shown that having a pet enables you to live happier, healthier and longer lives.
Ultimately you must come to terms with the fact that you cannot change your cross-dressing husband’s condition. You only have the power to change yourself and the way in which you respond to him.
Taking productive action is a positive, healthy way to become a thriver.
Last but certainly not least, you have to forgive yourself (you did nothing but marry a cross dresser). However, you need to find a way to forgive him as well; not for his sake but for yours. Forgiveness is a choice and it does not equate to forgetting but just letting go…with forgiveness you can truly move forward in a much happier and healthier mode. You deserve this gift that appears to be his but it is benefits you even more.
The aforementioned techniques can all lead to becoming THRIVERS Vs. Survivors. The main differences between surviving and thriving is that surviving is just getting by, whereas thriving changes your lifestyle, empowers you to take much need productive action steps.
_____________________________________________
Thriving Affirmations and Enlightening Quotes
The following is a list of diverse and multi-faceted affirmations, tools and skills that can create, construct and buttress your thriving lifestyle.
1. The Woman’s Book of Confidence, by Sue Patton Theole, states, “I have the courage to pamper myself. I am worthy of receiving as well as giving. Pampering and taking care of myself is a healthy thing to do.”
2. Succulent Wild Women, by SARK, suggests, “Treat yourself as kindly as you do your best friend.” She encourages one to create her own healing book to support one’s own healing. “Become your own partner-marry yourself.”
3. The Language of Success, A Collection from Blue Mountain Press, A poem by Natasha Yosefowitz
Lose /Win
I have the path of
Failure
Frustration
Disappointment
Defeat
Because I have taken a chance on
Winning
Succeeding
Achieving
It takes a lot of the first
to get some of the second
4. Finding Joy: A Practical Spiritual Guide to Happiness, Daniel I. Schwartz, eloquently states, “ …happiness is less matter of bouncing back from defeat than making the routine parts of our lives seem interesting. It is so easy for us to go through day-to-day on cruise control, with our sense and minds disconnected. He continues, “…when we put ourselves on automatic we are merely going through the motions of life and not consciously noticing what’s going on around us.”
5. The Well-Being Journal: Drawing on Your Inner Power to Heal Yourself, Lucia Capacchione upholds, “Meditate on some ways in which you can get clear in your own life. What areas in your own personal environment need cleaning and clearing?" Capacchione purports, “ Write a plan of action for getting clear, for doing spring cleaning in your life. Make a list of things that you can get rid of…to lighten your load. List the worries, problems and burdens that you want to dispose of at this time. Make a schedule of weekly clearing activities in all areas of your life. Take it a bit at a time bit do it consistently.”
6. The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, His Holiness, The Dali Lama and Howard C. Cutler, MD. Clearly believes, “ The very notion of our life is towards happiness...I believe the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness.”
7. Reinventing Your Life, J.E. Young, PhD and J.S. Klosko, Ph.D., suggest their readers to take their “ Mistrust and abuse questionnaire” located on page 85. I believe that this process can enable you to develop thriving tools in lieu of surviving tools.
8. Creating: A Guide to the Creative Process, by Robert Fritz. “Do not change unless it supports a specific result you want to create.”
9. The Divorce Remedy, by Michael Weiner Davis, observes, “People who stay together but don’t forgive live life in shallow, meaningless relationships. They just go through the motions, but feel no joy or closeness…choose love forgive.”
10. I Could Do Anything if I only knew what it was, by Barbara Sher and Barbara Smith, boldly state, “It was never part of your plan, so like any general in the field, when the unexpected happens and the whole operation changes you have to regroup…if your life has suddenly change, you, too have received an inheritance. Your gift may look more like a disaster to you now, but think about your situation. So think about your situation for a moment. Suddenly you have been
given a wide array of new choices – in effect, a second life.”
11. Perhaps adhering to The Serenity Prayer could also help: “God, light of my life, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.” I keep a copy of it in my purse.
Update On the NPO Book
Please note we have extended the NPO Book submissions to December 30th. Some have submitted their stories, signed the contracts and are in receipt of their compensation checks.
Please know that the Founder does not nor will own the rights to your courageous stories. The NPO owns the stories and the bulk of the proceeds will go to support and expand the NPO: Cross Dressers Wives.
Please know every submission thus far has been graciously accepted for our book! So congratulations to those whose stories will be included.
Anyone interested in submitting or simply have questions, please do not hesitate to contact me cdwives@gmailcom. I would be delighted to answer any of your pertinent questions. I am also willing to call you or provide my number if you prefer to discuss this matter. It is an exciting journey. We are on our way!!!
Donation Contributions
As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of assistance. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain, confusion and sometimes-severe consequences. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our “high heels” (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital.
May you all have a wonderful holiday seasons.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours!
Blessings,
The Founder
Each Cross Dressers Wives NPO newsletter is geared towards a common theme stemming from our worldwide forum (also know as our safe haven). Many cross dressers wives pose the pertinent question, how can I survive living with a cross dresser? Others inquire, how can I let go of my anger and resentment towards my cross dressing husband or ex-cross dressing husband?
Often our experiences are driving our emotions in so many different directions. Sometimes it is too arduous to take inventory of our feelings – since they are often very mixed. Many still love their cross dressing husbands and want their marriages to prosper and grow; on the other hand, if you are a cross dresser’s wife who is deeply troubled by your husband’s most often life-long condition -how do you survive this baneful journey? Thrive by taking back your power.
_____________________________________________
Thriving Techniques
A necessary ingredient of thriving is that it is a form of action-not just ignoring nor denying the obvious problems affiliated with being married to a cross dresser. Take demonstrative actions that will enable you to become THRIVERS.
The following are simply a few suggestions as to how to become a ‘thriver’ vs. a survivor. Once you take action the power to thrive is available to you, but you have to be ready. Many need a time of mourning/grieving stages, as well as those who need to get beyond the stages of depression, sadness, anger and frequently Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It will demand that you take active steps to change your life into the way in which you want to live.
Build a much-needed support system. Confide in your best friends, closest family members, religious or spiritual leader. Engage in couples therapy or individual therapy. Seek out much needed assistance from others. Communicate with other cross dressers wives and stay active on our worldwide forum.
Develop a spiritual self. Douse yourself with spiritual/self help book, movies and various forms of literature. Exercise. Take up yoga; it can works miracles for your mind, body, soul and spirit. Journal daily. Draw a map of where you are right now and where you want to be. What steps do you need to take in order for you to get from A to Z?
Therapy, time, Tender Loving Care (TLC), support groups and making exciting plans for the future will all help you to utilize all of your tools, skills and life experiences. The aforementioned tips can all lead to becoming THRIVERS vs. survivors.
Remember, laughter is a healing mechanism. Yes, this may take some time and effort but it is worth going through the process. Plus it’s fun. Studies have shown that people who laugh more are healthier and a lot happier. So why not watch funny movies, read hilarious stories or go and have an enjoyable girls night out. You will live longer and happier! In addition, research has shown that having a pet enables you to live happier, healthier and longer lives.
Ultimately you must come to terms with the fact that you cannot change your cross-dressing husband’s condition. You only have the power to change yourself and the way in which you respond to him.
Taking productive action is a positive, healthy way to become a thriver.
Last but certainly not least, you have to forgive yourself (you did nothing but marry a cross dresser). However, you need to find a way to forgive him as well; not for his sake but for yours. Forgiveness is a choice and it does not equate to forgetting but just letting go…with forgiveness you can truly move forward in a much happier and healthier mode. You deserve this gift that appears to be his but it is benefits you even more.
The aforementioned techniques can all lead to becoming THRIVERS Vs. Survivors. The main differences between surviving and thriving is that surviving is just getting by, whereas thriving changes your lifestyle, empowers you to take much need productive action steps.
_____________________________________________
Thriving Affirmations and Enlightening Quotes
The following is a list of diverse and multi-faceted affirmations, tools and skills that can create, construct and buttress your thriving lifestyle.
1. The Woman’s Book of Confidence, by Sue Patton Theole, states, “I have the courage to pamper myself. I am worthy of receiving as well as giving. Pampering and taking care of myself is a healthy thing to do.”
2. Succulent Wild Women, by SARK, suggests, “Treat yourself as kindly as you do your best friend.” She encourages one to create her own healing book to support one’s own healing. “Become your own partner-marry yourself.”
3. The Language of Success, A Collection from Blue Mountain Press, A poem by Natasha Yosefowitz
Lose /Win
I have the path of
Failure
Frustration
Disappointment
Defeat
Because I have taken a chance on
Winning
Succeeding
Achieving
It takes a lot of the first
to get some of the second
4. Finding Joy: A Practical Spiritual Guide to Happiness, Daniel I. Schwartz, eloquently states, “ …happiness is less matter of bouncing back from defeat than making the routine parts of our lives seem interesting. It is so easy for us to go through day-to-day on cruise control, with our sense and minds disconnected. He continues, “…when we put ourselves on automatic we are merely going through the motions of life and not consciously noticing what’s going on around us.”
5. The Well-Being Journal: Drawing on Your Inner Power to Heal Yourself, Lucia Capacchione upholds, “Meditate on some ways in which you can get clear in your own life. What areas in your own personal environment need cleaning and clearing?" Capacchione purports, “ Write a plan of action for getting clear, for doing spring cleaning in your life. Make a list of things that you can get rid of…to lighten your load. List the worries, problems and burdens that you want to dispose of at this time. Make a schedule of weekly clearing activities in all areas of your life. Take it a bit at a time bit do it consistently.”
6. The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, His Holiness, The Dali Lama and Howard C. Cutler, MD. Clearly believes, “ The very notion of our life is towards happiness...I believe the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness.”
7. Reinventing Your Life, J.E. Young, PhD and J.S. Klosko, Ph.D., suggest their readers to take their “ Mistrust and abuse questionnaire” located on page 85. I believe that this process can enable you to develop thriving tools in lieu of surviving tools.
8. Creating: A Guide to the Creative Process, by Robert Fritz. “Do not change unless it supports a specific result you want to create.”
9. The Divorce Remedy, by Michael Weiner Davis, observes, “People who stay together but don’t forgive live life in shallow, meaningless relationships. They just go through the motions, but feel no joy or closeness…choose love forgive.”
10. I Could Do Anything if I only knew what it was, by Barbara Sher and Barbara Smith, boldly state, “It was never part of your plan, so like any general in the field, when the unexpected happens and the whole operation changes you have to regroup…if your life has suddenly change, you, too have received an inheritance. Your gift may look more like a disaster to you now, but think about your situation. So think about your situation for a moment. Suddenly you have been
given a wide array of new choices – in effect, a second life.”
11. Perhaps adhering to The Serenity Prayer could also help: “God, light of my life, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.” I keep a copy of it in my purse.
Update On the NPO Book
Please note we have extended the NPO Book submissions to December 30th. Some have submitted their stories, signed the contracts and are in receipt of their compensation checks.
Please know that the Founder does not nor will own the rights to your courageous stories. The NPO owns the stories and the bulk of the proceeds will go to support and expand the NPO: Cross Dressers Wives.
Please know every submission thus far has been graciously accepted for our book! So congratulations to those whose stories will be included.
Anyone interested in submitting or simply have questions, please do not hesitate to contact me cdwives@gmailcom. I would be delighted to answer any of your pertinent questions. I am also willing to call you or provide my number if you prefer to discuss this matter. It is an exciting journey. We are on our way!!!
Donation Contributions
As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of assistance. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain, confusion and sometimes-severe consequences. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our “high heels” (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital.
May you all have a wonderful holiday seasons.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours!
Blessings,
The Founder
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Cross Dressers Wives November Monthly Newsletter
The Upcoming Book Regarding Our Lives As Cross Dressers Wives
About one year ago, while reading our world wide active forum, it suddenly occurred to me that the non-for profit, Cross Dressers Wives, should compile our anonymous stories. The purpose of constructing this much-needed book is to disclose our unknown lifestyles as cross dressers wives. The deficiency of information about our lives is symbolic of why so many of us never tell anyone. Only those cross dressers wives who are willing participants would be included in this currently unpublished book. It is my hope that these significant, indispensable, compelling and yet virtually untold stories will enlighten society about this marginalized group of millions of women all over the world (aka-all of US). The primary focus is on supporting cross dressers wives, who are struggling with this issue most often in silence. By telling our stories, how we found out, how we dealt with it, when we found out, what happened to our lives, how we pulled through or are still in the process of coping with being married or having a partner that is a cross dresser, are all pertinent and vital information. Society needs to know we exist and many of us have undergone such baneful journeys, alone. And how many more of us are suffering, or do not know his secret yet and are living an unknown and unforeseen life of lies?
The book will follow the mission statement of this non-for profit organization and therefore as we disclose our stories, we will respect the rights of cross dressers. This is not about bashing cross dressers. We uphold that cross dressers have every right to dress like women. However, it is important to note, what they do not have the right to do is to lie to us at the altar, and take away our choice whether to knowingly marry a cross dresser or not. Many of us would hope that this essential book would help to encourage cross dressers to disclose their condition-long before their unsuspecting bride walks down that aisle. It is also vital to discuss why so many of cross dressers (cds) choose not to tell.
Please find some suggestions as well as flexible guidelines for any and all cross dressers wives interested in being considered a possible contributor for the upcoming book. Furthermore, the non-for profit (NPO) Cross Dressers Wives wishes to thank you all for your wonderful support and contributions to our web site, as well as the book. We need to lean on each other, support each other, share our stories and seek advice from one another. Also our non for profit wishes to make it absolutely clear that any and all of your written contributions on the web site are so very meaningful to everyone. Additionally, Cross Dressers Wives hopes that anyone who does not wish or is not able to contribute in this way needs to know that we appreciate and understand your often-difficult positions. Nonetheless, we recognize and sincerely appreciate your other valuable participation on this site.
This unpublished book has the potential to reach out to other CD wives-who we know are suffering. Cross Dressers Wives hopes that the majority of possible proceeds can be utilized to build the NPO/website-which would include a cross dressers 911 hot line (at least for a few scheduled days a week at various hours to assist those cd wives from other countries). We receive e-mails from all over the world from cd wives seeking assistance and asking to speak to other cross dressers wives.
It is also my wish to have the site available in several different languages-since we receive hits worldwide everyday and I hate to think a language barrier is preventing some cd wives from receiving assistance that many desperately need. Therefore to assist those non-English speaking cross dressers wives, we wish to have this book published in multiple languages.
There are so many myths as well and concerns that need to be addressed in telling our personal stories.
1) CD are gay...the truth is NO they are not! They are overwhelming married and heterosexual.
2) How did they hide this from us?
3) Why are there so few studies done on cross dressers- and why are our needs as cd wives virtually ignored?
4) Our initial reactions.
5) Why most of us never tell anyone.
6) Purging.
7) BETRAYAL often hurts more than cross-dressing.
8) What about our children-do they know? How do they feel? How did they find out?
9) Why do so many of us feel such guilt, shame, and self-blame?
10) Why do some of us stay, leave, reside as roommates or live in denial?
11) Can he stop? If he loved me he would stop! Right?
12) Why can't so many of us just accept it and enjoy it?
13) Did he dress up in front of us?
14) In hindsight-what were some missed signs (like dressing up EVER YEAR on Halloween as women. Or sometimes our clothes were missing or missed placed.
15) How can we reach out to each other and lend advice, support and share our stories?
16) We need to have our needs accepted, met, addressed and exposed. Why do some many of feel like damaged goods? We did nothing wrong- other than trust our husbands.
17) Should we stay for the sake of our children?
18) Has our religious beliefs impacted our decisions?
19) Did you find a trained counselor in this astonishing, unusual and uncommon field?
20) Provide educational information we have come across.
21) Enlighten society about CD-but moreover about us as cross dressers wives or ex cross dressers wives.
22) Additionally did you become a ‘thriver’, and not a survivor; and if so, how?
23) The list of what to disclose and discuss is endless. I suspect many wives/ partners can write about their forum posts, what they have learned from each other, tell their stories-and how they are managing the daily struggles that so many of us experience.
Some stories are bound to be longer and more in depth. The more you choose to disclose the richer the book will be. Cross Dressers Wives would prefer that you limit your submissions to a minimum of 5 pages and a maximum of 20 pages.
All interested parties please contact Cross Dressers Wives ASAP atcdwives@gmail.com for more detailed information. I need to confidentially send all of those interested parties copies of the contracts-which can only be done once you supply me with your e-mail address. A specific e-mail contact group is forming for the cd wives/partners or ex cd wives who are considering contributing their stories None of your true identities will be not be disclosed. Every accepted submission will be equally compensated.
Many have contacted me wit a desire to share their stories but feared their writing skills needed polishing and assistance. Please note, we will help to edit your stories without changing the contents of your story.
If you are interested in finding out more information, please e-mail me. I look forward to receiving your e-mails so that this much needed project can swiftly move forward. Our stories must be told since most books about cross dressers wives are about loving the feminine side of their cd husbands. Our stories disclose the other side, which appears to be the silent majority. Many gays, lesbians, transgenders, transsexuals, cross dressers are out of the closet. This is our turn to break out of our silent closets and anynomously ‘come out’ together.
trans-genders"font-size:16.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"">
Donation Contributions
As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of immediate assistance. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain, confusion and sometimes-severe consequences. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our ‘high heels’ (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital!!! However, it took me years to reach the stage where I could locate the humor through the pain.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
May you and yours enjoy all of your blessings during this holiday season. May the changing of seasons usher in positive and welcome changes in your lives. Please feel free to comment on our newsletters. We always welcome your input, suggestions and various opinions!
With much gratitude, appreciation and blessings,
The Founder
cdwives@gmail.com
About one year ago, while reading our world wide active forum, it suddenly occurred to me that the non-for profit, Cross Dressers Wives, should compile our anonymous stories. The purpose of constructing this much-needed book is to disclose our unknown lifestyles as cross dressers wives. The deficiency of information about our lives is symbolic of why so many of us never tell anyone. Only those cross dressers wives who are willing participants would be included in this currently unpublished book. It is my hope that these significant, indispensable, compelling and yet virtually untold stories will enlighten society about this marginalized group of millions of women all over the world (aka-all of US). The primary focus is on supporting cross dressers wives, who are struggling with this issue most often in silence. By telling our stories, how we found out, how we dealt with it, when we found out, what happened to our lives, how we pulled through or are still in the process of coping with being married or having a partner that is a cross dresser, are all pertinent and vital information. Society needs to know we exist and many of us have undergone such baneful journeys, alone. And how many more of us are suffering, or do not know his secret yet and are living an unknown and unforeseen life of lies?
The book will follow the mission statement of this non-for profit organization and therefore as we disclose our stories, we will respect the rights of cross dressers. This is not about bashing cross dressers. We uphold that cross dressers have every right to dress like women. However, it is important to note, what they do not have the right to do is to lie to us at the altar, and take away our choice whether to knowingly marry a cross dresser or not. Many of us would hope that this essential book would help to encourage cross dressers to disclose their condition-long before their unsuspecting bride walks down that aisle. It is also vital to discuss why so many of cross dressers (cds) choose not to tell.
Please find some suggestions as well as flexible guidelines for any and all cross dressers wives interested in being considered a possible contributor for the upcoming book. Furthermore, the non-for profit (NPO) Cross Dressers Wives wishes to thank you all for your wonderful support and contributions to our web site, as well as the book. We need to lean on each other, support each other, share our stories and seek advice from one another. Also our non for profit wishes to make it absolutely clear that any and all of your written contributions on the web site are so very meaningful to everyone. Additionally, Cross Dressers Wives hopes that anyone who does not wish or is not able to contribute in this way needs to know that we appreciate and understand your often-difficult positions. Nonetheless, we recognize and sincerely appreciate your other valuable participation on this site.
This unpublished book has the potential to reach out to other CD wives-who we know are suffering. Cross Dressers Wives hopes that the majority of possible proceeds can be utilized to build the NPO/website-which would include a cross dressers 911 hot line (at least for a few scheduled days a week at various hours to assist those cd wives from other countries). We receive e-mails from all over the world from cd wives seeking assistance and asking to speak to other cross dressers wives.
It is also my wish to have the site available in several different languages-since we receive hits worldwide everyday and I hate to think a language barrier is preventing some cd wives from receiving assistance that many desperately need. Therefore to assist those non-English speaking cross dressers wives, we wish to have this book published in multiple languages.
There are so many myths as well and concerns that need to be addressed in telling our personal stories.
1) CD are gay...the truth is NO they are not! They are overwhelming married and heterosexual.
2) How did they hide this from us?
3) Why are there so few studies done on cross dressers- and why are our needs as cd wives virtually ignored?
4) Our initial reactions.
5) Why most of us never tell anyone.
6) Purging.
7) BETRAYAL often hurts more than cross-dressing.
8) What about our children-do they know? How do they feel? How did they find out?
9) Why do so many of us feel such guilt, shame, and self-blame?
10) Why do some of us stay, leave, reside as roommates or live in denial?
11) Can he stop? If he loved me he would stop! Right?
12) Why can't so many of us just accept it and enjoy it?
13) Did he dress up in front of us?
14) In hindsight-what were some missed signs (like dressing up EVER YEAR on Halloween as women. Or sometimes our clothes were missing or missed placed.
15) How can we reach out to each other and lend advice, support and share our stories?
16) We need to have our needs accepted, met, addressed and exposed. Why do some many of feel like damaged goods? We did nothing wrong- other than trust our husbands.
17) Should we stay for the sake of our children?
18) Has our religious beliefs impacted our decisions?
19) Did you find a trained counselor in this astonishing, unusual and uncommon field?
20) Provide educational information we have come across.
21) Enlighten society about CD-but moreover about us as cross dressers wives or ex cross dressers wives.
22) Additionally did you become a ‘thriver’, and not a survivor; and if so, how?
23) The list of what to disclose and discuss is endless. I suspect many wives/ partners can write about their forum posts, what they have learned from each other, tell their stories-and how they are managing the daily struggles that so many of us experience.
Some stories are bound to be longer and more in depth. The more you choose to disclose the richer the book will be. Cross Dressers Wives would prefer that you limit your submissions to a minimum of 5 pages and a maximum of 20 pages.
All interested parties please contact Cross Dressers Wives ASAP at
Many have contacted me wit a desire to share their stories but feared their writing skills needed polishing and assistance. Please note, we will help to edit your stories without changing the contents of your story.
If you are interested in finding out more information, please e-mail me. I look forward to receiving your e-mails so that this much needed project can swiftly move forward. Our stories must be told since most books about cross dressers wives are about loving the feminine side of their cd husbands. Our stories disclose the other side, which appears to be the silent majority. Many gays, lesbians, transgenders, transsexuals, cross dressers are out of the closet. This is our turn to break out of our silent closets and anynomously ‘come out’ together.
trans-genders"font-size:16.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"">
Donation Contributions
As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of immediate assistance. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain, confusion and sometimes-severe consequences. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our ‘high heels’ (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital!!! However, it took me years to reach the stage where I could locate the humor through the pain.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
May you and yours enjoy all of your blessings during this holiday season. May the changing of seasons usher in positive and welcome changes in your lives. Please feel free to comment on our newsletters. We always welcome your input, suggestions and various opinions!
With much gratitude, appreciation and blessings,
The Founder
cdwives@gmail.com
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Welcome to Cross Dressers Wives October Newsletter!
Is My Husband Heterosexual, Gay or Bisexual?
Our worldwide forum has received a multitude of new posts from so many welcomed newcomers. Every month our newsletter is geared towards a common theme that originates from the forum. There have always been many concerns about our cross dressing husbands and/or partners, who some of us suspect might be gay or bi-sexual cross dressers. However, recently there has been a significant increase from cross dressers wives who post concerns about their husband’s sexual preference. Many highly suspect (by discovering evidence of activity on gay porn sites or additional questionable behaviors such as lack of sexual interest with us) that their husbands are not simply cross dressers, but are also gay/bi-sexual.
The overwhelming research currently available strongly suggests that approximately 85% of cross dressers are heterosexual. Therefore, according to the majority data currently available, only 15% of cross-dressers are known to be gay and some are bisexual.
In fact, according to Cross-Dressing, Sex and Gender, by Vern L. Bullough and Bonnie Bullough, there has been a diversity of cross-cultural studies by social scientists from 1970s to 1988. Their findings revealed the following data:
(1) The number of cross dressers who are strictly heterosexual range from 72% to 97%.
(2) The number of cross dressers who are exclusively gay range from 3% to 9%.
(3) Bisexual cross dressers in the US make up 28% of the cross-dressing population.
(4) The number of cross dressers who are married range from 78% to 88%.
These findings would indicate that the overwhelming majority of cross dressers are heterosexual and married. Therefore our cross dressing husbands are much more likely to be heterosexual; however, that does not eliminate the possibility that a small percentage of them are in fact gay or bisexual.
Curiously, unusual findings have been uncovered by Marc E. Vargo, MS, in Acts of Disclosure: The Coming –Out Process of Contemporary Gay Men. Through his research conducted by counseling many gay adolescents, Vargo came to the realization that some of them reported cross dressing because they, “…mistakenly believed that, as gay individuals, that is what they were supposed to do.” Vargo also suggests that some adolescent gays stopped cross dressing once they met and socialized with other young gay men, who did not cross dress. Obviously, even gay adolescents are confused; some buy into the misconceptions, misinformation, malinformation and myths that cross dressers are gay and gays are cross dressers. This myth needs to be ousted and corrected for the sake of everyone involved, which is inclusive of gays, cross dressers, cross dressers wives, and society in general.
Cross dressers cannot nor should not be pigeonholed as gay because they, like cross dressers wives, are all distinctly different from one another. Another indicator that many cross dressers are not gay lies in the fact that there are many inter-social clubs for heterosexual cross dressers throughout many countries. If the need were not there these groups would not exist.
Furthermore, more research by Peggy J. Rudd’s, My Husband Wears My Clothes, strongly upholds her theory that the majority of cross dressers, especially those who are femmophilia (a strong love for their feminine side-with no sexual connotations) have no intention of engaging in homosexual acts.
The ongoing problems and challenges regarding the sexual preferences of cross dressers is that society assumes that all cross dressers are homosexuals. Why else would they dress up in feminine clothing? This common falsehood/misconception indicates a strong need for more research and awareness for the lifelong condition of cross dressing. Cumulative worldwide research by social scientists, as well as the information provided by cross dresser sites and the overwhelming results from our worldwide website survey, indicates that the majority of our cross dressing husbands are in fact heterosexual.
Logic dictates that since there is so much secrecy surrounding the issue of cross dressing and that many cross dressers are still in the closet, that the margin for error on the aforementioned studies, statistics and theories are most likely high, since many cross dressers have not or will not disclose their condition. Many stay in denial, protecting their secrets from themselves, their wives, family and friends. Many scientists acknowledge that their findings are highly questionable due to the under-reporting of cross dressers and their sexual preferences. There is a high probability that the number of cross dressers recorded is actually much higher than we currently estimate. Clearly, more extensive longitudinal and latitudinal studies need to be done on this highly controversial issue.
Nonetheless, there is a multitude of recent posts that suggests that many who participate on this forum have reason to suspect that their cross dressing husbands fall into the minority. Reviewing the posts, indicates that many wives have concrete evidence that their cross dressing husbands are in fact engaging in homosexual acts and/or are spending a lot of their time on gay related sites. Many cross dressers wives ask why a heterosexual cross dresser would visit gay porn sites? Why would they post pictures of themselves on to gay porn sites? Sign up for gay cross dressing dating sites? Is it out of curiosity? Exploration of their own sexuality? Are they fearful of being gay, or being ousted? Do some believe if they are cross dressers that they must be gay? It is important to note that some might not have any concrete answers. Some cross dressers are also scared, confused and do not understand all of the underpinnings of cross dressing and how it might relate to their sexual preference. Denial goes both ways…some of them stay in denial, as do their wives.
Additionally, it is important to note, according to several forum postings many cross dressing husbands deny any desires or acts of homosexuality. Many cross dressers’ wives are highly suspicious of their husbands’ conduct and behaviors. Most often when cross dressers wives discover their husband’s on-line history, and come across valid concerns over their husbands true sexual desires, (via the Internet) they are often distraught by more lies, deceit and betrayal. Many question if they can trust their husbands who have repeatedly chosen not to disclose being a cross dresser, bisexual or homosexual. It appears from the worldwide posts that some wives are not just fearful of their husbands being cross dressers but also being cross dressing homosexuals or bisexuals.
Therefore, if you want to know the truth about your cross dressing husbands’ sexual preferences and you have some reason to suspect or question their sexuality, pay attention to any possible clues. Follow any and all possible leads. Some cross dressers wives might choose to investigate their husbands on line activities, openly discuss their concerns with their cross dressing husbands, or seek couples counseling (preferably with a therapist who specializes in cross dressing). Our July Newsletter focuses on the issue of choosing to snoop or not to snoop. Many of our cross dressing husbands might not know the truth about the origins of their condition but they are well aware of their behaviors. As their wives or partners, we have the right to the truth about their conduct. How we choose, or if we choose to find out, boils down to an individual choice, which is frequently a painful one.
In conclusion, if you suspect or have evidence that suggests or proves your husband has engaged in sex outside of marriage, it is vital for your health and well being to be tested for STDs and AIDS. It is a merely a precautionary measure to ensure that you are safe from the aforementioned diseases. It is in your power to protect yourself from any possible physical harm! It is a relief to find out at least your body has not contracted any of these diseases (even though the possibly is extremely slight, it is worth seeing a doctor).
_____________________________________________
Upcoming Changes to Cross Dressers Wives Web Site
Please note that we are currently developing a new link, specifically designed for newcomers! The main purpose is to enlighten these cross dressers wives and familiarize them with our worldwide site. It is vital that they understand our goals and missions, various links and most importantly our forum, which is the engine that drives, our non-for-profit, Cross-Dressers Wives. It will provide them with a quick overview of the benefits and history of our website!
_____________________________________________
Donations and Volunteers Needed
As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of assistance. Furthermore, it is our intention to provide a hotline designed specifically for cross dressers wives who are struggling with this lifelong condition and wish to talk with other cross dressers wives about their challenging circumstances. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion, guidance and validate their emotions. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain and confusion. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our “high heels” (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital!!!
_____________________________________________
Information Regarding Our Upcoming Book
For those of you who have expressed an interest in submitting your anynomous stories for our upcoming book, please contact the Founder @ cdwives@gmail.com. Thank you all in advance for your willingness to share your stories.
_____________________________________________
Our inspirational Quote for October originates from, The Woman’s Book of Confidence, by Sue Patten Thoele…
“I have the courage to feel my feelings. I express my grief constructively. I am strong and able to transcend and heal my wounds.”
_____________________________________________
With much gratitude, appreciation and blessings,
The Founder
Our worldwide forum has received a multitude of new posts from so many welcomed newcomers. Every month our newsletter is geared towards a common theme that originates from the forum. There have always been many concerns about our cross dressing husbands and/or partners, who some of us suspect might be gay or bi-sexual cross dressers. However, recently there has been a significant increase from cross dressers wives who post concerns about their husband’s sexual preference. Many highly suspect (by discovering evidence of activity on gay porn sites or additional questionable behaviors such as lack of sexual interest with us) that their husbands are not simply cross dressers, but are also gay/bi-sexual.
The overwhelming research currently available strongly suggests that approximately 85% of cross dressers are heterosexual. Therefore, according to the majority data currently available, only 15% of cross-dressers are known to be gay and some are bisexual.
In fact, according to Cross-Dressing, Sex and Gender, by Vern L. Bullough and Bonnie Bullough, there has been a diversity of cross-cultural studies by social scientists from 1970s to 1988. Their findings revealed the following data:
(1) The number of cross dressers who are strictly heterosexual range from 72% to 97%.
(2) The number of cross dressers who are exclusively gay range from 3% to 9%.
(3) Bisexual cross dressers in the US make up 28% of the cross-dressing population.
(4) The number of cross dressers who are married range from 78% to 88%.
These findings would indicate that the overwhelming majority of cross dressers are heterosexual and married. Therefore our cross dressing husbands are much more likely to be heterosexual; however, that does not eliminate the possibility that a small percentage of them are in fact gay or bisexual.
Curiously, unusual findings have been uncovered by Marc E. Vargo, MS, in Acts of Disclosure: The Coming –Out Process of Contemporary Gay Men. Through his research conducted by counseling many gay adolescents, Vargo came to the realization that some of them reported cross dressing because they, “…mistakenly believed that, as gay individuals, that is what they were supposed to do.” Vargo also suggests that some adolescent gays stopped cross dressing once they met and socialized with other young gay men, who did not cross dress. Obviously, even gay adolescents are confused; some buy into the misconceptions, misinformation, malinformation and myths that cross dressers are gay and gays are cross dressers. This myth needs to be ousted and corrected for the sake of everyone involved, which is inclusive of gays, cross dressers, cross dressers wives, and society in general.
Cross dressers cannot nor should not be pigeonholed as gay because they, like cross dressers wives, are all distinctly different from one another. Another indicator that many cross dressers are not gay lies in the fact that there are many inter-social clubs for heterosexual cross dressers throughout many countries. If the need were not there these groups would not exist.
Furthermore, more research by Peggy J. Rudd’s, My Husband Wears My Clothes, strongly upholds her theory that the majority of cross dressers, especially those who are femmophilia (a strong love for their feminine side-with no sexual connotations) have no intention of engaging in homosexual acts.
The ongoing problems and challenges regarding the sexual preferences of cross dressers is that society assumes that all cross dressers are homosexuals. Why else would they dress up in feminine clothing? This common falsehood/misconception indicates a strong need for more research and awareness for the lifelong condition of cross dressing. Cumulative worldwide research by social scientists, as well as the information provided by cross dresser sites and the overwhelming results from our worldwide website survey, indicates that the majority of our cross dressing husbands are in fact heterosexual.
Logic dictates that since there is so much secrecy surrounding the issue of cross dressing and that many cross dressers are still in the closet, that the margin for error on the aforementioned studies, statistics and theories are most likely high, since many cross dressers have not or will not disclose their condition. Many stay in denial, protecting their secrets from themselves, their wives, family and friends. Many scientists acknowledge that their findings are highly questionable due to the under-reporting of cross dressers and their sexual preferences. There is a high probability that the number of cross dressers recorded is actually much higher than we currently estimate. Clearly, more extensive longitudinal and latitudinal studies need to be done on this highly controversial issue.
Nonetheless, there is a multitude of recent posts that suggests that many who participate on this forum have reason to suspect that their cross dressing husbands fall into the minority. Reviewing the posts, indicates that many wives have concrete evidence that their cross dressing husbands are in fact engaging in homosexual acts and/or are spending a lot of their time on gay related sites. Many cross dressers wives ask why a heterosexual cross dresser would visit gay porn sites? Why would they post pictures of themselves on to gay porn sites? Sign up for gay cross dressing dating sites? Is it out of curiosity? Exploration of their own sexuality? Are they fearful of being gay, or being ousted? Do some believe if they are cross dressers that they must be gay? It is important to note that some might not have any concrete answers. Some cross dressers are also scared, confused and do not understand all of the underpinnings of cross dressing and how it might relate to their sexual preference. Denial goes both ways…some of them stay in denial, as do their wives.
Additionally, it is important to note, according to several forum postings many cross dressing husbands deny any desires or acts of homosexuality. Many cross dressers’ wives are highly suspicious of their husbands’ conduct and behaviors. Most often when cross dressers wives discover their husband’s on-line history, and come across valid concerns over their husbands true sexual desires, (via the Internet) they are often distraught by more lies, deceit and betrayal. Many question if they can trust their husbands who have repeatedly chosen not to disclose being a cross dresser, bisexual or homosexual. It appears from the worldwide posts that some wives are not just fearful of their husbands being cross dressers but also being cross dressing homosexuals or bisexuals.
Therefore, if you want to know the truth about your cross dressing husbands’ sexual preferences and you have some reason to suspect or question their sexuality, pay attention to any possible clues. Follow any and all possible leads. Some cross dressers wives might choose to investigate their husbands on line activities, openly discuss their concerns with their cross dressing husbands, or seek couples counseling (preferably with a therapist who specializes in cross dressing). Our July Newsletter focuses on the issue of choosing to snoop or not to snoop. Many of our cross dressing husbands might not know the truth about the origins of their condition but they are well aware of their behaviors. As their wives or partners, we have the right to the truth about their conduct. How we choose, or if we choose to find out, boils down to an individual choice, which is frequently a painful one.
In conclusion, if you suspect or have evidence that suggests or proves your husband has engaged in sex outside of marriage, it is vital for your health and well being to be tested for STDs and AIDS. It is a merely a precautionary measure to ensure that you are safe from the aforementioned diseases. It is in your power to protect yourself from any possible physical harm! It is a relief to find out at least your body has not contracted any of these diseases (even though the possibly is extremely slight, it is worth seeing a doctor).
_____________________________________________
Upcoming Changes to Cross Dressers Wives Web Site
Please note that we are currently developing a new link, specifically designed for newcomers! The main purpose is to enlighten these cross dressers wives and familiarize them with our worldwide site. It is vital that they understand our goals and missions, various links and most importantly our forum, which is the engine that drives, our non-for-profit, Cross-Dressers Wives. It will provide them with a quick overview of the benefits and history of our website!
_____________________________________________
Donations and Volunteers Needed
As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of assistance. Furthermore, it is our intention to provide a hotline designed specifically for cross dressers wives who are struggling with this lifelong condition and wish to talk with other cross dressers wives about their challenging circumstances. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion, guidance and validate their emotions. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain and confusion. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our “high heels” (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital!!!
_____________________________________________
Information Regarding Our Upcoming Book
For those of you who have expressed an interest in submitting your anynomous stories for our upcoming book, please contact the Founder @ cdwives@gmail.com. Thank you all in advance for your willingness to share your stories.
_____________________________________________
Our inspirational Quote for October originates from, The Woman’s Book of Confidence, by Sue Patten Thoele…
“I have the courage to feel my feelings. I express my grief constructively. I am strong and able to transcend and heal my wounds.”
_____________________________________________
With much gratitude, appreciation and blessings,
The Founder
Monday, August 31, 2009
September's Newsletter
Is the cause of cross dressing nature or nurture? Many cross dressers wives are searching for concrete answers as to why their husbands/partners have this condition, and we are not alone in our search. There have been so many inquires and discussions on our worldwide forum about what causes one to become a cross dresser. Some scientists argue it is biological, others uphold it is conditioning, and some speculate it could be a combination of both. Some cross dressers wives have stated that their husbands have explained to the best of their ability that their condition began in early childhood as a direct result of their troubled relationships with their fathers. My ex cross dressing husband also claimed the same. I believe him - his father was a tyrant; however his father was also mentally ill (this is not to imply that cross dressing is a form of mental illness - it is not.) Nature vs. nurture; both are logical deductions as to the root of cross dressing, so perhaps it is due to a combination of both, biology and conditioning.
The infamous anthropologist Margaret Mead once argued, “Gender based roles are not biological but culturally assigned,” which obviously supports the theory of nurture and conditioning. Whereas other hard scientists uphold the belief that the brain is our largest sex organ, which would indicate that the cause of cross dressing is biological. These two opposing ideologies leave us with no clear-cut answers…only more questions.
Sadly, there are too few statistics available on transvestites, most likely due to the fact that cross dressing is so often perceived as taboo and consequently maintained as a secret act or way of life. Many cross dressers live with this huge sexually charged secret – as do many of their wives. Even current, significantly limited statistics are being challenged because there is much speculation as to how many cross dressers there really are.
Charlotte Suthrell, author of Unzipping Gender, states, “Cross dressing may also be a therapeutic reaction to social pressures - male dual role transvestites often describe a feeling of relaxation and comfort …releasing the male self from the regime of stereotypical male emotions through the outward and visible manifestation of wearing women’s clothes can be a form of play.” This is also well noted throughout our worldwide forum. Many cross-dressing husbands have claimed that this act is a form of release and comforts them. Some characterize it as play, whereas other claim it is like an obsession or addiction - not a choice!
There are strong valid suggestions that since gender refers to the psychological identification one has - either as man or woman, cross dressing (known to be lifelong) begins in early childhood as a direct result of one’s relationship with the same sex parent. Other hard-core scientists purport that gender orientation starts at conception. There is evidence that yes, there are various causes. One is genetic, which is inclusive of endocrine disruption that occurs within a fetus. For more information regarding endocrine-disrupting chemicals, please visit
Despite the numerous diverse controversies regarding the possible causes of cross dressing, there is overwhelming evidence cross dressing is not heredity.
The speculation, diverse theories, and ideologies derived from biologists, anthropologists, and social scientists all seek hard-core evidence regarding how this condition develops. However, there is only circumstantial evidence, not indisputable facts or answers.
For example, Dr. Elizabeth Moberly, who authored, Psychogenesis: The Early development of Gender Identity, acknowledges that transsexualism in men and women have similar etiology. This condition originated from unresolved childhood trauma. Dr. Moberly refers to this as radical misidentification trauma from the same sex parent. Moberly’s theory is well supported by a diverse assemblage of social scientists, while simultaneously disputed by many others.
Nonetheless, one should not discount the likelihood that there are biological reasons as well. Why? There is scientific research that concludes there are distinct differences between men’s brains to that of women’s brains and therefore men and women behave in different ways.That’s a logical conclusion supporting gender differences; however, does that prove that these biological brain differences can and do impact one’s gender, ultimately causing someone to become a cross dresser? My answer is…PROVE IT!
However, some cross dressers wives believe it is a choice. Others believe it is not a choice. And many religious leaders whole-heartedly buttress this belief, that cross-dressing is a choice. Some uphold a religious man would not cross dress - even if he had such a desire. However, it must be highly noted the other side of this debate from a religious perspective is that God created all of us and thus cross dressers were God’s intention. God loves all, just the way we are. God doesn’t make mistakes. We are all different in so many ways and yet so alike. So, did God choose to make our husbands/partners cross dressers by making their brain function in a different way?
In conclusion, one can critically critique all of these aforementioned theories and search for answers. Only more intensive, depth and breath of controlled studies and research can help to explain how men and women become transvestites. Since so many cross dressers are still in the closet due to the lack of societal acceptance, this factor impacts the gaining of true statistics regarding cross dressers. How many are there world wide? What is their biological makeup? What was their conditioning? Will we ever really know?
In the meanwhile, we can choose to believe one theory over another, or acknowledge that more detailed research from hard science as well as soft science is undoubtedly necessary. Perhaps we have to accept that there is no conclusive hard-core data that answers the question: Nature, Nurture, or a combination?
For more information please review the following list of suggested reading regarding this highly disputed topic and discourse:
The Real Difference Between Men and Women, by Anne Moir and David Jessel.
Brain Sex, by Ann Moire.
My Husband Wear My Clothes by Peggy J. Rudd, Ed.D.
Unzipping Gender: Sex, Cross Dressing and Culture by Charlotte Suthrell.
Alice in Genderland by Richard J. Novic, M.D.
The Man Who Would Be Queen: The Science of Gender Bending and Transsexulism by Michael Bailey.
Blessing to all of you! And welcome to all of our newcomers!
The Founder
The infamous anthropologist Margaret Mead once argued, “Gender based roles are not biological but culturally assigned,” which obviously supports the theory of nurture and conditioning. Whereas other hard scientists uphold the belief that the brain is our largest sex organ, which would indicate that the cause of cross dressing is biological. These two opposing ideologies leave us with no clear-cut answers…only more questions.
Sadly, there are too few statistics available on transvestites, most likely due to the fact that cross dressing is so often perceived as taboo and consequently maintained as a secret act or way of life. Many cross dressers live with this huge sexually charged secret – as do many of their wives. Even current, significantly limited statistics are being challenged because there is much speculation as to how many cross dressers there really are.
Charlotte Suthrell, author of Unzipping Gender, states, “Cross dressing may also be a therapeutic reaction to social pressures - male dual role transvestites often describe a feeling of relaxation and comfort …releasing the male self from the regime of stereotypical male emotions through the outward and visible manifestation of wearing women’s clothes can be a form of play.” This is also well noted throughout our worldwide forum. Many cross-dressing husbands have claimed that this act is a form of release and comforts them. Some characterize it as play, whereas other claim it is like an obsession or addiction - not a choice!
There are strong valid suggestions that since gender refers to the psychological identification one has - either as man or woman, cross dressing (known to be lifelong) begins in early childhood as a direct result of one’s relationship with the same sex parent. Other hard-core scientists purport that gender orientation starts at conception. There is evidence that yes, there are various causes. One is genetic, which is inclusive of endocrine disruption that occurs within a fetus. For more information regarding endocrine-disrupting chemicals, please visit
Despite the numerous diverse controversies regarding the possible causes of cross dressing, there is overwhelming evidence cross dressing is not heredity.
The speculation, diverse theories, and ideologies derived from biologists, anthropologists, and social scientists all seek hard-core evidence regarding how this condition develops. However, there is only circumstantial evidence, not indisputable facts or answers.
For example, Dr. Elizabeth Moberly, who authored, Psychogenesis: The Early development of Gender Identity, acknowledges that transsexualism in men and women have similar etiology. This condition originated from unresolved childhood trauma. Dr. Moberly refers to this as radical misidentification trauma from the same sex parent. Moberly’s theory is well supported by a diverse assemblage of social scientists, while simultaneously disputed by many others.
Nonetheless, one should not discount the likelihood that there are biological reasons as well. Why? There is scientific research that concludes there are distinct differences between men’s brains to that of women’s brains and therefore men and women behave in different ways.That’s a logical conclusion supporting gender differences; however, does that prove that these biological brain differences can and do impact one’s gender, ultimately causing someone to become a cross dresser? My answer is…PROVE IT!
However, some cross dressers wives believe it is a choice. Others believe it is not a choice. And many religious leaders whole-heartedly buttress this belief, that cross-dressing is a choice. Some uphold a religious man would not cross dress - even if he had such a desire. However, it must be highly noted the other side of this debate from a religious perspective is that God created all of us and thus cross dressers were God’s intention. God loves all, just the way we are. God doesn’t make mistakes. We are all different in so many ways and yet so alike. So, did God choose to make our husbands/partners cross dressers by making their brain function in a different way?
In conclusion, one can critically critique all of these aforementioned theories and search for answers. Only more intensive, depth and breath of controlled studies and research can help to explain how men and women become transvestites. Since so many cross dressers are still in the closet due to the lack of societal acceptance, this factor impacts the gaining of true statistics regarding cross dressers. How many are there world wide? What is their biological makeup? What was their conditioning? Will we ever really know?
In the meanwhile, we can choose to believe one theory over another, or acknowledge that more detailed research from hard science as well as soft science is undoubtedly necessary. Perhaps we have to accept that there is no conclusive hard-core data that answers the question: Nature, Nurture, or a combination?
For more information please review the following list of suggested reading regarding this highly disputed topic and discourse:
The Real Difference Between Men and Women, by Anne Moir and David Jessel.
Brain Sex, by Ann Moire.
My Husband Wear My Clothes by Peggy J. Rudd, Ed.D.
Unzipping Gender: Sex, Cross Dressing and Culture by Charlotte Suthrell.
Alice in Genderland by Richard J. Novic, M.D.
The Man Who Would Be Queen: The Science of Gender Bending and Transsexulism by Michael Bailey.
Blessing to all of you! And welcome to all of our newcomers!
The Founder
Friday, July 31, 2009
August Newsletter
Welcome to Our August Newsletter!!!
It is a hot month and our topic for this month is a hot one too!
To Snoop or Not to Snoop
Each month we choose a topic that is frequently discussed on our forum. There have been so many postings about this highly controversial issue. Some cross dressers wives post that they are monitoring their cross dressing husbands bag of ‘stash’. Some claim they do not search his room, check his expenses or look into his private things, while others post that one should not snoop, unless she thought her husband was lying again. Then there are those posts that advise you when your husband has done nothing but lie-and there is evidence that his behavior is highly suspicious-then you should seek out the truth, even if that entails going through his stuff. Since we are far from a monolithic group and our belief systems vary from one cross dressers wife to the other, there is no one right answer. Nonetheless, many of us are struggling with this issue on a daily basis.
Since we all have various ideologies and our politics of location are different, there is no swift, solitary solution whether to snoop or not to snoop. Some of us have never snooped but our reasons for not snooping are different. Many of us would prefer the oblivious route of denial, keeping Pandora’s box securely closed.
Sometimes our religious or spiritual self tells us it is unethical to snoop, so we listen to our so called ‘higher self” and despite our curiosity, we choose not to snoop. Then there are those cross dressers wives who want to know the truth regardless of the consequences and since many of our cross dressing husbands are hiding their true selves, along with their women’s clothing, most often we feel we have no choice but to snoop. Other cross dressers wives are so torn between being honest and wanting to know the truth, they just contemplate whether or not it is the right thing to do. So we ponder the possible positive and negative consequences of snooping.
For example, would we ever want our husbands to snoop through our private things? Some wives have chosen to have affairs as a way of dealing with their feelings of unworthiness, pain and they fall into the arms of another man. Some just have emotional affairs; others have full-blown physical and emotional affairs. Is it right for our husbands to snoop if they are suspicious? How would you feel? If you suspected your husband of cheating on you, would you hire a private investigator? Would you check his phone bills, computer, credit cards, briefcase and other personal items? Or would you simply confront him hoping to hear the truth?
Many of our husbands spend a great deal of time on the computer, frequently visiting cross dressers sites. How do we know? Most often they do not reveal this to us, either we accidentally find the evidence on the computer or we snoop and discover his secret. Some wives discover their husbands entering cross dressing contests, while dressed in lingerie-posted onto the World Wide Web for the everyone on the planet to view-with the exception of their significant others. So, if you were to discover that he participated in this type of activity do you confront him, stay in denial and not discuss it with him? Or should we keep a close eye on his activity on the computer- at least we will know the truth. Right?
I confess, I chose not to snoop. Not because I thought it was unethical to do so. Not because I believed what he was telling me. Not because I had faith that he had stopped dressing up in lingerie. Not because I was not curious about his activities. It was purely a way of staying in denial, which was a huge defense mechanism that I grew comfortable utilizing. Was it healthy for me to live in denial? At the time I thought so. I had no desire-I knew what I would find and by ignoring every opportunity I had to snoop, this allowed me to stay in a state of denial. I had seen enough since he frequently would ‘dress up’ in front of me; I did not want any more exposure or information. The irony is that he ALWAYS snooped through my things. He even accused me of having affairs. I did not even keep a journal anymore knowing he would find it and read it. In a word I felt BETRAYED by his snooping. He also would follow me. I believe he was projecting his own guilt onto me.
Is it fair for a wife to live in a marriage where the husband does not reveal his true secretive identity? Since he has already chosen not to disclose his true self, how do we know if he is engaging with sexual interactions with others? What about the small percentages of cross dressers who are bi-sexual or homosexual? Do we have the right to protect ourselves from the possibility of diseases? What if the only way we really know what his sexual activities are is by snooping? Then is it still wrong to do so?
Perhaps instead of looking at your behavior as snooping (which carries so many negative connotations) view it as keeping your eyes wide open for any suspicious behaviors and take heed to any red flags. Being vigilant about your husband’s behavior, is not snooping; it is a demonstrative form of protecting yourself and your children.
How can we ignore that trust is essential in any marriage and if your husband has repeatedly lied and deceived you, what steps can or should you take? It is pitiful to be in a relationship where the foundation of trust is broken. However, that is not to imply that the trust you once had cannot be restored over time, devotion, boundaries and honesty. Trust at this stage needs to be earned. But are we wrong to monitor his behavior to ensure he is now being truthful with us? Should our cross dressing husbands be totally honest with us now (even if they have not been so in the past) in order to save our marriages?
The crux of this difficult situation boils down to the fact that many of our cross dresser husbands have chosen not been honest with us by their deceptive conduct, which can easily force us to snoop. The deal breaker for many of us is their continuous deceptive conduct. His actions initicated the curiosity to snoop. If you feel you need to know the truth, what other options do you have if he continues to deceive you? If there is no trust in your relationship, is it doomed?
Is it right for anyone (even those who are cross dressers wives) to judge our often baneful, arduous and complex decision to monitor, lurk, snoop or be vigilant about being aware of what our husbands are doing? Or is it more advantageous for us to support each other’s choices? We have to make the right choices for our own lifestyles and there are consequences to every decision we make. These decisions must be carefully considered.
Some possible positive consequences of snooping
1) Discovering the truth.
2) Becoming more realistic of our valid concerns and desires to have a happy, honest, fruitful, satisfying relationship with our husbands.
3) Knowledge can be a very powerful tool.
4) Living with realistic expectations.
5) Having the ability to teach our husbands to be more truthful by modeling truthful qualities. This can be attempted by openly discussing our findings, emotions and concerns, with the hope that it will be reciprocal, which might create an atmosphere of a more trusting and lasting marriage.
6) Is living with the truth easier than living with a lie?
7) Can snooping gives us more tools and skills to protect our children from this adult sexualized topic?
Some possible negative consequences of snooping
1) What does it tell us about our marriage if we have to live with lies, deceit and no trust with our significant others?
2) Could our monitoring further deteriorate our relationship?
3) How will our husbands react if they discover we are watching their behaviors, going through their personal belongings? Will it make them resentful toward us and cause even more problems in an already problematic relationship?
4) How long can we continue to ignore and deny what so many of us wish
we could forget?
5) Could it help to end our marriages by demonstrating we have little to no trust in him? He too could become leery of us as well.
In conclusion, one very compassionate supporter of Cross Dressers Wives recently shared with me that the issue to snoop or not to snoop is… “ almost unanswerable, since each cross dresser and their wives are all distinct individuals.”
Blessings to all of you!!!
The Founder
Donations and Volunteering
We at Cross Dressers Wives are in need of your support. Please visit our link for volunteering or donating to our non-for profit. Every dollar counts and we sincerely appreciate everyone who wishes to volunteer and help the diverse needs of cross dressers wives!
_____________________________
Future Conference
We are trying to organize a conference for us to meet, support each other and put faces to the familiar names on our worldwide forum. Unfortunately, due to geographical and economical challenges (along with timing) our conference will have to be delayed. Nonetheless, please know it will take place- once we surpass the current challenges!
It is a hot month and our topic for this month is a hot one too!
To Snoop or Not to Snoop
Each month we choose a topic that is frequently discussed on our forum. There have been so many postings about this highly controversial issue. Some cross dressers wives post that they are monitoring their cross dressing husbands bag of ‘stash’. Some claim they do not search his room, check his expenses or look into his private things, while others post that one should not snoop, unless she thought her husband was lying again. Then there are those posts that advise you when your husband has done nothing but lie-and there is evidence that his behavior is highly suspicious-then you should seek out the truth, even if that entails going through his stuff. Since we are far from a monolithic group and our belief systems vary from one cross dressers wife to the other, there is no one right answer. Nonetheless, many of us are struggling with this issue on a daily basis.
Since we all have various ideologies and our politics of location are different, there is no swift, solitary solution whether to snoop or not to snoop. Some of us have never snooped but our reasons for not snooping are different. Many of us would prefer the oblivious route of denial, keeping Pandora’s box securely closed.
Sometimes our religious or spiritual self tells us it is unethical to snoop, so we listen to our so called ‘higher self” and despite our curiosity, we choose not to snoop. Then there are those cross dressers wives who want to know the truth regardless of the consequences and since many of our cross dressing husbands are hiding their true selves, along with their women’s clothing, most often we feel we have no choice but to snoop. Other cross dressers wives are so torn between being honest and wanting to know the truth, they just contemplate whether or not it is the right thing to do. So we ponder the possible positive and negative consequences of snooping.
For example, would we ever want our husbands to snoop through our private things? Some wives have chosen to have affairs as a way of dealing with their feelings of unworthiness, pain and they fall into the arms of another man. Some just have emotional affairs; others have full-blown physical and emotional affairs. Is it right for our husbands to snoop if they are suspicious? How would you feel? If you suspected your husband of cheating on you, would you hire a private investigator? Would you check his phone bills, computer, credit cards, briefcase and other personal items? Or would you simply confront him hoping to hear the truth?
Many of our husbands spend a great deal of time on the computer, frequently visiting cross dressers sites. How do we know? Most often they do not reveal this to us, either we accidentally find the evidence on the computer or we snoop and discover his secret. Some wives discover their husbands entering cross dressing contests, while dressed in lingerie-posted onto the World Wide Web for the everyone on the planet to view-with the exception of their significant others. So, if you were to discover that he participated in this type of activity do you confront him, stay in denial and not discuss it with him? Or should we keep a close eye on his activity on the computer- at least we will know the truth. Right?
I confess, I chose not to snoop. Not because I thought it was unethical to do so. Not because I believed what he was telling me. Not because I had faith that he had stopped dressing up in lingerie. Not because I was not curious about his activities. It was purely a way of staying in denial, which was a huge defense mechanism that I grew comfortable utilizing. Was it healthy for me to live in denial? At the time I thought so. I had no desire-I knew what I would find and by ignoring every opportunity I had to snoop, this allowed me to stay in a state of denial. I had seen enough since he frequently would ‘dress up’ in front of me; I did not want any more exposure or information. The irony is that he ALWAYS snooped through my things. He even accused me of having affairs. I did not even keep a journal anymore knowing he would find it and read it. In a word I felt BETRAYED by his snooping. He also would follow me. I believe he was projecting his own guilt onto me.
Is it fair for a wife to live in a marriage where the husband does not reveal his true secretive identity? Since he has already chosen not to disclose his true self, how do we know if he is engaging with sexual interactions with others? What about the small percentages of cross dressers who are bi-sexual or homosexual? Do we have the right to protect ourselves from the possibility of diseases? What if the only way we really know what his sexual activities are is by snooping? Then is it still wrong to do so?
Perhaps instead of looking at your behavior as snooping (which carries so many negative connotations) view it as keeping your eyes wide open for any suspicious behaviors and take heed to any red flags. Being vigilant about your husband’s behavior, is not snooping; it is a demonstrative form of protecting yourself and your children.
How can we ignore that trust is essential in any marriage and if your husband has repeatedly lied and deceived you, what steps can or should you take? It is pitiful to be in a relationship where the foundation of trust is broken. However, that is not to imply that the trust you once had cannot be restored over time, devotion, boundaries and honesty. Trust at this stage needs to be earned. But are we wrong to monitor his behavior to ensure he is now being truthful with us? Should our cross dressing husbands be totally honest with us now (even if they have not been so in the past) in order to save our marriages?
The crux of this difficult situation boils down to the fact that many of our cross dresser husbands have chosen not been honest with us by their deceptive conduct, which can easily force us to snoop. The deal breaker for many of us is their continuous deceptive conduct. His actions initicated the curiosity to snoop. If you feel you need to know the truth, what other options do you have if he continues to deceive you? If there is no trust in your relationship, is it doomed?
Is it right for anyone (even those who are cross dressers wives) to judge our often baneful, arduous and complex decision to monitor, lurk, snoop or be vigilant about being aware of what our husbands are doing? Or is it more advantageous for us to support each other’s choices? We have to make the right choices for our own lifestyles and there are consequences to every decision we make. These decisions must be carefully considered.
Some possible positive consequences of snooping
1) Discovering the truth.
2) Becoming more realistic of our valid concerns and desires to have a happy, honest, fruitful, satisfying relationship with our husbands.
3) Knowledge can be a very powerful tool.
4) Living with realistic expectations.
5) Having the ability to teach our husbands to be more truthful by modeling truthful qualities. This can be attempted by openly discussing our findings, emotions and concerns, with the hope that it will be reciprocal, which might create an atmosphere of a more trusting and lasting marriage.
6) Is living with the truth easier than living with a lie?
7) Can snooping gives us more tools and skills to protect our children from this adult sexualized topic?
Some possible negative consequences of snooping
1) What does it tell us about our marriage if we have to live with lies, deceit and no trust with our significant others?
2) Could our monitoring further deteriorate our relationship?
3) How will our husbands react if they discover we are watching their behaviors, going through their personal belongings? Will it make them resentful toward us and cause even more problems in an already problematic relationship?
4) How long can we continue to ignore and deny what so many of us wish
we could forget?
5) Could it help to end our marriages by demonstrating we have little to no trust in him? He too could become leery of us as well.
In conclusion, one very compassionate supporter of Cross Dressers Wives recently shared with me that the issue to snoop or not to snoop is… “ almost unanswerable, since each cross dresser and their wives are all distinct individuals.”
Blessings to all of you!!!
The Founder
Donations and Volunteering
We at Cross Dressers Wives are in need of your support. Please visit our link for volunteering or donating to our non-for profit. Every dollar counts and we sincerely appreciate everyone who wishes to volunteer and help the diverse needs of cross dressers wives!
_____________________________
Future Conference
We are trying to organize a conference for us to meet, support each other and put faces to the familiar names on our worldwide forum. Unfortunately, due to geographical and economical challenges (along with timing) our conference will have to be delayed. Nonetheless, please know it will take place- once we surpass the current challenges!
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