Cross Dressers Wives October Newsletter 2012

Research on the wives of cross dressers: 
Questionnaire II. Report 3.

by

Dee A. Levy and Richard F. Docter

Richard F. Docter, PhD is a retired college professor and clinical psychologist. 

He is the author of the 1988 book: Transvesties and Transsexuals (Plenum Press).  Dee A. Levy is the Founder of the website, Crossdresserswives.com.

The Questionnaire II survey of cross dressers wives was developed in early 2012 and placed on the web site,Crossdresserswives.com, in mid-March. It will remain available for several more months, and if you are the wife or long-term partner of a cross dresser you are urged to respond (see Questionnaire II on the web site home page). By the end of September, 210 wives had responded. The most important characteristic of this sample is that nearly all of the wives have never been part of a cross dressers support group or attended a convention for this group. All prior published descriptions dealing with cross dressers wives relied upon samples of women who had either been involved with support groups or who were recruited at a cross dressers convention.

Most wives of cross dressers learn of their husband’s cross dressing long after their wedding day. Brown’s earlier study (1994) is by far these best of four data-based surveys concerning the wives of cross dressers. He found that 40% of his wives had been informed prior to marriage (Talamini, 1982; Peo, 1984; Docter, 1988). It is very important that all of these studies utilized wives recruited from support groups or who were attendees at a cross dressers convention.  Very possibly, these wives hold attitudes toward cross dressers that are somewhat more positive than the broader group of wives who have never been affiliated with cross dressing events. We shall refer to the samples used in the four studies mentioned above as “affiliated” wives.

A very different sample involves wives who were not affiliated with either a support group and who had never participated in a cross dressers convention. Levy and Docter (Questionnaire II results, in preparation) surveyed 200 wives of cross dressers, 92% of whom were entirely unaffiliated. The 8% who were affiliated were excluded from this report concerning unaffiliated wives.

crossdresserswives.com. We shall refer to this sample as the “unaffiliated” group.

Thirty-two percent of these wives stated that they had been told of their husband’s predilection for cross dressing prior to marriage. It has been assumed in several reports that providing this information prior to marriage might be a factor in subsequence tolerance or acceptance of cross dressing. The present findings from Questionnaire II are consistent with this.

We may ask, how accepting or tolerant toward cross dressing are the wives who find themselves in relationships with cross dressers, regardless of when they learned about the cross dressing of their spouse? Let us first turn to data from “affiliated” wives who would be expected to be somewhat more accepting in view of their participation in support groups or conventions. Psychiatrist George Brown (1944) collected data from 106 wives at support group meetings and conventions over six years, and used two questions to assign each wife to one of three groups said to reflect acceptance of cross dressing. One question dealt with whether a wife had “seriously considered divorce or separation from your partner because of cross dressing” (p. 522). The second question was a “global self-rating” of tolerance/acceptance of the spouses cross dressing (p. 522).  Brown found that 41% were highly accepting, 26% were moderately accepting, and 20% were low in acceptance. Keep in mind that these wives were all participants in cross dressers support groups or conventions.

As would be predicted, the wives from the Levy and Docter “unaffiliated” group of wives show a similar but lower rate of acceptance. Eleven percent said they “…embrace it an enjoy some aspects of it (cross dressing).” Twenty-two percent said they were “…accepting of it, but with a few negative feelings.” Twenty-three percent reported feeling the cross dressing was to be “…tolerated…with both positive and negative feelings.” Twenty-nine percent said they “disliked it intensely” and wanted nothing to do with cross dressing. At present, the determinants of these attitudes, ranging from remarkably positive to decisively negative, are not fully understood. We shall attempt to find out through additional research with these unaffiliated wives.

For the wives surveyed by Levy and Docter, attitudes toward cross dressing change in both directions with the passage of time. Thirty-five percent reported becoming somewhat more “disgusted and angry,” while 25% said they had become “slightly” more accepting and tolerant. Brown did not report on changes in acceptance. He did, however, find that for his affiliated wives, 32% had “seriously considered” either divorce or separation from their husband. For the unaffiliated wives, 43% said their marriage had a “favorable outlook. No divorce expected.” The remaining 50% said their marital future was not clear, and seven percent reported their marriage was “very likely” to end in divorce.

Twenty-five percent of Brown’s affiliated group said they experienced sexual arousal with their cross dressed husband at least occasionally. For the Levy and Docter group, a surprising 62% reported they had participated in sexual relations with their cross dressed husband, at least now and then, during the previous year.

The following is a brief description of the present sample together with the results for a variety of questions. Most of the wives completed all of Questionnaire II, but 25% did not. A more complete report will be prepared when additional responses have been acquired.

     The average age of the wives is 48; husband, 49.

     69% live in the USA; England, 13%. 
     Followed by Canada and Australia.

     Average length of marriage: 19 years.

     Years married prior to learning of cross dressing, 10 years.

     Informed of cross dressing prior to marriage: 32%.

     Wives divorced once, 27%, twice, 11%. Husbands once 27%,

     twice 6%.

     Wives in counseling now: 19%. Husbands, 13%.

     Caucasian, 97%

     At least 2 years of college, 65%. Some graduate study, 25%.

     Did not graduate from high school: 5%. Very high educational

     level.

     Income: 75% are at or above $75,000. Very high average income.

    

    Never post messages on Crossdresserswives.com forum: 76%.

    Never scan messages on Crossdresserswives.com forum: 46%.

     Wives attitudes toward cross dressing:

              Most positive (“embrace it”): 11%

              Accept with some negative feelings: 23%

              Tolerated with both positive and negative feelings: 22%

              Not accept: 17%

              Dislike intensely: 18%

              Strongly dislike 9%

Putting aside cross dressing, 55% rated their husband as excellent or superior.

Most serious addiction: cross dressing, 65%.

Next most serious addictions, masturbation, 26%, smoking, 26%. porn, 25%

Expected to divorce: 6%. Considering divorce: 6%

Mostly a fetishistic husband; not complete dressing as a woman: 36%.

Husband dressed completely as woman (i.e., a cross dresser): 43%.

Don’t know or some other style of dressing: 19%.

Cross dressing greatly reduced intimacy: 47%, slightly reduced, 20%

Cross dressing improved intimacy: 22%.

Cross dressing had an unfavorable or harmful effect on sex life:  54%.

Sex has been “generally satisfactory,” 50%; both good and poor, 25%.

62% of husbands seldom or never go out in public cross dressed.

79% of wives never accompany cross dressed husband in public.

55% of husbands have adopted a woman’s name.

4% have started to use female hormones.

42% have occasionally had sex with cross dressed husband.

Cross dressing is somewhat helpful to his health or well-being: Yes, 70%.

The survey was not designed to acquire information to account for why certain responses were reported; we shall explore these matters more fully with additional questionnaires.

Frequently asked questions from wives:

How is cross dressing defined?

It is helpful to make a distinction between fetishism and cross dressing. Fetishism involves the use of one or more objects to enhance sexual arousal. 

Women’s clothing are common fetishistic objects. Cross dressing involves three variables that are essential for assignment to the category of cross dresser:

a) Sexual arousal in response to wearing a complete outfit of women’s clothing, so as to simulate the appearance of a woman.

b) Some degree of feminine identity must be present. This refers to the experience of perceiving one’s self as having characteristics associated with females in a particular culture. Cross dressers vary greatly in their experience of feminine identity.

c) The cross dressing behavior is periodic. (Transsexuals live continuously and permanently as women.)

Are the husbands “drag queens,” fetishists, or cross dressers?

The wives in the Levy and Docter survey reported the following: About 7% dressed as drag queens; 31% typically wore “a few items of women’s clothing (some or all of this group appears to fit the definition of fetishists); 43% dressed “entirely like a woman” and therefore appears to be cross dressers. The remaining 19% of these wives did not know how their husbands cross dressed.

How common is cross dressing?

Most experts believe this behavior is found in a fraction of 1% of the population. The same is true of transsexuals – that is, persons who live in the gender role opposite from their genetic sex. On the other hand, variations of fetishistic behavior are far more common.

How many wives have been told about cross dressing prior to marriage?

Levy and Docter found that 32% were informed prior to marriage; 68% were informed after marriage, with an average lapse of 11 years without knowing.

How many wives would have declined to marry a cross dresser had they known before marriage?

The surveyed wives are evenly divided: 50% did marry or would have gotten married even though they were not told prior to marriage, and 50% said they would not have married a cross dresser had they been informed.

Can cross dressing be cured?

Most experts believe cross dressing is not likely to be completely eliminated, although complete cessation has been reported, especially in cross dressers advanced in age. Efforts to eliminate cross dressing may result in depression, anger, and other negative emotions experienced by the cross dresser. Since cross dressing is in large part a sexual behavior, it is not more likely to be eliminated than other sexual behavior.

Can cross dressing be controlled?

Most experts believe cross dressing can be controlled, especially when the cross dresser and his wife collaborate in the negotiation of boundaries and limits. To accomplish this, the partners will need to approach their discussions with a strong commitment to find compromises that are acceptable to each, and with strong commitments to their marriage. When the partners agree that their marriage is more important than anything else, workable compromises can usually be found. Another example of the temporary cessation of cross dressing would be when a cross dresser is required to live in a situation where cross dressing is not possible, such as in a military combat zone or in a prison.

Is cross dressing an addiction?

Most cross dressers report an intense periodic motivation to cross dress, and to masturbate during such a session. One may quibble about the technical definition of the term addiction, but cross dressing motivation, rewards, and persistence are similar to many examples of addiction. Many sex and gender authorities believe cross dressing taps into the same “pleasure center” of the brain as do many other addictions (smoking, use of drugs and alcohol, gambling, etc.). Levy and Docter found that 66% of their surveyed wives rated cross dressing as an addiction; smoking and masturbation tied for second.

Will cross dressing escalate in frequency, cost, time required, or into transsexuality?

There is nothing inevitable about escalation, but as with most sexual behavior, there is often motivation to create novelty and variation in cross dressing routines. The management of time, place, being in public, sex when cross dressed, cost, whether to involve the children, and all other considerations should become topics for negotiation. Cross dressing tends to increase with age, assuming there is greater opportunity for privacy as age increases.

Will your husband insist upon going out in public?

Surveys of cross dressers have shown that going out in public is not a common activity of cross dressing, although some cross dressers are strongly motivated to do this even in their early years as a cross dresser. A minority of cross dressers join support groups and attend conventions; very few wives do so. It is also very rare for the wives of cross dressers to accompany their cross dressed husbands in public places.

Does cross dressing involve homosexual behavior?

Some homosexual men cross dress, and often their over-the-top, flamboyant style of dressing fits the description of a “drag queen.” This style of dressing was reported by 7% of the surveyed wives. Most experts believe that, with few exceptions, cross dressers report a heterosexual history including most of those who choose to dress as “drag queens.” This topic becomes more complicated when a cross dresser reports having fantasies of participating in sexual behavior with an imaginary male, or actually seeking such an experience. Reports of both fantasies and experiences involving males in sexual relationships are common, especially in younger cross dressers. What makes this behavior so confusing to define is that seeking sexual attention from a man is invariably seen as gay behavior. In contrast, the cross dressers imagines himself to be a woman when cross dressed, and therefore perceives such sexual fantasies or experiences to be heterosexual. Almost without exception, cross dressers say these fantasies and experiences occur only when they are cross dressed. The question of using the term, homosexual behavior, seems to depend upon individual preferences in word usage.

Are wives who have sex with cross dressers lesbians?

A surprising percentage of the wives of cross dressers (about 40%) report having sex with a cross dressed husband, although the frequency of such activity varies considerably. For the most part, wives prefer to keep cross dressing out of the bedroom. The usual definition for being a lesbian requires a history of same sex preference, not simply sexual relations with a cross dressed husband.

Why are a high percentage of cross dressers wives very displeased?

The discovery of a cross dressing husband is almost always perceived by his wife as a very serious threat to the marriage. Very often these wives view cross dressing as akin to betrayal, abandonment, having a competitive sex partner, or infidelity. In addition, the wives of cross dressers often have feelings about this behavior that reflect the strong stigmatization evidenced by our society. All but about 11% of wives say they would be happier if cross dressing would disappear.

Why is it difficult to find a counselor or therapist who is knowledgeable about sex and gender issues?

Cross dressing is very rare. It is not surprising, therefore, that many counselors and marriage therapists have not received much training or experience with this topic. Very often, however, a trained counselor or therapist can be of assistance without being a sex or gender specialist. Many wives are so ashamed of the behavior of their husband that they elect to avoid any form of counseling.

Why cross dressers secretive about their behavior?

Most cross dressers are highly secretive about their cross dressing, preferring to maintain total silence with relatives, close friends, or co-workers. Feelings of shame are also a major reason why most cross dressers do not reveal this socially stigmatized behavior to a prospective wife prior to marriage, or hide it from the wife for decades after marriage. Wives often report that they also feel a need to maintain secrecy, and that this is a result of the husband’s having more or less forced them to become closeted with him. At the core of the problem is the fact that society strongly regards cross dressing as behavior that should be stigmatized.

Are cross dressers aware of how intensely they offend their wives?

There is great variation among cross dressers concerning their awareness, commitment, and desire to accommodate the needs of the wife. Obviously, the ability of the partners to collaborate in resolving differences about cross dressing is the key to finding workable compromises within a marriage.

How many wives of cross dressers divorce due to cross dressing?

As best one can estimate from survey data, at least 30% of wives give serious consideration to divorce, but from currently available data (Levy and Docter) only about 8% actually divorce. The matter is complicated by the likelihood that some divorces may not be entirely attributable to any single marital dissatisfaction. About two-thirds of the wives in the Docter and Levy survey continue to share the same bedroom with their cross dresser husband.

Does counseling or psychotherapy help the partners in a marriage troubled by cross dressing?

Help from a counselor or psychotherapist certainly can be an important part of learning more about sex and gender, and also, working out compromises that prove helpful to the partners in a marriage. A key step is to find a source of assistance wherein you feel trust and confidence. At the least, counseling or psychotherapy can help a couple learn new procedures for communication and problem solving. It is important not to expect any counselor or psychotherapist to have all the answers concerning what causes cross dressing, or why the husband began this behavior, or how to make it go away.

Discounting cross dressing, how do the wives rate their husbands?

In the Levy and Docter sample, all but 14% said their husbands were at least “satisfactory” when the cross dressing behavior put aside. Thirty-five percent said they were “excellent,” and 21% said they were “superior” when the cross dressing issue was not considered.

Are cross dressers who are sexually aroused while thinking of themselves as a woman committing adultery?

Adultery is defined as having sexual intercourse with a person other than one’s husband or wife. Only 2% of the surveyed wives regarded sex outside the marriage as problem for them. Many wives, however, look upon cross dressing as an example of being sexually involved with another “person,” while recognizing that this is a fantasy “person.” In any case, adultery would not be involved.

Is the fantasy “girl friend” an example of dual personality?

Most cross dressers adopt a feminine name for their fantasy “girl friend.” Very commonly, they say they feel an intense need to express their feminine side by appearing to be a woman, and walking, talking, and behaving as a woman. None of this, however, even comes close to meeting the criteria for a “dual personality,” or more technically, a dissociative disorder.

Can aversion therapies modify or eliminate cross dressing?

Most experts believe aversion therapies or religiously based corrective therapy are ineffective, and that in rare cases they can be very harmful to the well-being of the cross dresser. Most of these approaches have been directed toward changing homosexual behavior although they are not effective as well.

Do the attitudes of wives change much after cross dressing is openly revealed?

About one-third become more disgusted and negative.

About one-third change little or not at all.

About one-third changes somewhat in a positive direction.

Does cross dressing reduce marital sex satisfaction?

Wives strongly report that with the onset of cross dressing they feel less attractive in the eyes of their husband, and that the husband becomes less attractive as viewed by the wife. In the Levy and Docter survey, nearly 70% of the wives said there had been a loss of intimacy due to cross dressing. One-third reported that cross dressing had caused “a very harmful impact” on their marital sexual relationship.

Please note that this entire research data will be available at all times as a new link- Survey Results!!

Hotline

Cross Dressers Wives NPO offers live telephone consultation services with The Founder. She holds a BA in Women Studies, an M.A. in Social Sciences, and has worked with thousands of cross dressers’ wives. The Founder is not a licensed therapist; she is a former cross dresser’s wife.

Please book your Hotline consultation by contacting cdwives@gmail.com. The basic fee is $50 an hour. The first 15 minutes are free.

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Hotline Testimonials

"You have no idea. You’ve saved my life.”

"I cannot tell you how blessed I felt to have someone I could talk to about this that has shared this experience."

"The advice I received from the Founder about setting boundaries was a big help to my marriage."

"The hour I spent speaking with you made me feel better than the year I spent in therapy."

"After my consultation, I realized my therapist was not the expert on cross dressers’ wives - the Founder is."

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Donations and Volunteers

We are a charitable, non-for profit organization. All donations are tax deductible. Presently, we rely almost solely on donations and grants to support our much-needed services. In difficult financial times, funds are short, limiting our ability to expand our Hotline and international outreach resources. Every dollar we raise can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO develop worldwide programs for cross dressers wives seeking assistance and support. 

Inspirational Quote for the Month: Be Compassionate

Compassion is the basis of all truthful relationship: it means being present with love-fro ourselves and for all life, including animals, fish, birds, and trees. Compassion is bringing our deepest truth into actions, no matter how much the world seems to resist, because that is ultimately what we have to give this world and one anther.

Ram Dass in Compassion in Action.

(100 Ways to Keep Your Soul Alive by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat, pg.20).

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Thank you so much Professor Docter for having extraordinary compassion for cross dressers wives. Your ongoing hard work and dedication to this research is well worth noting. You are a trailblazer, who thank God is starting to pave a smoother way for cross dressers wives. You have changed my life, and so many other world wide cross dresser wives for the better.

I am eternally grateful to have had the honor to work with you Professor Docter! It was a pure pleasure and I look forward to our continued partnership in further research projects.

Blessings to all,

Dee A Levy

Cross Dresser’s Wives September’s Newsletter 2012

Topic of the month: The Cross Dressers Wives * Our Secret Lives

Our hopes were BIG. We knew this book was riveting, unique, trajectly true, yet almost unbelievable. We disclosed our life stories, with the purpose and hope that this book could reach other cross dresser’s wives, who were living their husbands secretive, taboo often baneful lives.

Everyone thought that since we had such a huge number of cyber hits on our website,crossdresserswives.com, that most likely cross dressers wives would be more than anxious to read a book that addressed her secret life. There are millions of us living in the US alone! And we have a large presence in Canada, the UK and India along with dozen of other countries.

The genesis of the book took place over Labor Day Weekend, four years ago. Someone posted on the Forum that ‘we’ should all write a book about our stories. I watched as many cross dresser’s wives started to post that they wanted to contribute to this book but they would have to figure out a way to do so. It was such a challenge, how are these women going to write their story while living with their cross dressing husbands? That was just the beginning…

The sales of the book are disappointing at this time. However, we know that once this story hits major media that hopefully the exposure will lead to a much needed increase in the sales of the book. There are a few erroneous stories about how many books have been sold. Unfortunately the stories are simply not true. -Not yet! We have reason to believe that this book will have the exposure it so desperately needs.

Of course there have been some sales. Cross dressers are buying the book! When we do receive a rare request from our site to mail the book, there are normally unusual mailing requests, such as please mail it to my work, my friend’s, my therapist’s offices and of course lots of PO Box addresses-anywhere but home!!! We sadly discovered the book is a secret too! Who knew?

Blessings,

Dee A Levy

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Tim’s Corner (Our CD Family Advisor)…

I would like to address a subject that is a big, ongoing topic on the forum. I have heard so many of you talk about acceptance of your spouse and his cross dressing. I have found, from my first hand experience, that couples who choose acceptance without therapy and or understanding all of the underpinnings and repercussions of this life long condition, is what I call Expectance (so I had to coin a new word). Expectance is blind acceptance that can lead to other EX’S, like Ex-husband andEx-wife.

I have talked with so many wives wanting to accept their husband’s cross dressing out of love and wanting to help, thinking excectance is the answer. My experiential knowledge is that most often blind acceptance most often causes escalation of cross dressing-making things worse for all involved. Not all cross dressers’ will do this but most will want to add more or think that acceptance means you are ok with this and will soon be able to participate in their dressing. When things explode and you want it to stop, the CDH can't understand why.

I want couples to understand as much as possible about cross dressing. It was said on the forum that cross-dressing seems to be displayed as a simple issue on all the other cross-dressing sites. Unfortunately, they all seem to agree and never contradict anyone. Many other sites want you to believe it is OK and there is nothing wrong with it.

Control for the cross dresser is another thing that is misunderstood by both the CDW and the CDH. Control is from two sources: outside control and inside control. Outside control means that the CDH attempts to control his environment, mostly because they don't want to get divorced, or have the kids or anyone else to find out. Inside control is the key to understanding cross dressers. That is why I am doing what I am doing today; I am able to see this challenging situation from another perspective. Cross dressing is so ingrained in them. Too many CDH can’t see it but one way (their way). It takes someone who can find that place in their mind that will change the mind from outside control to inside control.

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Hotline

Cross Dressers Wives NPO offers live telephone consultation services with The Founder. She holds a BA in Women Studies, an M.A. in Social Sciences, and has worked with thousands of cross dressers’ wives. The Founder is not a licensed therapist; she is a former cross dresser’s wife.

Please book your Hotline consultation by contacting cdwives@gmail.com. The basic fee is $50 an hour. The first 15 minutes are free.
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Hotline Testamonials

"You have no idea. You’ve saved my life.”

"I cannot tell you how blessed I felt to have someone I could talk to about this that has shared this experience."

"The advice I received from the Founder about setting boundaries was a big help to my marriage."

"The hour I spent speaking with you made me feel better than the year I spent in therapy."

"After my consultation, I realized my therapist was not the expert on cross dressers’ wives - the Founder is."

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_{Donations and Volunteers}

_{We are a charitable, non-for profit organization. All donations are tax deductible. Presently, we rely almost solely on donations and grants to support our much-needed services. In difficult financial times, funds are short, limiting our ability to expand our Hotline and international outreach resources. Every dollar we raise can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO develop worldwide programs for cross dressers wives seeking assistance and support.} 

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_{Quote of the Month:}

_{You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.}

_Anonymous

Cross Dressers Wives August 2012 Newsletter

Topic For The Month:

Data @ Cross Dressers Wives and Their Husbands

Even though we are still gathering vital data about cross dressers wives and their husbands, we would like to share some of the statistics we have deciphered. Some may be surprised by these results; others may expect to have these findings. Nonetheless, what is important to note is that there are only a handful of studies done on cross dressers wives-but our survey reached more different types of cross dressers wives. The previous studies were predominantly on cross dressers wives who attended cross dressing conventions. Can you imagine how many of us would do that-even once?

Please examine our new survey results. If you have not already done so, please take a few minutes to complete this survey. Just click on Questionnaire on the page where you enter the Forum.

The 90 wives who have completed this survey are overwhelmingly not affiliated with any support group, and more than half of them never post on our Cross Dressers Wives Forum. In fact, only about half regularly scan the Forum. The average CDW’s age is 49; the CDH’s average is 51. They have more college credits than women in the general population, and most are doing pretty well financially. About 40% have no religious affiliation. Three-fourths live in the United States, followed by England and Canada. Most remain married to a cross dresser, and about 75% say they will probably stay married.

Most of the husbands never go out in public cross dressed (60%), and another 10% seldom do so. Forty percent “usually” cross dress in a fetishist manner, wearing only a few items of women’s clothing, with 46% “usually” dressing fully as a woman. It is very uncommon for any of these wives to accompany their husband into any sort of public place.

It’s very interesting to find that 62% of this sample of wives rate their partners as “superior” or “excellent” when cross dressing is not taken into account. While divorce is a possibility for 25%, the rest say they will probably remain in the marriage.

A REQUEST:

In addition to doing the survey, will you please take a few minutes to write me and explain what steps you and your husband have taken to help work on the problem of cross dressing within a marriage? 

Just keep it short and simple, but try to explain what you have done that seems to have helped. I’m asking for this because I am starting to plan yet another questionnaire that will deal in more detail with how you are striving to make things work, and what seems to have been most helpful to you.

Of course, all responses will remain entirely anonymous. Please send your information to this email address:.

You are the world’s experts on this sub culture. Our voices have not been heard, yet, because we usually keep quiet. We want to help cross dressers wives all over the world. Please tell us what (if anything) has helped you with your marriage. Of course, we know that some marriages will not survive this-no way. Some will live as friends, and others will stay until their children leave. Every situation is unique and we are here to support your emotions. They are all valid!

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UPDATES

The Founder has been a guest speaker at a few college classes, as well as salons. We are trying each day to get the word out about CDW and the types of challenges they are dealing with-but first we need to educate people about CD-and bust the myths about CD being gay! Then why are CD overwhelmingly married and many have children? Well, we know but the rest of the world is still in the closet, and clearly in the dark. Let us continue to shed some light on this thorny, murky taboo sub culture.

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HOTLINE

 Cross Dressers Wives NPO offers live telephone consultation services with The Founder. She holds a BA in Women Studies, an M.A. in Social Sciences, and has worked with thousands of cross dressers’ wives. The Founder is not a licensed therapist; she is a former cross dresser’s wife.

 Please book your Hotline consultation by contacting cdwives@gmail.com. The basic fee is $50 an hour. The first 15 minutes are free.

HOTLINE TESTIMONIALS 

 "You have no idea. You’ve saved my life.”

 "I cannot tell you how blessed I felt to have someone I could talk to about this that has shared this experience."

 "The advice I received from the Founder about setting boundaries was a big help to my marriage."

 "The hour I spent speaking with you made me feel better than the year I spent in therapy."

 "After my consultation, I realized my therapist was not the expert on cross dressers’ wives - the Founder is."

 DONATIONS; VOLUNTEER  We are a charitable, non for profit organization. All donations are tax deductible. Presently, we rely almost solely on donations and grants to support our much-needed services. In difficult financial times, funds are short, limiting our ability to expand our Hotline and international outreach resources. Every dollar we raise can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO develop worldwide programs for cross dressers wives seeking assistance and support. 

Please visit our links to purchase our book, make a financial contribution, or volunteer your services to help us assist women in dire need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion, and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence, denial, and guilt. This does not come without enormous consequences. Sometimes, it is simply comforting to know that we are not alone.  There are millions of us in the United States and throughout the world whose unique needs must be met. All contributions are greatly appreciated.

For privacy purposes, donations made by check may be made payable to ‘CDW’ or ‘CROSS DRESSERS WIVES.’ Credit card donations made via PayPal appear as ‘CDW.’   

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              INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:

“My dreams were all my own. I accounted to them to nobody; they were my refuge when annoyed-my dearest pleasure when free.”

Written by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, from the book, Follow Your Dreams (1997) by Liesl Vasquez.

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With Blessings and Gratitude,

       Dee A Levy

CROSS DRESSERS WIVES JULY NEWSLETTER 2012

TOPIC FOR THE MONTH: OUR SIGNIFICANT QUESTIONNAIRE

If you are the wife, the former wife, or full-time partner of a cross dresser, you are invited to respond to this questionnaire. 

Our goal is to gather information never before acquired from the wives and partners of cross dressers. Therefore, this is somewhat longer than many surveys, but we believe it will be worth your extra effort and time. It will take about 15 minutes. In addition to reporting the results on the Wives web site, we will submit a summary article to a scientific journal. We believe such an article can provide information about cross dressing from the wives' point of view that has never before been available.

Although some questions are quite personal, please try to respond to all questions. If you can't respond, just leave the question blank. If you wish, you can add comments at the end.

In all, there are 64 questions.

YOUR RESPONSES WILL BE ENTIRELY ANONYMOUS. YOUR SCREEN NAME WILL NOT BE RETAINED. YOU WILL NEVER BE IDENTIFIED IN ANY WAY.

Show your responses by clicking on one of the "buttons." 

On some questions you are invited to click on several buttons.

Upon completion of each page, click on NEXT to proceed.

Click on the PREVIOUS button to return to a previous page.

Upon completion of the survey, click on DONE to send it to us.

TO MAKE CORRECTIONS: 

1. For most questions, return to the question and click on the response you prefer. 

2. For questions that invite you to click on "any that apply," return to the button you want to omit, and click on it a second time.

PLEASE FILL OUT OUR QUESTIONAIRRE. GO TO THE SING IN PAGE FOR THE FORUM. THERE IS A LINK FOR THE QUESTIONARE. 

Thank you very much for your cooperation. Dee Levy, Director.

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UPDATES

The Founder has been a guest speaker at a few college classes, as well as salons. We are trying each day to get the word out about CDW and the types of challenges they are dealing with-but first we need to educate people about CD-and bust the myths about CD being gay! Then why are CD overwhelmingly married and many have children? Well, we know but the rest of the world is still in the closet, and clearly in the dark. Let us continue to shed some light on this thorny, murky taboo sub culture.

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HOTLINE

 Cross Dressers Wives NPO offers live telephone consultation services with The Founder. She holds a BA in Women Studies, an M.A. in Social Sciences, and has worked with thousands of cross dressers’ wives. The Founder is not a licensed therapist; she is a former cross dresser’s wife.

 Please book your Hotline consultation by contacting cdwives@gmail.com. 

The basic fee is $50 an hour. The first 15 minutes are free.

 HOTLINE TESTIMONIALS 

“You have no idea. You’ve saved my life.”

 "I cannot tell you how blessed I felt to have someone I could talk to about this that has shared this experience."

 "The advice I received from the Founder about setting boundaries was a big help to my marriage."

 "The hour I spent speaking with you made me feel better than the year I spent in therapy."

 "After my consultation, I realized my therapist was not the expert on cross dressers’ wives - the Founder is."

 ____________________________________________________________________
 

DONATIONS & VOLUNTEERS We are a charitable, non for profit organization. All donations are tax deductible. Presently, we rely almost solely on donations and grants to support our much-needed services. In difficult financial times, funds are short, limiting our ability to expand our Hotline and international outreach resources. Every dollar we raise can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO develop worldwide programs for cross dressers wives seeking assistance and support. Please visit our links to purchase our book, make a financial contribution, or volunteer your services to help us assist women in dire need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion, and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence, denial, and guilt. This does not come without enormous consequences. Sometimes, it is simply comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States and throughout the world whose unique needs must be met. All contributions are greatly appreciated.

 For privacy purposes, donations made by check may be made payable to ‘CDW’ or ‘CROSS DRESSERS WIVES.’ Credit card donations made via PayPal appear as ‘CDW.’ 

____________________________________________________________________

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:

"I  began to understand that self esteem isn't everything; it's just that there's nothing without it."

One of my favorite women...Gloria Steinem.

From the book, Yes You Can! Complied by Marc Anello.

 I have had the delightful pleasure of meeting Gloria Steinem on several occasions. I even had a chance to speak with her one on one for quite a while, at one of my women studies professor's home. She was focused on my studies...she was by far so gracious, easy going and lovely. Her sweet energy surrounds this iconic feminist and humanist!

____________________________________________________________________

 

Cross Dressers Wives June 2012 Newsletter

Topic for the month: Gratitude for Tim Our CD Family Advisor

Our non profit, Cross Dresser’s Wives, was contacted by several different cross dressers wives, who wanted to post something special for someone special: Tim. They were all genuinely so grateful to him for helping them and in many cases helping their CD husbands too. Most of these women felt hopeless but listening to Tim gave them tools, skills and hope. Not all marriages will survive-despite Tim’s advice.  However, those that choose to leave need assistance too. So, thank you Tim. This one’s for you…

Lindsay Sarah…

To all of the wives on this site, it is Lindsay Sarah and my prayer for you is to have a full and wonderful life. Being the wife of a cross dresser can be a stressful and miserable life. All of us know our stories are all different in some way. Each of us has dealt with this and has tried to find answers to all the questions. Having to keep this secret is the hardest part. Now we can share our thoughts on this site, which has given us a voice.

I am thankful for that in so many ways.

Even with the help of this site, there are still questions in all of us. The wives who wrote these letters of gratitude for Tim originally took things a step farther and contacted Tim. It was a hard step to take for all of us but we did. What we found was a caring and very understanding man that with his years of experience, explained things to us, things we never could see on our own. Tim gave each of us tools to use to help our husbands and us. It only took each of us a few times talking with him to know we found the help we needed. One of the posts said that they tried to accommodate and except their husband’s cross dressing. That doesn't work. What does work is total understanding. Once you understand your husbands and his cross dressing, it becomes clearer.

Tim's focus was on the wife first and then the husband. Some of you say that your husbands won't talk to anyone about this. I would not have believed it but my husband is talking to Tim and our life is very different! All of the wives that are in this newsletter are now believers and see that life is good. We are doing this in the hope that you will take the step and see that Tim can help you too. We all were helped and we see you all have questions. Tim gave us a better sense of understanding and we know he can give you the same. It doesn't matter if you stay with your husband or you leave. Tim will give you as much information as possible to make an informed decision. Thank you for your time and I wish all of you peace!

Lindsey…

My story is close to Dee's with how my husband came out. He waltzes into our bedroom fully dressed: dress bra with breast and heels and hose. I was so shocked and didn't handle it well. I was close to taking my own life. For days I couldn’t move. I stayed in bed. Husband wasn't any help and I couldn’t tell anyone I was lost. A good friend came and tried but I wasn't talking. She called several counselors all couldn't get me to talk. I didn't trust them. Then she called a female counselor. I did like her and we did talk some the first time. The second time she came I told her what happened it shocked her I think and I thought for sure I was doomed. She told me she didn't know much about gender issues but she knew just the person to help me. That person was Tim. From the first time he came over there was something about him, he talked me out of bed and that was a task in itself. He was so kind and patient with me. His understanding of how I felt was so comforting. His first concern was all me and we spent many hours talking about cross dressing and how we as a team could help my husband and our marriage. That was 20 years ago and we are a couple again. Tim cleared so many things for my husband to see how I felt and how to control his life. He was one not to talk to anyone about his feelings and Tim broke him of that. Now he shares his feelings, we are happy and grateful for Tim’s help. We can never repay him.

Karen…

When I found out my husband was a cross dresser, we were married over 20 years. I ignored it for as long as I could, I guess I thought it would go away. I did research on the net and as all of you know it was bad. Then I found this site. I did a lot of reading back post and came across Lindsay’s post. Being a newcomer I needed to at least email her to see what she had to say about Tim. All I can say to you is this: I thank Lindsey every day. Skipping over my friendship with Lindsey, Tim made so many things about my husband so clear. He showed me things about him I would never have thought of. Things I could do and say to make him see things for him. Tim helped me so I could help my husband. We are still working on this as it takes time to undo 20 years of thinking one way.

Thank you for reading my story.

 Sarah…

I was married several years before my husband told me he was a cross dresser. I thought I could handle it and I did for many years. It was something I put up with and he did not dress in front of me for a long time. Time passed, it was just something l lived with and I grew numb to it. Our marriage was OK but never the same. My husband became ill and things seemed to change. Something about him was different. Before he passed away he told me how sorry he was for all the pain he caused me.  I thought it would all be over. I had a new life, yet I was sad at first because I did love him but I thought all the pain would be gone from the cross dressing. I was wrong.

After many long nights searching the net, I found this site. I read about Tim and emailed The Founder for Tim address and we started talking. I never thought of so many of the things Tim had to say about my husband and about cross dressing. It gave me a new outlook and helped me to start new. Tim has a gift and I truly believe he could help so many on your site if they would just talk to him. I worried at first if I had made a mistake emailing him. It didn't take long to know I found someone to help me.

Dee…

The first time I spoke with Tim, I confess I was perplexed, curious yet very interested in his approach to working with CDW. I quickly discovered he starts with the CDW (listening, understanding and caring). Then he often includes the CDH. The results are amazing. Not all couples will survive this-but either way-CDW should seek therapy. Despite the fact Tim is not a therapist-he nonetheless has a very unique perspective as well as tools and skills to help CDW and CDH.

Also, please know Tim has worked endlessly for this non-profit, Cross Dressers Wives. He has generously donated so much and as the founder all I can say is, Thank you Tim, you are a Gem and we cherish you!

*(Please not that the aforementioned are the opinions of the cross dressers wives who generously shared their thoughts).

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Updates:

We are ½ way to our goal for our necessary questionnaire. Please know it is anonymous and the only way society is going to learn about us and what happens to CDW is by filling out the survey-you are the world’s experts. This questionnaire will be published as a direct result from all of your trailblazing responses.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

 Inspirational Quote:

“Give up one activity that blocks you from getting on with the joy of living.”(100 Ways to Keep Your Soul Alive by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat pg.44)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Happy Father’s Day! This is my first Father’s Day without my beloved father, Joseph.  For all of you who are fortunate to have your fathers, cherish them. For those whose Fathers have passed, God bless them all!

Blessings & Gratitude,

Dee

Cross Dresser's Wives May Newsletter 2012

Topic for the Month: Tim, our cross dresser family adviser, has some advice!

 Tim gives us something to thing about ...

 Over the passed two decades, I have kept an open mind as to why men cross dress. We all need to keep up with new ideas and maybe someday we will know the answer. I think when wives, mothers or girlfriends don't except that we don't know the reasns why a man would cross dress, we become confused and lost. What we should be working on is what to do now that we know.The mind of a cross dresser is complex and there are so many types  of cross dresses. It would be more constructive for all parties to work on what you can do now that you know your husband/partner/son is a cross dresser.

 The rebuilding of trust and communication are key to coming to a sound plan to deal with all the negative feelings from both parties. Coming out of the closet has a different meaning with many cross dressers. In the gay community, it means out to all, most of the time. To cross dressers it is often, he is coming out to you and then brings you into the closet with him. A place you don't want to be. Why do you stay? There are many reasons , such as your love for your children etc.

 When your are brought in the closet, most cross dressers are themselves confused and often do not know what the next step should be . Trouble starts right there because both of you are too close to this situation. This web site, crossdresserwives.com, is a good place to start building a much needed support system. However, it's only the beginning. You need to talk to someone that knows about this very complex condition,  such as a counselor, psychiatrist, therapist or Dee A Levy (aka The Founder of CDW) . Please find someone to help you to find ways to deal with every aspect of this. Every case Is different and you need to get specific with each case. It can be manageable and your life can get better -no matter if you stay or go. I encourage all of you to find someone to help. We are always here for you. 

Happy Mother's Day to all of you!
Tim

 ___________________________________________________

 Happy Mother's Day!!!

 May your children know how blessed they are to have you as their mother. And may you know how blessed you are to be a mother! It is the hardest job in the world-bar none! Celebrate your day. Love yourself and your mother!!!

Blessings,
Dee

 ___________________________________________________


 HOTLINE

 Cross Dressers Wives NPO offers live telephone consultation services with The Founder. She holds a BA in Women Studies, an M.A. in Social Sciences, and has worked with thousands of cross dressers’ wives. The Founder is not a licensed therapist; she is a former cross dresser’s wife.

 Please book your Hotline consultation by contacting cdwives@gmail.com. The basic fee is $50 an hour. The first 15 minutes are free.

 HOTLINE TESTIMONIALS “

You have no idea. You’ve saved my life.”

 "I cannot tell you how blessed I felt to have someone I could talk to about this that has shared this experience."

 "The advice I received from the Founder about setting boundaries was a big help to my marriage."

 "The hour I spent speaking with you made me feel better than the year I spent in therapy."

 "After my consultation, I realized my therapist was not the expert on cross dressers’ wives - the Founder is."

 ___________________________________________________

 DONATIONS & VOLUNTEERS We are a charitable, non for profit organization. All donations are tax deductible. Presently, we rely almost solely on donations and grants to support our much-needed services. In difficult financial times, funds are short, limiting our ability to expand our Hotline and international outreach resources. Every dollar we raise can assist Cross Dressers Wives NPO develop worldwide programs for cross dressers wives seeking assistance and support. Please visit our links to purchase our book, make a financial contribution, or volunteer your services to help us assist women in dire need of support, education, acceptance, understanding, compassion, and guidance. Many of us have lived in complete silence, denial, and guilt. This does not come without enormous consequences. Sometimes, it is simply comforting to know that we are not alone. There are millions of us in the United States and throughout the world whose unique needs must be met. All contributions are greatly appreciated.

 For privacy purposes, donations made by check may be made payable to ‘CDW’ or ‘CROSS DRESSERS WIVES.’ Credit card donations made via PayPal appear as ‘CDW.’ 

___________________________________________________


 Quote For The Month: Indulge Yourself

 Pleasing yourself with special treats from time to time is vital to a healthy, satisfying life...We need to surround ourselves with little rewards that mean something to us, that we can keep separate. Whether it be a sip of wine, a shopping spree, a well deserved vacation, a vigorous laugh, or a satisfying cry-such small indulgences can brighten and enliven our lives.

 Robert Ornstein & David Sobel ( 100 Ways to Keep Your Soul Alive pg. 74).