Now That You Have Decided to Leave Him
Hope you and yours are all well. As always we are gearing this months newsletter towards a common theme from our forum. There has been a lot of correspondence from many cross dressers wives who are contemplating leaving their marriages and wondering how to leave. Please note, we are not encouraging anyone (other that someone who is being physically abused) to dissolve their marriage. However, for those who want and need to leave their marriage, we want to support their needs and desires.
Many cross dressers wives have been in a long term holding pattern waiting for the next high heel to drop, others contemplate leaving, some stay with boundaries, some live as roommates while others do end up divorcing their cross dressing husbands.
For those of you who wish to leave and are looking for ways to go on with your lives I would like to share a recent posting on the forum. I had her permission to post her comments in this newsletter. It is just one of many stories that I, like many of you, found it to be significant and helpful to those who want and need to reclaim their lives-without their spouses.
This post is from of our beloved Shelly
Dear How to: It sounds like you are in the same situation as I was in during the last few months of my marriage. Does this sound familiar to you: By the time my H realized that he had pushed me too far, that he was losing control over me, it was simply too late. I told him I was leaving. I had been lied to repeatedly, I had been blamed for not accepting him, I had been manipulated and isolated for yrs. He decided that we should start over, put everything behind us, and live happily ever after. He "stopped" cding. He began doing nice things for me, buying me things, becoming concerned about my welfare after yrs of ignoring and minimizing my feelings. But what was done could not be undone. The trust was gone, replaced by suspicion. The love was gone, replaced by a trapped fear. The sexual attraction was gone, replaced by repulsion. He didn't want to talk about cding or the past. I was "holding grudges" and "being unforgiving" if I brought up my doubts or questioned his honesty. I had so much to lose! I had pre-school children, no job, no higher education, my health was very bad after yrs of escalating stress, and my H had been threatening suicide for yrs if I told anyone. I could not live w/ the pain anymore, could not try - not one more time; I knew that if I allowed him back into my heart, I would not survive another betrayal - one that I knew would come, eventually. For me to get out, I had to make a decision to save myself and my kids, to give up my home and everything that I had invested in, and to face the overwhelming fears and uncertainties that made up my future.
How did I do it? 1) I finally told my family and gratefully received their unfaltering support. 2) I went to a psychologist - against the dictates of my H - and got on anti-anxiety medication to help me cope. 3) I mentally disassociated myself from my H, did not allow myself to make his problems my own - I had enough to worry about! 4) I began reading about abuse and manipulation, as suggested by the psychologist. 5) I did what I could to improve my health so that I could face the future as best I could. I think the hardest part was #3; b/c I had loved my H for over half my life and I didn't want to hurt him. I knew that he was in pain, that I was HURTING him - that was very hard; it is not my nature. I found that this helped: I wrote down specific incidents in which MY pain had been totally ignored and disregarded by my H, the many lies and distortions I had been dealing with, the aggressive blame and shameless twisting of reality that he had used for yrs to control my actions and thoughts. This allowed me to keep clear in my mind what I would not allow in my life. It was a very painful time, but I kept my eyes focused on the light at the end of the tunnel - a light that wasn't there if I didn't leave. I have never regretted it. After I left, when I was packing more of my stuff, I found the stash of women's clothing he had hidden in a new place. My mind, to this day, still tends to empathize w/ him, even after he remarried, yrs later, to yet another woman w/out telling her about his sexuality. It's so sad. It just starts all over again. Hope this helps you. This is such a difficult place to be in. If you need out, I hope you can find a way.
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New Help line Services
Look for our upcoming new link for our new help line service. We are elated to announce this new service and out reach to those wives who are in need of phone support. The Founder is not a therapist, those holds degrees in woman studies and social sciences. Additionally, she has worked with thousands of cross dressers wives for several years. This service should be available soon for $50 an hour.
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Book Update
We are pleased to announce that our book about our lives as cross dressers wives will be published within the next 3-6months. If you are interested in submitting your story please read November 2009 Newsletter and submit your story by February 15th.
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Donations and Volunteer Positions
As a non-for-profit (NPO) charitable tax-deductible organization, we rely solely on contributions and grants to support our much-needed organization. Funds are low and grants during these difficult financial times are limiting our abilities to expand, despite the obvious need to do so. Every dollar can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO to develop outreach programs to worldwide cross dressers wives, who are in need of assistance. Please visit our links to make contributions or to volunteer your services to help us assist those women who are in need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence but not without enormous struggles, pain, confusion and sometimes-severe consequences. For most of us, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States alone, whose needs must be met. Only other cross dressers wives have ever walked in our "high heels" (except for many of our cross dressing husbands). A sense of humor is vital.
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Recommended reading:
When Your Lover is a Liar by Dr. Susan Forward
How Could You Do This To Me? Learning To Trust After Betrayal by Dr. Jane Greer
The Liar in Your Life by Robert Feldman
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Inspirational Quote
"I am wise and capable. I am my own best expert, my own authority about what is right for me. I have the courage to listen to my inner wisdom. (From the book, The Woman's Book of Courage by Sue Patton Thoele pg. 137)
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Happy Valentines Day!!! Remember to love yourself.
Blessings,
The Founder
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